Addicted - "To Tell You the Truth" by CrisisKris

Title: To Tell You the Truth
Author: CrisisKris
Pairing: SS/RL
Rating: R
Feedback: [email protected]
Disclaimer: I'd like to say I own these guys, but that would be a lie.
Summary: Severus is sent to Remus after being poisoned, but he isn't exactly a model patient...
Notes: Part of the Severus Snape Fuh-Q Fest (3rd wave); written in response to the challenge, "Snape goes too far and someone loses their patience."
WARNING: SPOILERS FOR OOTP!!
Archiving: This site, all others please ask.

Remus Lupin woke with a start, sitting bolt upright in the armchair and groping for his wand. He'd fallen asleep in front of the fire again, too tired to even bother dragging himself upstairs to collapse into his bed. It didn't matter where he slept, anyway, because nothing stopped the nightmares - Sirius, vanishing into the darkness, Harry screaming and fighting to run after him... Remus shuddered and ran a hand over his eyes, looking around to see what woke him up.

Albus's head was in the fire. "Good evening, Remus," he said formally, his blue eyes grave. "I'm sorry to have woken you."

"It's alright. I've got nothing to do but sleep lately anyways." He sighed, stretching. Ever since that last confrontation, Voldemort had been quiet, presumably nursing his wounds in some dark corner somewhere, and now that the children were safely back at school, there really wasn't much to do. He supposed he should be grateful for the rest, but now was exactly the time, with so much pain, so fresh, that he would have liked to be busy.

"I need your help," Albus said presently, as if reading his mind.

"Anything," The werewolf replied, leaning in eagerly.

Albus chuckled. "I think you might feel less enthusiastic when I tell you what I need," he began, a bit of sparkle reappearing in the too-serious eyes. Remus lifted his eyebrows, interested, and waited. "I'm sending Severus to you. He's in a bad way."

Disappointment deflated Remus like a pinprick in a balloon. "Oh," he replied. "Of course."

Albus laughed again. "I'm sorry, Remus. I know it's not an exciting - or even necessarily enjoyable task - but he's hurt and we need him."

Remus gathered his emotions and got them under control. "Of course, Albus. Anything to help." Albus nodded, then withdrew from the fire, and Remus found himself staring into the coals, alone once more.

A few hours later, he heard the soft unlatching of the door, and hurried to greet his guest. Severus stood in the doorway, panting, one arm clutched around his waist. His eyes were unfocused, and he squinted up at the werewolf, nearly doubled over on himself. It seemed to take him a moment to realize where he was. "Lupin," he rasped finally. "Albus said he would call ahead..." he broke off, coughing, and Remus quickly moved to support him as the lean frame shook.

"He did," the werewolf assured, lifting Severus's arm around his shoulder. "I've been expecting you. Here, let me help you." He led the Potions master to a nearby sofa and lowered him down on it. "What happened?"

Severus looked awful - pale and sweating, obviously in pain. It seemed to take a lot of effort to speak. "Veritaserum," he replied at length, obscurely. Remus shook his head, not understanding. "The aurors, the aurors," the other man went on, beginning to shiver. "They wanted me to tell the truth. They didn't believe me when I told them so they kept giving me more and more..." he began to cough again, and Remus shook himself out of his confusion, grabbing the blanket he'd been using to sleep under earlier and tucking it around the other man.

"You've taken an overdose, then?" He asked to clarify, and Snape nodded tiredly. "What are the effects?" Remus had done all right in potions, but he wasn't an expert by any means, and he had no idea about things like this. Was Snape going to die in the living room?

"Nothing much worse," the dark haired man replied, "Just risk of coma. You'd do well not to allow me to sleep," he continued, his eyes falling shut. Remus shook him right away, and earned himself a baleful glare.

"How long will it last?" Snape shrugged unhelpfully, shivering. His eyes were unfocusing again, and Remus could smell the exhaustion on him. It was a smell he'd nearly come to associate with Severus, actually, since just about every time he saw him, the Potions master was more tired than the last. Remus supposed that living a double life must have been taking its toll on the thin man in front of him. "Severus, stay awake," he said out loud, commanding, and Snape's eyes flew open again.

"Well, for Merlin's sake, Lupin, talk to me or something," he replied irritably. Remus sighed.

"All right," he said gamely, "Tell me what happened."

Snape snorted. "What happened is that I was 'caught' by aurors - who were supposed to know what I was doing, incidentally - during a raid on a muggle home, just some jolly Death Eater fun in the meantime, and they decided that they didn't believe that we were really on the same side. So, they administered the Veritaserum, and when I confirmed what we all know to be the truth, they decided the potion wasn't working, and administered more. And more. Until the whole damn bottle had gone down my throat and I was going into convulsions. Such compassionate, caring people, your aurors." The last was sneered in true Snape style, bitter and resentful.

"You don't exactly present yourself as someone who can be trusted, to tell you the truth," Remus replied.

Snape's sneer deepened. "Well, excuse me, Lupin. Perhaps I should fawn over Albus and the Potter brat like everyone else does, maybe that will demonstrate my loyalty. Clearly putting my life in danger day after day to find out what the Dark Lord is doing - and I am the only person who has been successfully able to do so, I might add - is hardly enough."

Remus frowned. "I didn't mean that," he replied. "I meant only that if you were a little more cooperative - "

Snape laughed. "Cooperative? One does not survive amongst vipers by being cooperative, werewolf. One survives by having the stronger venom."

"Well that would explain your success so far," Remus muttered under his breath, feeling his temper rise.

"Yes, it would," Snape replied haughtily. "Unlike everybody's favorite Gryffindor, I have not had the luxury of being able to rely on everyone else to rescue me from situations of my own creation."

/That's it/ Remus thought, seeing red. /How dare he?!/ "You leave Sirius out of this!" he shouted, surprising himself with the force of his feeling.
Snape shrank back, fear flashing in his eyes for the briefest of moments as he regarded the werewolf's flushed face and burning gaze. Slowly, he sat up, pushing the blankets aside. Then he stood, so that he was face to face with the other man. "I was speaking about Potter," he replied quietly.

"Oh."

"I do not believe that Black had an easy time of it by any means."

"I see." Remus turned away, feeling tears fill his eyes, determined not to cry in front of Snape. A long silence stretched out between the two men, and then suddenly he felt a gentle pressure on his arm. He looked down to see Snape's thin white hand, offering a handkerchief. "Thank you," he said, taking it and rubbing at his eyes. "You should be resting," he added. Snape did not sit down, merely regarded him with those unfathomable black eyes. "What?" The werewolf finally snapped.

Severus did not react. "I was merely wondering when the last time you slept was," he replied. "I could perhaps provide some assistance, if dreams are interrupting your sleep?"

"I don't want a potion to take away my grief, thank you very much. I prefer to feel my feelings rather than stuff them under some cold, superior attitude like some people I know!" Still with his back to the other, Remus missed the pain that hardened Snape's expression momentarily.

"Very well," the Potions master replied, pulling back. He returned to his position on the sofa, and closed his eyes.

After a moment, Remus turned around, feeling his heart begin to slow. "Don't sleep, Severus," he said dully. The other man did not respond. "Severus?" he knelt down by the sofa and shook the Potions master's arm. Snape moaned slightly, his eyes flickering open, but then pulled away without really waking. /Shit, / Remus thought vehemently, remembering what the dark haired man had said about comas. "Severus," he repeated, loudly, shaking the man more harshly. "Severus, wake up." The eyes came open and stayed open, but they were dull and out of focus. "Sit up, come on." Snape allowed himself to be pulled up, clutching at his head as he did so.

"Dizzy," Snape whispered through clenched teeth. Remus reached up to hold Snape's head still and gasped. The sallow wizard was burning with fever.

"Severus, is it normal for you to have a fever from a Veritaserum overdose?" He asked sharply.

"I'm not sure," the other man replied, shaking. "I'm - it could be, I'm - I haven't been eating well," he finally admitted. "It could be that my immune system isn't functioning up to par."

"And this just pushed you over the edge," Remus finished grimly. "Do you feel nauseous?" Snape shook his head.

"Just dizzy."

"Okay, let's lie you back down, then, but you have to promise me you'll stay awake."

"Talk to me," Snape replied, no venom in his voice this time, as he was once again lowered to the cushions.

"All right," Remus replied, but for a long moment he could find nothing to talk about.

"Lupin? Talk to me," Severus repeated, a slight edge in his voice. Remus raised his eyebrows at that - Snape sounded almost scared.

"What's the matter, Snape? Feeling a little vulnerable?" he asked bitterly.

"Yes," came the reply. Remus looked up, surprised. Snape was looking at him with undisguised anger. "Veritaserum, remember?" he hissed as he caught Remus's eye. "I can't lie. Otherwise I would have gone to the Malfoy mansion to recover, like a real Death Eater would have."

"You can't lie?" Remus asked, and Snape shook his head. "I think this may be the first time that I've had more power over you than you've had over me," the werewolf said thoughtfully. Snape did not reply, but his face hardened into the cold, blank expression that Remus knew he wore when he was afraid. "Don't worry, Snape," he said tiredly. "I wouldn't take advantage of you. Tell me about he Wolfsbane potion."

Something softened in Severus's expression, and his body relaxed somewhat. "It's a very complicated potion," he began arrogantly, "one of my greatest accomplishments, actually..."

Remus let him prattle on about the potion, his mind wandering. Images assaulted him - Sirius, patting the seat beside him on the Hogwart's Express in their first year; Sirius, hexing James' hair so that it curled into ringlets on the night of the Yule Ball; playing Quidditch, breaking Snape's nose... Remus laughed, remembering the way that Snape had glared at them, blood gushing out, crying 'now it's going to be even bigger!' before he could quite contain himself.

"What's so amusing about adding 12 drops of primrose oil and stirring counter clockwise?" Severus's annoyed voice interrupted his musings, and Remus looked up, startled.

"Why did you hate Sirius so much?" he asked without thinking. To his surprise, Severus paled considerably and reared back as though he'd been slapped. Sweat built on his brow and his shaking increased noticeably. "Severus?" Remus fell to his knees beside the other wizard, deeply concerned. "Are you all right?"

Snape looked at him with an expression of pure hatred undisguised across his features. "How dare you?" He hissed, and Remus realized his mistake.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he exclaimed. "I asked you a direct question, when you can't resist - I didn't think - " But Severus wasn't listening. He grit his teeth, holding his stomach and groaning, trying to resist answering the question, but finally the potion won out. "Because you loved him so much," he hissed, and then looked away, his eyes dangerously bright. Remus stared at him, open-mouthed.

"But why would that make you hate him?" He asked, confused.
Snape didn't even try to fight this time. "Because I wanted you to notice me, but you only had - you only had eyes for him." The Potions master's face flushed pink and he gazed at his shoes, still shaking.

Remus flushed too. "I'm sorry," he reiterated, feeling miserable himself. "I shouldn't be asking you questions."

"No you should not." Snape's voice was tight. Remus sighed.

"It wasn't intentional, Severus," he replied.

"No, of course not," Severus's voice was bitter and disbelieving.

"It wasn't!" Remus felt his voice rise, face hot. "I know you are only too quick to assume the worst of everyone, but not all of us are conniving, deceptive Slytherins. Some of us are actually good people who are trying our best and sometimes we make mistakes!" He was practically screaming, but he didn't care. Severus watched him quietly, his black eyes glittering. When Remus paused for breath, the other one jumped in.

"Good people who make mistakes? Like your good friend, Black, who mistakenly tried to kill me? Or like the wonderful Harry Potter, who had every opportunity to learn how to control his emotions and protect his mind but chose not to, leading to his own godfather's death?" Snape's voice was low and soft, superior.

"How dare you?" Remus roared, hauling the other man to his feet, shaking him mercilessly. The part of him that wasn't exploding in rage noted distantly that Severus was beyond thin, a fragile mass of bone and skin under his clenched fists. "How dare you say those things?" He pulled on fist back, ready to hit. Severus's eyes widened but he didn't pull away, and when the fist connected with his cheek and he rocked back, the dark haired man did nothing but bite back his cry of pain.

The rage rushed out of Remus as fast as it had flooded in, and with a little cry, he dropped Snape back onto the sofa, stumbling away. He fell into his armchair and covered his face with his hands, feeling hot tears stain his skin. There were little noises behind him that indicated Snape was up to something, but he didn't care what. Then, that soft hand was on his arm again, and he felt something cool pushed into his hand... Remus looked down to see a glass of brandy clutched in his fist. He drank it down, and it was refilled.

"I'm sorry," the words were said so softly that Remus wasn't sure he'd even heard them. He looked up, shocked, and met the other man's black eyes. Severus's expression hadn't changed, but the eyes were deep and pained. "I was... angry. I didn't want to tell you the truth. I shouldn't have said what I did."

"Lashing out in anger only pushes people away," Remus replied.

"I know that."

"Is that why you do it?" He didn't care if he was asking a direct question or not. Remus had had enough. He'd lost his best friend. He was the only Marauder left. He was worried sick about Harry. He was tired, goddamn it, and his head was spinning from Snape's earlier admission. All he wanted was answers.

Snape seemed to understand this, because he didn't protest. "Yes." He replied, his voice still quiet.

"What are you afraid of?"

"Rejection, what else? I didn't exactly have a loving childhood full of joyful acceptance," Snape's voice was mocking, but not cruel. "I've been rejected all my life. I learned that striking first was better than being struck." Remus looked up at him sadly.

"You're bleeding," he realized. He fished in his pocket for the handkerchief Snape had given him earlier, leaned over, and pressed it against Severus's cheek. "I'm sorry."

"I deserved it." They sat in silence for a while. Remus began to feel calmer, the brandy warming him and easing his grief.

"Do you still feel that way?" The werewolf asked after a while.

"You'll have to be more specific," Snape replied.

"Do you still... want me to notice you?"

Snape sighed. "I don't know. I... was attracted to you from the first time I met you, even before I recognized my own sexuality. I liked you. You were gentle. I had never encountered gentleness before. As I got older, that attraction translated itself into something much more physical - I wanted you. But it wasn't just lust. I suppose I could say that at one point I even loved you. Then - in our fifth year - "

Remus swore under his breath. "It must have been devastating for you. I had no idea you felt that way."

"I was convinced that you knew. I was convinced that you knew, and you were disgusted, and that whole... incident was orchestrated to let me know I wasn't wanted. It would have been the Slytherin way."

"We weren't Slytherins."

"I've never known anything else, Remus, please, believe me. I didn't know people could be innocent."

"That's the first time you've used my first name since we were children," Remus replied, his voice soft.

"Remus," Severus repeated, his voice an invitation. Remus looked up. The other man was just inches away, his face glowing in the firelight, hair framing his profile as he spoke. Unconsciously, Remus found himself leaning toward the Potions master, licking his lips.

"You never answered my question."

"It must be wearing off, then."

"Do you still feel that way?" Remus looked up into the dark eyes, searching. Severus smiled faintly.

"I have been much... ill-treated since we were children, Remus, both at my hand and at the hands of others. I have become quite disillusioned. I can't say that I continue to believe in love." The werewolf nodded, feeling strangely disappointed, and looked away. "However, when I see you - " Severus reached over and lifted the other man's head gently so he could look into his eyes. "When I see you, Remus, it makes me want to believe again." He leaned in and brushed the werewolf's lips with his own, licking them lightly. Quite despite himself, Remus allowed it, and opened his mouth to let the other in. They explored each other softly, kissing and tasting, Snape's hands lifting to tangle in the werewolf's hair. Remus wrapped his arms around the Potions master, pulling him closer, caressing the length of his back. They lost themselves in each other for a moment before Remus realized the other was still shaking.

"You've had a rough time of it, Severus. You should be resting."

"You've had a rough time of it, Remus," Severus replied, gently mocking. "You should be resting as well."

"Then let's get some rest." Together, they stood, their arms wrapped around each other's waists, holding tight. For the first time in days, Remus entered the room he had been given, not feeling a stab of grief as he passed the empty room where Sirius used to sleep. He led Severus to the bed, helping him out of his robes, and climbed into bed, pulling the other man with him.

They found each other in the dark, kissing and tasting, curling into each other as if they were drowning and the other was a lifeline. Finally, Remus pulled away, lying back, and a smile spread over his face as Severus settled himself down on the werewolf's chest, one hand idly running through the hair that covered him like a fine fur. He pulled the dark haired man close, stroking his hair and murmuring his name. Severus's eyes drifted closed.

Remus regarded him for a moment, watching tenderly as the harsh lines on the dark wizard's face eased. Then the werewolf leaned down for another languid kiss. "Don't sleep, Severus," he whispered, and Severus smiled against his mouth.

"Will you help me stay awake?" He asked by way of reply.

Remus let his hand travel south, trailing down Snape's stomach to cup the growing bulge between his legs. "Oh, yes," he laughed. "I think I can manage that."

It was nearing dawn, long after the Veritaserum has worked its way out of Snape's system, before the two wizards drifted off to sleep in each other's arms. For the first time in days, Remus slept without dreaming of Sirius, or of the dark, maniacal laughter of the Death Eaters. And for the first time in a long time, when they awoke, Severus no longer smelled like exhaustion and fear... he smelled like something Remus couldn't remember ever smelling on Severus before. He smelled contented.

~ End ~