How to improve your relationship

Do you have problems in your relationship?
If things are not going well in a sexual relationship both partners have to try to understand why.
So, if you are in a relationship that's in trouble you need to ask yourself a number of questions.

� What do you as a couple really want out of the relationship and are you getting it?
� Are you about to leave your partner? Or do you still enjoy your life together?
� Are you ready to sacrifice time and energy to make your relationship work again?

Who is to blame?

When things are going badly, couples tend to ask which of them is to blame, or which of them is at
fault. 'Blame' and 'fault' are not very helpful words. It's better by far for both partners to accept
that they have joint responsibility for the relationship and to agree that when they are having
problems they should work at them together.

Where do we begin to improve our relationship?

Are you prepared to be honest and tell your partner what pleases you and what annoys you in your
relationship?

Are you ready to say 'Yes' when you mean yes, and 'No' when you mean no?

Are you both ready to treat your relationship as a top priority, so it is not just limited to a few
hours at the end of the day when you are too exhausted to talk anyway?

If necessary are you ready to live without any kind of ordinary sex life and concentrate your
energies on different aspects of the relationship?

Do you and your partner agree that you want to work together to save your relationship.

In this case, you are ready to contact a therapist who can use several ways to re-establish a
sexual relationship.

How can you improve your sexual life?

Counsellers can help by using many different approaches to the problem. The following is one way
in which relationship therapists could help improve your sex life.

They may teach you an exercise designed to �train your senses�. This aims to reduce the anxiety
associated with sexual intercourse. The exercise is based on ping-pong where you both take turns
to hit the ball. One partner takes on an active role while the other becomes passive. Then you
reverse the roles. But the idea is that you play together, not against each other.

You take turns at taking the initiative. You can both ask for a pause any time you want, but as long
as you play, you both know that you are enjoying what you are doing. You are playing the game to
help yourselves.

You say: I want, I do, I need, and not: do you want or would you like?

Both partners need to be straight and honest with each other.

How do you train your senses?

You do this exercise as often as you wish depending on the time you have available.

This should be at least once a week.

You need to find a place with plenty of space and light where you can be undisturbed and relaxed.
Allow an hour or more.

You can start off with a soothing shower; have it together if you like, but do not allow any sexual
play.

Then lie down, naked, and relax together.

One of you then lies comfortably on the stomach while the other sits or lies alongside their partner
and uses his or her hands or maybe mouth, to caress the other person's body warmly and lovingly
all over . You go on like this for about 15 minutes.

Then, the person lying down turns onto their back and lets the caresses continue. Any caressing
except sexual caressing is allowed.

If either partner is aroused by the mutual stroking and touching that is fine. But neither of you must
turn the act into a sexual one. Sex is not allowed.

After about half an hour you should take a break, and then switch roles. So if you were the active
partner to begin with, you will now be passive.

When one of you says stop - after five minutes or maybe an hour - the training is over. Next time you
may go on for longer if you wish. You are not aiming for any special goals or to beat any records.

Remember this game must not be allowed to develop into sexual intercourse. If one of you gets an
irrepressible desire to have an orgasm you have to masturbate yourself. You can do this openly
but do not involve your partner.

How will the therapist help you with this exercise?

A relationship therapist can instruct you beforehand. After practising in this way for an agreed
period of time, you will be expected to report back to the therapist. This gives you an opportunity to
explain your feelings and thoughts about your relationship during the past weeks or months. You
will not be judged on your feedback. Then the therapist will give you new instructions for the next
stage of the exercise. Eventually you will be allowed to incorporate some sexual foreplay, and
finally this will be allowed to culminate in full sexual intercourse.

This training can genuinely re-awaken and refresh a sexual relationship between two loving
partners. Suitable therapists can be found through Relate or The Institute of Psychosexual
Medicine, or BASRT. There is some help available on the NHS at various psychosexual clinics up
and down the country. Unfortunately there will almost certainly be a waiting list. For further details
see your GP.