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What Happens When A Bird Brain . . .A part-time inventor who went for a woodland stroll to test out his latest contraption - a bird-feeding hat - suffered whiplash after he was knocked over by a hungry squirrel.  Mike Madden, 48, was walking through woods near his house in Huddersfield, northern England, when a large grey squirrel spied the nuts on a feeding tray mounted on top of his headgear.  The squirrel leaped from the top of a tree and landed with such force that Mr Madden was knocked to the ground and suffered whiplash injuries.  He said: "I was out walking through the woods with my friend Craig Bailey.  We had only just started the walk when 'kaboom' - I was on the floor.  I didn't see much of what happened, but Craig told me he saw the squirrel flying through the air and land right on my head."  Mr Madden designed the hat so birds could use it while he was walking because he was concerned about their winter food supplies.  He said: "Someone told me afterwards that with it coming up to winter and food being so short, squirrels can be quite aggressive and opportunistic.  I wish I had known that before.  I've always liked squirrels - but once you've had one land on your head travelling about 30 mph you can easily go off them."  Mr Madden says his bird feeder was destroyed in the assault and he has vowed not to build another.  . . . Meets A Bird Woman?  A woman found living up a tree in Italy told police she had been kicked out of her home by her husband.  The 41-year-old woman was arrested when she started throwing chestnuts at the policemen who spotted her.  Tania Dasilva told officers she had been kicked out of her house in Teramo after a quarrel with her husband.  She said she had "no intention whatsoever to leave the tree."  The woman, who would not say when she was kicked out of the house, started throwing chestnuts at the policeman after they asked her to come down.  She is currently being held at the local police station and has been charged with aggression.  Police say they haven't been able to find her husband yet.


The Women Are Worse Than The Squirrels by derrymacash

(I've been shamed by Áine and Deda into submitting an entry!  So, to the tune of "Killieburne Brae" (as recorded by, amongst others, the Dubliners and appearing in Colm O'Lochlainn's Irish Street Ballads Volume One as, if memory serves me right, "The Women Are Worse Than The Men"). All of the above a vain attempt to establish some credibility before I drive a coach and horses through any semblance of same by the following!)

There was an oul' woman down Italy way
Rifle-rifle-tiddle-aye-ay
There was an oul' woman down Italy way
And she'd lived in a tree for many a day
With me fol-de-rol-da, tiddle-aye-a, fol-de-rol-da fol-iddle-aye-ay

Her husband was nearly driv out of his mind
Rifle-rifle-tiddle-aye-ay
Her husband was nearly driv out of his mind
With his wife who was perched in the firs and the pines
With me fol-de-rol-da, tiddle-aye-a, fol-de-rol-da fol-iddle-aye-ay

He tried to get wifey to live on the ground
Rifle-rifle-tiddle-aye-ay
He tried to get wifey to live on the ground
But try as he might she just wouldn't come down
With me fol-de-rol-da, tiddle-aye-a, fol-de-rol-da fol-iddle-aye-ay

When charm didn't work, then he soon had recourse
Rifle-rifle-tiddle-aye-ay
When charm didn't work, then he soon had recourse
To the final solution of physical force
With me fol-de-rol-da, tiddle-aye-a, fol-de-rol-da fol-iddle-aye-ay

He pelted his woman with big lumps of stones
Rifle-rifle-tiddle-aye-ay
He pelted his woman with big lumps of stones
She answered each volley with branches and cones
With me fol-de-rol-da, tiddle-aye-a, fol-de-rol-da fol-iddle-aye-ay

Says she to her husband, "Now war is declared"
Rifle-rifle-tiddle-aye-ay
Says she to her husband, "Now war is declared
I'll finish my days in the trees like a bird"
With me fol-de-rol-da, tiddle-aye-a, fol-de-rol-da fol-iddle-aye-ay

And away through the branches the woman did flit
Rifle-rifle-tiddle-aye-ay
Away through the branches the woman did flit
Though her husband bemoaned she did not care a whit
With me fol-de-rol-da, tiddle-aye-a, fol-de-rol-da fol-iddle-aye-ay

A year came and went with no sight nor sign
Rifle-rifle-tiddle-aye-ay
A year came and went with no sight nor sign
And to her departure her man was resigned
With me fol-de-rol-da, tiddle-aye-a, fol-de-rol-da fol-iddle-aye-ay

One day when out walking his oul' lurcher hound
Rifle-rifle-tiddle-aye-ay
One day when out walking his oul' lurcher hound
In the branches above him he noticed a sound
With me fol-de-rol-da, tiddle-aye-a, fol-de-rol-da fol-iddle-aye-ay

An army of finches and squirrels and owls
Rifle-rifle-tiddle-aye-ay
An army of finches and squirrels and owls
In the branches above him were starting to prowl
With me fol-de-rol-da, tiddle-aye-a, fol-de-rol-da fol-iddle-aye-ay

Says one of the squirrels "Your former oul' wife"
Rifle-rifle-tiddle-aye-ay
Says one of the squirrels "Your former oul' wife
Has given us orders to take your oul' life"
With me fol-de-rol-da, tiddle-aye-a, fol-de-rol-da fol-iddle-aye-ay

"We beasts of the trees have given our pledge"
Rifle-rifle-tiddle-aye-ay
"We beasts of the trees have given our pledge
That your wife's cruel treatment we're bound to avenge"
With me fol-de-rol-da, tiddle-aye-a, fol-de-rol-da fol-iddle-aye-ay

And with those words the squirrel leapt on the man's head
Rifle-rifle-tiddle-aye-ay
With those words the squirrel leapt on the man's head
A ferocious attack left the bugger for dead
With me fol-de-rol-da, tiddle-aye-a, fol-de-rol-da fol-iddle-aye-ay

But the poor man came round and he prayed on his knees
Rifle-rifle-tiddle-aye-ay
The poor man came round and he prayed on his knees
And he moved to the desert where there aren't any trees
With me fol-de-rol-da, tiddle-aye-a, fol-de-rol-da fol-iddle-aye-ay

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