Defyn's Birth

I wrote this diary not long after Defyn was born, bearing in mind he was my first child and the fact I was 16 at the time. Neither the language or the grammar is very good.

On March third 1990, I was taken into hospital 2.oo a.m. At 3.30 a.m. I was taken to the Labour ward at The Princess Alexandra, Harlow. I had by this time asked for something to lessen the incredible pain. I did not at any time cry, although people were waiting for me to break down. All my efforts were to concentrate on not noticing the pain.  My concentration lapsed every time my mam spoke to me and although it was a great comfort for her to be with me I had to tell her to "shut up". At 11.50 a.m. the same day I was taken from the labour suite and back to the ward. I asked again for some pain relief, I had not had any at that point. A nurse had a look at me, she immediately broke my waters with what looked like a knitting needle, and I was whisked back into labour suite with a dose of pethidine inside me.

! can't remember much after this, apart from hearing my mam talking to the midwife. As I satrted to regain consciousness I was aware of myself singing. I was singing that I wanted to have a 'poo'. I had the strangest pressure down below that honestly felt that I wanted to go the toilet. This carried on for about an hour, it felt like 2 minutes though.

The last stage of labour began at 3.20p.m. My mam was by my side herself in a lot of pain because of her back.

At 3.59 p.m. after a very long day I gave birth to a bonny baby boy. I wanted to cry but I couldn't. I looked at the baby and nothing was registering, it must have been the pethidine. Doug, Defyn's dad came to see him at 5.30 p.m. I will never forget the look on his face, it was like I had given him the most precious of gifts, he was overwhelmed. I loved him so much and to see our baby in his arms made the pain and suffering worth while.

How I remember it now

The recording of that day above seems almost romantic. I know why I wrote like that, quite simply because Doug was very learned and I felt I had to be as concise as possible in anything I wrote. I was very insecure and I felt as though anyhting I did wasn't worthwhile unless someone else benefitted from me. Doug wasn't at the birth, I don't condemn him for that. He personally felt as though he would not be able to handle the situation, and I thinnk he was right. However I have failed to mention how my mam suffered to be at the birth of her grandson. My mam's back had been severely injured because of an accident at work. For almost 24 hours she sat in hospital chairs giving me comfort and strength to carry on. I never thanked her for that, for some strange reason I felt as though my mam was an enemy, and she wasn't she just didn't know what to do to help me. She knew Doug and I weren't meant for each other but was powerless to do anything as I would probably have moved out.
Thank you mam, I don't know if God has the internet in one of his many rooms, but..........anyway.

Alex's birth......