SONG CHALLENGE WINNER!

The Song Challenge:   The Case of the Crazed Cookie Crusher -- (Yardley, Pennsylvania) For three years the managers in the three supermarkets kept finding shelves of crumbled cookies and smashed loaves of bread.  A cookie company finally installed a hidden camera turned on the cookie aisle at a Giant supermarket.  That led to the arrest and conviction of Samuel Feldman, 37, on charges of disorderly conduct and criminal mischief, and a fine of $1,000.  Both prosecutors and defense attorneys appeared in court with bags of sweet-smelling evidence. The prosecution with bruised buns and crushed cookies, and the defense with unmangled goodies used to demonstrate their client's squeezing technique.  Although Mr. Feldman claimed his innocence, saying 'I squeeze bread when I go to the store, but I don't get arrested for it," the judge said that the 18-hour videotape clearly showed Feldman "manipulating bread and cookies" and "acting suspiciously around the baked goods."  A local reporter commented that the videotape showed Mr. Feldman waiting until his wife's back was turned, and only then would he begin bashing the bread.  "He apparently loved to stick his thumbs in the middle of the fruit-filled cookies.  The impressions were so distinct, the police were able to use them to lift his fingerprints."   Judge Heckler has postponed the sentencing hearing to give Mr. Feldman, who now lives in Las Vegas, time to find "a mental health professional who is familiar with bread-related compulsive behavior."  Meanwhile, the bread and cookie distributors still want their dough, and are planning to sue Mr. Feldman in civil court to recover $8,000, the amount of baked goods they claim that he vandalized over the three year period.

With Extra Relish by Áine

Well Sammy's wife, Zoe, was so worried,
That Sam had a wandering eye,
She went in for a little tooshy tuck,
But the result made our poor Sammy cry.

Instead of the soft buns that he cherished,
His Zoe now had two hard mounds,
Now when he gave them a little loving squeeze,
His heart sank right down to the ground.

One day at the market, our dear Sammy
Found himself in the bakery aisle,
Perusing the rows of buns and cakes now,
Our Sammy grew a big foot-long smile.

Now Zoe could never imagine,
Why Sam suddenly seemed to yearn,
To do all the shopping at the market,
And her handmade bread always would burn.

For three years their marriage was blissful,
'Till at the news stand our Zoe did stop,
And there on the front page was her Sammy,
For bun bashing he had been popped!

The trial made the TV and the Internet,
CNN and MSNBC, too,
But Zoe kept quiet through it all now,
And made plans about what next to do.

Well they moved to Las Vegas in the springtime,
And Zoe got tucked at the top,
With her biscuits and buns, she got a new job,
And Sam promised his habits to drop.

Now Zoe she's dancing at casinos,
And Sam sells hot dogs on the side,
With a smile he dispenses 'Sammy's Special',
A foot-long with a bun extra wide!

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