SONG CHALLENGE WINNER!

No Room On The Xerox For Virgin Berths -- Bosses at Sir Richard Branson's Virgin Mobile scuppered plans to have photocopiers at their Christmas party so staff could scan their bottoms.  The idea was to recreate a television advertisement for the firm featuring former All Saints star Melanie Blatt, in which she does the same.  But the stunt was dropped after the company's legal advisers stepped in and ruled it unsafe.  More than 1,000 Virgin Mobile employees attended the firm's Christmas party on Tuesday at a nightclub in the Wiltshire town of Trowbridge.  It featured performances from the pop group Liberty and DJ Boy George.  A spokeswoman for the firm said she had heard about the idea to install reinforced photocopiers in the club as a gag after the success of the advertisement.  She said she understood it had come from someone else in their communications department, but was rejected by legal experts.  "Somebody had been talking about it early on, but it wouldn't have been allowed for legal reasons," the spokeswoman said. "It's unfortunate because it would be a good laugh."  And it appears that the ban-the-bums barristers might have an ally in the form of Officials at the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents, who say workers risk cutting themselves on broken copier glass.  They say the Virgin mobile phone ad of Melanie Blatt photocopying her backside is "daft and irresponsible".  Spokesman Roger Vincent is warning office workers not to be tempted to make photocopied backsides "this year's festive trend".  He told The Sun: "Inhibitions are loosened after a few drinks and people show off. We don't want copying backsides to become this year's festive trend.  "Someone could find themselves in a hospital casualty ward this Christmas instead of at home with their families.  "Sitting on a photocopier is very dangerous. We don't want to be killjoys but advise people to stick to good old-fashioned mistletoe."


The Xeroxed Burglar by Amos
(Tune: The Boston Burglar)


I was born and raised in Wiltshire,
A county I love well,
Brought up by honest parents,
The truth to you I'll tell,
I was raised by honest parents,
And brought up tenderly
Until I turned to burgling
At the age of twenty three!!

I burgled stores and condos,
And manses, halls and homes!
I swiped the stew from kitchen stoves,
And made their mommas moan!
I picked up gems from bedrooms,
As a burglar, I was hot!
Until this winter brought me down
With a bad case of the trots.

As I softly stole into a house,
And softly climbed the stairs,
A cruel virus seized my gut
And took me unawares!
Although I stole the owners' clothes,
His jewelry, too, by Jeeze,
I had to leave there in the dark,
My stinking BVDs!

I went back to my day job sir,
By gastric tonics healed,
I was just in time to join the fun
At the Xmas party deal.
We were drinking jolly Xmas grog
And minds began to rot,
We started xeroxing our bums,
And passing 'round the shots.

Now, I've never been a party poop,
I'm in there with the best!
And so I rode that Xerox screen,
And got "copied" with the rest.
And when the grog had worn me down,
I staggered home at three,
And I never dreamed that party game
My downfall soon would be.

For just after I had left the bash,
They were busted by the fuzz!
Who took and swept up all the trash,
Evidence, they said it was.
And some bright dick had had the thought,
By chance, he did allow,
That one among those Xerox prints
Seemed familiar, somehow!!

My character was taken,
The shot was my downfall,
One of the busted office girls
Had recognized a ball,
And when I woke up next morning,
Three coppers hollered "Freeze!"
They had tracked me down from the traces brown,
In those goddamned BVDs!!

So you who have your liberty,
Pray keep it bright and clean,
And do not leave your buttmarks on
The copying machine,
For if you do, you know you will
Find yourself like me,
A-serving out your thirty years
in the penitentiary.

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