I fell pregnant at the age of 15, with my son Defyn. The father of my child was a good man and a good father. However things did not turn out the way we hoped. My mother at that time offered to take the baby and raise it herself. As grateful as I was I could not, perhaps the maternal instinct in me was strong. Doug, Defyn's dad moved us all to North Wales from Harlow in Essex. It was a new start we hoped. The relationship between Doug and my self had almost completely disappeared within 18 months of Defyn's birth. There was a massive age gap, he was 27 years older than myself. Maybe he should've known better maybe I should have. I have learnt over a short period of time that children are never a mistake, but sometimes the timing could be better. I left Doug on July 1st 1991 and travelled back to Harlow on a train with Defyn and all the belongings I could carry on a pushchair. We sat in the train toilets as there was nowhere to sit. It was horrendous, in many ways. I left a Dear John note for Doug which I feel terrible about now, but I was ignorant and too young. Unbeknown to myself I was already pregnant again with my second son Conor. My mother supported me completely, however I felt very inadequate towards my children and I was very insecure in my own persona. I resigned myself to a life of loneliness, as I could not accept that anybody would seriously consider me as anything but spoilt goods.
The day Conor was born, my mother was recovering from a hysterectomy operation at the same hospital. They had discovered she had Ovarian Cancer. That year my cousin was also diagnosed with breast cancer. My mam asked me to take her home, she said she didn't want to die in Harlow. Within three weeks with the help of my mam's family we had moved 200 miles back home. During the following three years my mothers health improved, the Cancer went into remission. She was very contented and happy almost. Defyn and Conor grew quickly and Defyn started school.
In December 1994 things started to go seriously wrong. My mam's health went into decline I blanked out the seriousness of the situation. Hell, my mam won't die she is going to live forever. That's what I tried to convince myself with. Well the Cancer took her on March 10th 1995. I spent a night out with Alan for the first that day. My mother died at 3am that morning.
Six weeks after meeting Alan and after my mam died I fell pregnant with Alex. I don't know if it was an aftershock or what, but I felt a huge gap in my life and the need to have another child was unbearable. Alan was shocked that I asked him to father a child, looking back now so am I. Alex was born in 1996, and Sean was born in 1998. So the moral of this story is that you do what you do and don't hurt people because they will always shock the hell out of you. Children are a bonus in a relationship whether they are genetically yours or not.
IN ADDITION TO THIS LITTLE DITTY OF IGNORANT BLATHERING ON PLEASE CLICK ON THE NEXT LINK FOR THE AMENDED VERSION OF EVENTS, A FEW THINGS NEED TO BE SET STRAIGHT.
