Joy... irrelevant crap FUN stuff (page two).
In The Elevator:
1.Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
2.Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
3.Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
4.Blow spit bubbles.
5.Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
6.Bring a chair along.
7.Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
8.Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
9.Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
10.Do Tai Chi exercises.
11.Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
12.Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
13.Give religious tracts to each passenger.
14.Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
15.Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
16.Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
17.If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
18.Lean against the button panel.
19.Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
20.Leave a box between the doors.
21.Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
22.Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
23.Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
24.Meow occassionally.
25.Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
26.On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
27.On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
28.One word: Flatulence!
29.Play the harmonica.
30.Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
31.Say "Ding!" at each floor.
32.Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
33.Sell Girl Scout cookies.
34.Shadow box.
35.Shave.
36.Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
37.Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
38.Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
39.Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
40.Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
41.Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
42.Start a sing-along.
43.Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
44.Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
45.Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
46.Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
47.When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
48.When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
49.When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
50.Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
50 Ways to Annoy Your Parents:
(There's a star* by the ones I've done/I do.)
1. Follow them everywhere.*
2. Moo when they say your name.
3. Pretend to have amnesia.
4. Say everything backwards.*
5. Give yourself a swirly.
6. Run around with a lamp shade on your head yelling, "The sun!!! It's dying!!!"
7. Run into walls.
8. Sing at the top of your lungs while running around the house in your underwear (or naked for that matter).
9. Have nervous breakdowns at spontaneous times.*
10. Say that wearing clothes is against your religion.
11. Pretend to worship the devil.
12. Stand over them at 4 in the morning with a HUGE grin on your face and yell, "Good morning sunshine!!!"
13. Snort loudly when you laugh and then laugh harder.*
14. Run in circles.*
15. Recite a whole movie 3 times.
16. Pretend to beat yourself up.
17. Pluck someone's hair out and yell, "DNA!!!"
18. Slither everywhere.
19. Wear a sticker that says, "I'm a retard!!!"
20. Wear your pants on your head and your shirt on your waist... tell them you're making a fashion statement.
21. Try and drink out of a glass the wrong way.*
22. Super glue your finger up your nose.
23. Talk to a pen.
24. Have 20 imaginary friends that you talk to ALL the time.
25. Lay face down and chant like an indian tribe.
26. Try and climb the wall.*
27. Spread out on the window and buzz, pretending to be a fly.
28. Take your ice cream cone and put it one your forehead... say you're a lovely unicorn.
29. In public yell, "No Mom/Dad, I will not make out with you!!!"
30. Make weird animals noises at night, and when them come to see whats wrong, pretend like you're asleep and nothing out of the ordinary happened.
31. Do what they tell you to do.
32. Switch the light button on and off for a while. Then say, "Ooooh... I get it!!!"
33. Eat your hair.*
34. Tell them whatever they're eating looks like a certain animal.
35. Eat anything obviously not edible.
36. Jump off the roof, trying to fly.*
37. Say your pet is mocking you and chase it around the house.
38. Hold their hand and whisper to them, "I see dead people..."*
39. When you shower or bathe yell, "I'm drowning!!!"
40. Try to snorkel in your fish tank.
41. Ask them quietly, "Pardon me but do you have any..." then yell, "SHOELACES!!!"
42. Chase an imaginary tail.
43. Demand your own area code.
44. At everything they say yell, "Liar!!!"*
45. Pretend to be 326 years old.
46. Hang upside down in your closet.
47. Pretend to be a phone.
48. Try to swim in the floor.
49. Tap on their door all night.
50. Pretend to have multiple personalities.*
The English Language
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple... English muffins were not invented in England nor French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its anomalies, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor a pig. And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? Is cheese the plural of choose? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital? Ship by car, and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another? When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm clock goes off by coming on. When the stars are out, they are visible, but when lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it?
Zen-type thoughts for the day...
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart.
7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
25. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our butt... then things get worse.
26. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
27. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." (That one's for me!)
28. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
29. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11.
30. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
You know you're living in 2003 when.....
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail your friend who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn you've been laid off on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends".
15. You got this e-mail from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.
16. You are too busy to notice there was no #9.
17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9.
(Bet you all did this one!)
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