| "Little Bo-Peep Quits Her Day Job" by Surrie |
| Loneliness is not a fun occupation, but, as I know first hand, sheep searching isn�t either. Yet, there I was, day in and day out carrying that obnoxious herder stick, dressed in frills and stockings. To tell you the truth, I hated the sheep! They were nothing but obnoxious, annoying, walking cotton balls! They didn�t even have the decent courtesy to stay in one place. There were other occupations out there that I could take if I just set my mind to it. I wanted to do something drastic, profitable, daring, outrageous, and ultimately dangerous! There would be no sheep searching for this girl anymore. At first, I went through a few odd jobs, including a window-washer, a librarian, and a CIA-agent on the edge. Yet, none of those jobs seemed to fit well enough with me. There was only one job that I could truly be happy doing. I would become a mercenary. Well, as usual, Mother Goose was not too happy with the prospect of me taking this position. Yet, I wasn�t the first of her �children� to quit their day-job. Why, little Jack Corner had to quit a couple of months before, because he gained so much weight from pie-eating that he had to go on the Atkin�s diet full time. So, I declared myself a mercenary, but I really didn�t know where to start. I knew I needed to find some clients, so I spread the word through villagers and such that I was a mercenary now and would take any job sent my way. Not two days later, some �fancy-smancy� guy named �Prince Charming� called on me, begging my assistance as he saved his beloved from an evil witch in an evil tower. Her name was Rapunzel. �Do you have any credentials?� he asked. "No.� �Any job training?� �No.� "Have you even taken your first job yet?� ��No.� �Well, I guess you�ll just have to do.� �Yeap.� So, we set out on our journey a couple of days afterward. He finally told me the information on this whole �quest�. It turns out that some witch had captured Rapunzel when she was a baby, and the prince came upon her in a tower when he was out hunting one afternoon. They had as many couples that day, fell in love by the hands of fate, and, to make a long story short, didn�t keep their love a secret, and the witch found out. She cut Rapunzel�s hair, and now they had no way to carry on their love affair any longer. So, my job was to help find some way to rescue her. At that moment, we were traveling through the forest, him on his handsome, magnificent horse, and me on a ruddy, smelly, old donkey named �Bert�. We continued on our way until we came upon a tall, dark, menacing, and malicious looking tower. The prince dismounted from his �noble steed� and ran towards the tower in a frantic rush. �Rapunzel, Rapunzel!� he cried. �It is I!� A beautiful woman with short blonde hair and distressed, teary eyes poked her head from the tower�s tall, single window. �Oh! It is you, it is you!� she cried tearfully. What was Prince Charming�s real name anyways? I climbed down from my donkey, and sauntered over. I must have looked a fright, with my curls messy, my face caked with mud and something else from falling from my donkey, and I wasn�t dressed like any ordinary girl in camouflage and hiking boots from my army days. �Hey, Rapunzel, is there anyway to get down from up there other than jumping?� I called. Of course, if she jumped, it would show how crazy I was to take this job in the first place. She looked curious and quizzically at me before poking her head back into the tower, and then looking back out. �No, little girl, I don�t see anyway to escape! Woe is I!� she sobbed lightly. �Me�Woe is me.� �Whatever.� Rapunzel said with a sob. �Just get me down from here!� Why didn�t any of the princes in these stupid fairytales have first names and why did all these princesses with odd names tend to get kidnapped? Then, it hit me. I returned to Bert and pulled a large, bound book from my nap-sack and shuffled through a few pages, then turned back to the crying Rapunzel. �Rapunzel,� I said a bit irritated, �have you ever tried looking behind the big, ugly portrait of the witch?� Not too seconds later, she was rushing out of the tower, and into Prince Charming�s arms. As they cuddled and kissed, I couldn�t help but ask the prince the question that had been on my mind all day. �Your majesty?� I said asked. �What?� he said, turning to me. �What�s your real name?� �Hubert.� �Ahhh�� �By the way, Ms. Peep, how did you know about the secret passage way behind the witch�s portrait?� �It was easy. All you needed do was find a plot hole. Every stupid nursery rhyme or bedtime story has one.� I tilted my head and turned over the book to him. �It�s called The Mad Hatter�s Guide to Secret Story Plot Holes. It�s a top seller.� After the touching moment of watching the two love-birds ride off into the sunset, I decided I wasn�t really up to saving all these moronic damsels. The sheep didn�t give me much of a warm welcome, but after a while we came to the agreement that I wouldn�t cut the grass in the summer, if they would easily find their own way home at night. Life, finally, wasn�t so dull anymore. A year later, I received a letter from Hubert, telling me Rapunzel was already pregnant with their first child. This was wonderful news, except the part where he said he wanted to become a flying acrobat in a traveling circus. I shook my head and replied: �Don�t quit your day job.� |