SONG CHALLENGE WINNER!

The Song Challenge:   The Mother Of All Excuses -- A pub landlord has developed the perfect defence for the post-work tippler who needs an excuse for being late home - a phone booth which adds authentic sound effects to any drinker's excuse for being late home.   Colin Benham, who runs the Travellers Joy in Rayleigh, Essex, first built a traditional-style red kiosk by hand.   He then added a selection of digitally recorded background noises, from a busy railway station to a bustling office and a noisy traffic jam.  Regulars now have the opportunity of ringing loved ones with a choice of excuses ranging from "the boss wants me to stay late at the office" to "you wouldn't believe the traffic I'm stuck in" . . . while Mr Benham pours the next round.  Mr Benham, who has no immediate plans to develop his invention, said yesterday: "It's the perfect answer to avoid those 'your dinner's in the dog' situations. I've got a CD with everything from traffic jam noise to the sound of a supermarket. It started off as an April Fool's joke but it has taken off like you wouldn't believe."  Drinkers simply request the bar staff to play a particular sound effect which is relayed through a speaker fixed inside the kiosk, and the rest is down to the caller's conscience. The landlady, Bernadette Williams, said there had been reports of the system being used for marginally more nefarious purposes, possibly involving bosses and secretaries.  She said: "There has been some talk of that kind of thing but overall we think it's a nice invention, and it's not just used by men. We built it ourselves because, being close to the railway station, we heard one or two people mention they had to leave because their dinner was ready when they really could have done with another pint.  "What happens is you get to unwind in the pub before you go home which puts you in a much better frame of mind, particularly if your partner thinks you've had an arduous time coming home. It makes for a much more harmonious evening."  The assistant manager, Tim Burchill, added: "Basically it gives you the perfect excuse to stay for that last pint, or five." Of course, too many drinks and the person on the other end of the line could be wondering what a train is doing in a supermarket . . .

You Won't Believe, Dear by Áine
(Tune: You Are My Sweetheart)

You won't believe, dear
What happened to me,
While I was waiting for the next train
I met a man, dear
Some poor old codger,
Who was wandering down the lane.

He beckoned to me,
I thought to beg, dear
Wiping his nose upon his sleeve,
He said, "Come 'ere, mate,
"Got sumfin' fer ya."
And I thought I ought to leave.

That's when I looked him
Right in the eyes, dear
And a change came over his face
He was an alien,
Not from around here,
Planning to take me to outer space!

I tried to run then,
Like you'd expect, dear
But me pins were frozen stiff
It was just like when
I drink too much, dear
And I need a little lift.

We wandered 'round a bit,
And finally found, dear
His interstellar travelling ship
But it was booted by
A meter maid, dear
So we stopped for a little nip.

Well, that old spaceman,
I have to say, dear
Must not be used to strong whiskey
After three or four,
He couldn't find the door,
So the driving was up to me.

Being an honest man,
I paid the fine, dear
And got the boot removed at last
I rolled him inside
His jolly craft, dear
And he showed me which way to blast.

I tried to tell him,
I had no licence, dear
But he belched and then fell over
Although I tried then,
To steer the ship, dear
I barely made the Cliffs of Dover.

Oh can't you hear, dear
The sea gulls calling
As they fly by overhead?
Yes, I'll be late, dear
As you can clearly hear,
So why don't you just go on to bed?

Back to Top