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The Song Challenge:   He's A Long, Tall Surgeon -- (Indianapolis, IN) A spokesperson for the MidWest Medical Center announced today that the hospital would remove all spittoons from its surgical intensive care unit, following complaints by patients. "This has all been a colossal misunderstanding, and we want to put it behind us", said hospital spokesman Henry O'Toole. According to O'Toole, the 19th century-style saliva receptacles had been placed in the intensive care unit by Dr. Nick Testa, a staff surgeon. Anonymous sources within the hospital described Dr. Testa's reputation as a surgical "cowboy", a part he had increasingly tried to play to the maximum. "First people were just referring to him as a 'cowboy' because he basically took anyone to the OR, no matter what their problem was", said the source. "Then about five years ago, he started wearing hand-tooled cowboy boots...OK, lots of surgeons do that." Apparently several staff were upset when Dr. Testa tried last month to operate on a patient wearing a Lone Ranger style mask, after earlier wearing a bandana pulled up over his handlebar moustache, instead of a standard surgical mask. "He was just yelling: 'This IS my mask, this IS my mask', when they tried to get him out of the OR", according to Sally Stevens, a MidWestern scrub nurse. Many staff members regarded as amusing Testa's practice of carrying his stethoscope in a holster, drawing it with a rapid motion when he intended to examine a patient. However, when Testa brought three large brass spittoons into the surgical intensive care unit, patients and their families began to complain. Testa's habit of chewing tobacco and spitting towards the spittoons reportedly became increasingly disruptive to intensive care unit staff, who frequently had to change intravenous lines and dressings when Testa missed his mark. According to O'Toole, Dr. Testa is currently on vacation in Montana, and so is unavailable for comment.


Whoopee Tie Him Up by Áine
(Tune: Whoopee Ti Yi Yo)

Áine's Comments: The 'bright white Maria' (pronouned 'mah-rye-uh') is a not-so-veiled reference to the 'Black Maria', which was a term that was used (at least here in Texas) for the 'paddy wagon' or the vehicle in which one was hauled off the to hoosgow (read 'jail').

The alarm went off in the firehouse that mornin',
So the fellas and I rolled the ladder truck out,
'27' the code, a nut on a rooftop,
It was business as usual, without a doubt.

And what to our wondrin' eyes should appear,
When we pulled up close to the hospital wall,
But a baldin' Long Ranger, as nekid as noon,
Swingin' two stethascopes and having a ball!

Chorus:
Whoopee tie him up, come along Dr. Cowboy,
They're haulin' your spittoons right outa the door,
Whoopee tie him up, come along Dr. Cowboy,
The shrink and his hypo are rarin' to go!

Well, we spread out the jump net and cranked up the ladder,
Played 'scissors and stone' to see who'd go this time,
Wouldn't ya know, I lost the last round, so
I pulled up my boots and I started to climb.

It was when I reached the top of the ladder,
I saw a sight that I cannot forget,
There was Dr. Testa, the famous brain surgeon,
A real 'Looney Tune', I was willin' to bet.

Whoopee tie him up, come along Dr. Cowboy,
They're haulin' your spittoons right outa the door,
Whoopee tie him up, come along Dr. Cowboy,
The shrink and his hypo are rarin' to go!

He aimed his six shootin' stethascopes right at me,
Pulled 'em outa his holster, held up by his paunch,
The nurses there cringed when he raised his bandana,
And puckered, his next spew of 'backy to launch.

'Hold on there, Cowboy,' I said to him slowly,
'I got sumpin' here that you just might enjoy,'
With tremblin' hands and a dribblin' mustache,
He took my can of Red Man like it was a toy.

Whoopee tie him up, come along Dr. Cowboy,
They're haulin' your spittoons right outa the door,
Whoopee tie him up, come along Dr. Cowboy,
The shrink and his hypo are rarin' to go!

We climbed down that ladder, the bestest of buddies,
Though the view of his rump put me straight off my lunch,
I waved as he rode off in the bright white Maria,
And he grinned as the dip of my chaw he still munched.

Well, I never did hear what became of the Doctor,
'Yosemite Sam', compleat in the raw,
I still think of him kindly, that OR Lone Ranger,
And hope that he's gettin' his share of good chaw.

Whoopee tie him up, come along Dr. Cowboy,
They're haulin' your spittoons right outa the door,
Whoopee tie him up, come along Dr. Cowboy,
The shrink and his hypo are rarin' to go!

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