2nd Semester Composition Term Paper
Formula for Identity
Cathy Youngshim Hwang
Class A1 Mr. Johnson 9.29.06
I am Jekyll and I am Hyde. Or at least, that�s what I first thought, though exaggeratedly, when considering my personality. The multiple sets of characteristics I show in different environments were enough to make even myself wonder about my true personality and identity. So I embarked on a quest to discover once and for all how I should act and which �me,� if there were more than one, I should accept as my true identity.
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�Cathy, let�s go to the video store to rent a movie!� said the middle child Katie, bounding into the room. But I only replied, lazily and bluntly, that we�d seen enough movies lately, and that we could watch plenty of action movies for free on television.
�Gosh, you�re so boring� You never want to get out of the house; all you do is sleep and eat and play on the computer.�
�That�s not true,� I thought, rolling my eyes to myself. �It�s only when I come home for the weekend and I�m half-dead from a whole month of school��
To her, I said �What would you know? Besides, don�t you have homework to do that�s worth, like, half your history grade?� Although of course, I hadn�t done my homework yet, either�
Kristin, the fourth, came up and clung to my arm. �Cathy, when are you going to take me to buy my friend�s birthday present?� I shrugged my shoulder, telling her brusquely that I would �sometime� in the near future. Kevin, the youngest, poked his head out from behind the door and shot rubber arrows at us, provoking an angered shriek from my sister and from me a shout of frustration. I�d just gotten home, and although I liked being back I found it trying to keep my temper. It wasn�t much easier trying to do anything but stay in the house, having the occasional, casual sparring match with my other brother, William. I loved being lazy.
�Ah� Can you believe the amount of work we�ve got this week?� moaned Gouna. She was right---a Korean essay, an English essay, a math quiz, a debate in sociology, not to mention AP courses and the nearing advent of midterm exams. But I�d finish it all one way or another. Good planning and effort was my motto.
�Well, at least it�ll be over sooner or later. Hey, let�s go bungee jumping or watch a musical or something after midterms!� I suggested.
�Yeah, let�s go see a musical together!� agreed Gouna. �Although bungee jumping�� Well, it did seem pretty terrifying, but you only lived once.
On my way to lunch, I discovered the usual culprits waiting to ride the elevator. �We�re� keeping him company!� said Daeyoung, gesturing towards Hweejun�s cast-bound leg.
�Forget it. You don�t need five people for company, and you�re perfectly healthy. Now go.� I said firmly, giving him nudges to get him and his friends going. They turned back to look at me with morose expressions, but I remained stoic and walked behind them down to the cafeteria.
It was the millionth time I�d had to chase them away from the temptations of the elevator. But why did I feel so much more in control of my emotions? Shouldn�t I be more stable in the environment I felt the most comfortable in? Come to think of it, why was I so vehement about following the rules at school?
There was, however, one guideline I wasn�t so happy about following: the dress code. Having been someone my friends described as �creative� and �unique,� it was difficult sometimes to be completely deprived of accessories. But I somehow couldn�t find it in me to disobey the rules; I held my peace, thinking that perhaps there would be other ways of letting my inner creativity play loose.
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Schizophrenia was a fairly well-known word amongst us American high school students; everyone knew it meant a disorder in which a person has a split personality. That�s what I thought I knew, too, until I decided to research it in order to find some kind of reason for my differing behaviors at home and at school.
According to Wikipedia, schizophrenia is �a psychiatric diagnosis that describes a mental disorder characterized by impairments in the perception or expression of reality and/or by significant social or occupational dysfunction.� This didn�t match the definition we�d assumed was true. The National Alliance on Mental Illness, in fact, even stated outright that schizophrenics �[do] not have a �split personality;�� instead, they are unable to �think clearly� and to �distinguish reality from fantasy, to manage emotions, make decisions, and relate to others.�
This was too extreme a definition for my case, even if I sometimes daydreamed, lost my temper easily, couldn�t decide between milk and white chocolate, and didn�t agree with everything in neo-Confucian philosophy.
Researching schizophrenia led me to dissociative identity disorder, also known as split personality; it is defined as �the existence in an individual of two or more distinct identities or ego-states,� each with its �own pattern of perceiving and interacting with the environment.� It is a �complex mental process that provides a coping mechanism for individuals confronting painful and/or traumatic situations.� (Wikipedia)
I had had my share of trauma from moving to Korea, but was it the reason for my seemingly �split personality�?
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�Hey, Cathy! I like your new scarf, did you make it?� asked Lena. Looking down at my fuzzy red-and-white knit scarf, I replied,
�Yeah, it took me forever� But I�m making a prettier one out of this great blue yarn.�
�Hopefully you�ll finish it before winter ends,� laughed Samantha, arriving at her own locker. I pushed her playfully, and she pushed back with her athletic figure skater�s body. When the bell rang, I dodged a group of chattering sophomores and headed for English class.
�So what was Merlin�s greater purpose for turning Art, Arthur, into a fish and giving him this grand adventure in the moat? Was it just for fun?� asked Ms. Chacon.
�Well� He wanted to teach him a lesson,� answered Nina.
�What kind of lesson?�
�To get him ready to be king! Like, he showed him what tyranny�s like, and how people---well, fish---are like in a tyranny,� said Michelle.
�Good��
�So� He showed Arthur that he should be a fair ruler�� said Ryan.
�Right. And Merlin�s doing this very trickily, isn�t he? He makes it seem as though they�re only going on some fun excursion, but he�s really preparing Arthur to be a fair and just king who�s going to rule during one of the most peaceful, prosperous periods in medieval history!� said Ms. Chacon. I nodded in agreement and made a note on my paper; this story was actually pretty interesting when you looked past the tiny script and the archaic style of the writing.
After class, as I was walking out the door, Ryan tugged on the back of my scarf and said,
�A scarf? What happened to that shirt you got attacked by bears in? Hahaha��
�Shut up, Ryan.� I said as I kept walking.
�Why, what happened to freedom of speech? God, I thought I was in America. Maybe I should just go back to Kenya,� he mockingly lamented.
�Yeah, yeah�� I said. �And I�ll go and live in Korea, okay?� My family, church members and a few people at school were the only Koreans I knew in America. Because we shared our roots, I seemed connected to them in a deeper sense than with other people. I wanted to visit Korea again, have some good food, go to some concerts, go shopping for un-American fashions, and basically experience my so-called native country. My friends told me that I was �so Korean�---I spoke the language at home, celebrated its holidays, went through traditional Korean ceremonies, ate the food at home all the time, and didn�t seem completely �American.� My identity, therefore, was Korean-American, and I loved being a part of two cultures.
�And you know how Nakyo wore, like, a tiny bit of make-up that day? I heard all the boys were talking about it and how she was trying to look so pretty�� confided Yerim.
�Oh. That�s pretty�sad,� I replied. Why did it really matter if she wore a bit of make-up? Oh. It was Korea, and students who tried to �act older� were looked upon as irresponsible and unmotivated, academic or otherwise. No wonder so many kids seemed younger than they really were, I thought cynically. I wanted to show society otherwise, but at Cheongshim I was also under pressure to put on a good face for the sake of Korea�s eyes.
The bell rang out its stale tune and we headed for English class. I hitched up the baggy waist of my khaki-colored uniform pants as I went, feeling oh-so-pretty in the mauve-pink collared uniform shirt that matched the pants in its degree of attractiveness. I didn�t blame anyone for trying to look prettier at this school, even if only two hundred or so people saw you every day, and even less actually noticed.
�So in �Sound of Thunder�, what is the main conflict?� Mr. Gabb asked the class. Dead silence. Was everyone sleeping?
�Eckels does something that changes the entire future,� I said.
�Okay, so how does the author foreshadow this? Foreshadowing is hinting that something is going to happen later on in the story,� said Mr. Gabb. Again, silence. Cathy to the rescue�
�He uses the character Travis, who warns them not to panic or step off the path...� I said. Inside, I was heaving a sigh of exasperation. Why was this class so vapid? And wasn�t everyone supposed to know what foreshadowing is by seventh grade? But it�s Korea, I told myself� You don�t even know what foreshadowing is called in Korean, you hypocrite. Besides, what do you expect from a bunch of kids who�ve lived in Korea most of their lives and are brainwashed by a society that�s ruled over by idiotic government officials? What kind of government knows that their entire education system is a mess and doesn�t try to reform it, anyway?
But that was digressing a bit. Part of the problem with the classes at our school was that people were so self-conscious. They couldn�t help worrying about what other people would think. Everything was judged based on how they compared to other things, I thought with frustration. But what we need is to go our own paths�
I never felt so completely American until experiencing these kinds of moments. It�s not the outside that counts; it�s the thinking, the mindset, the ideals that count in determining a person�s identity. Did looking Korean and speaking a bit of Korean qualify me as �Korean-American�?
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Healthy multiplicity is another condition in which one might have trouble finding self-identity, because it describes multiple minds, persons, souls, individuals, or identities �coexisting within the same physical body.� (Wikipedia) In contrast to schizophrenia and dissociative identity disorder, however, which are considered medical disorders, healthy multiplicity is a state in which the several different identities are cooperative of each other and exist in �a healthy fashion.� (Wikipedia) There is a controversy as to whether it is possible for more than one mind to exist simultaneously and harmoniously in one space, and many people who report possessing more than one mind or identity are often diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder and are hospitalized. People with multiplicity are also often mislabeled as having a violent, criminal alter ago; this is simply a misconception, as the chances of a multiple having a dangerous personality within him or herself is about the same as any person possessing a violent nature.
There are other misconceptions about multiples, but what interested me more than others was that being multiple is not just �one person with a lot of different moods,� nor having �masks that you present to the outside world,� nor do your moods or masks have �strong senses of self-identity.� (�Myths�, �Collective Phenomenon�) These misunderstandings sum up the way I felt about my personality at times, and hence they clearly show that my struggle for finding my self-identity lies not in a disorder, but elsewhere.
What I do have in common with those who have schizophrenia, split personality, or multiplicity, however, is that finding self-identity is something of a challenge. Indeed, it may not be easy for anyone, but the different environments I lived in and the mixed messages I receive or have received play a large role in finding my identity. With family, for example, I am probably more lethargic and short-tempered because I am comfortable with the environment around me. With friends I am also comfortable, but the relationships I share with peers are obviously different from the relationships I share with my parents and siblings, prompting different responses. The discrepancies I feel in myself when immersed in the Korean environment as opposed to the American environment, go beyond the relationships with the respective people around me. It is involved with the whole philosophies and the resonance of culture and society.
People with schizophrenia, split personality, or multiplicity may have a difficult time finding their true self-identities. Their solutions may be to integrate all their different minds, or simply to have them coexist peacefully, as in some cases of multiplicity. But in my case, I now recognize that all the different character traits that I show, whether with family, with friends, in the United States or in Korea, are all vital parts of my identity that I need to assess and utilize in all the appropriate situations. This is my toned-down version of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, but I will be in control of when and how to change form.
Works Cited
Books
James, William. The Principles of Psychology: Volumes I and II, Harvard University Press: New York, 1981
James, William. The Will to Believe, Longmans, Green, and Co.: London, 1898
Newspapers/Magazines
Unknown, �Borderline Personality Disorder: Advances in Science and Treatment� Medical News Today 19 September 2006.
Gerstein, Paul S., M.D. �Schizophrenia� eMedicine 17 June 2004.
Websites
Collective Phenomenon: Myths. Amorpha.
Site accessed 28 September 2006.
�Dissociative Identity Disorder� Wikipedia. Last modified 27 September 2006.
Site accessed 27 September 2006.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dissociative_identity_disorder
�Healthy Multiplicity� Wikipedia. Last modified 20 September 2006.
Site accessed 25 September 2006.
National Alliance on Mental Illness. Weinberger, Daniel., M.D. October 2003.
Site accessed 26 September 2006.
�Schizophrenia� Wikipedia. Last modified 23 September 2006.
Site accessed 23 September 2006.
Links to other sites on the Web
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