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E-E-E-E-EEK! The Elves Are Armed And Claus Is Wearing Kevlar! -- Santas will be feeling oh-so-secure from rowdy children at shopping malls this year, now that the Freeport Leisure company is employing personal bodyguards for their costumed St. Nicks at their six factory outlet sites. The company is also telling their red-clad employees to wear extra padding. A company spokesman told the Evening Gazette: "Last year Santa received a number of tugs and pulls from over-exuberant children, which led to him getting a bit roughed up." "And there was an incident at one of the centres last year where there was a bit more to it than that. So this year we have decided to give Santa a bit of extra protection." Tindi Sorber, group marketing manager for Freeport Leisure, said children would still be encouraged to tug Santa's beard as part of the Christmas tradition. "We don't mind a tug - in fact we encourage it. It's all part of the Christmas tradition. However, last year Santa reported the odd bruise, so we've heeded his call and left nothing to chance," he said.
Up at the Nordstrom's* by mousethief
(Tune: Up on the Housetop)
mousethief's Comments: *In the Seattle dialect (coffeese), store names always end with 's. Even if it's not the name of some person or family (e.g. Safeway's). Don't ask us why.
Up at the Nordstrom's Santa's toughs
Stand nearby with gas and cuffs
Just let some kid get out of hand
And see how fast on the ground he'll land
Ho ho ho, who wouldn't go?
Ho ho ho, who wouldn't go up to the Nordstrom's
Click click click
Out come the switchblades to guard St. Nick
First comes a girl known as little Nell
She sits down and gives him hell
Pulling his beard till he hollers "stop!"
She's trundled off by an elfin cop
Ho ho ho, who wouldn't go?
Ho ho ho, who wouldn't go up to the Nordstrom's
Click click click
Out come the switchblades to guard St. Nick
Next comes a boy known as little Bob
Keeping him calm is quite a job
When he attempts to steal Santa's sack
He's eating carpet with a knee in his back
Ho ho ho, who wouldn't go?
Ho ho ho, who wouldn't go up to the Nordstrom's
Click click click
Out come the switchblades to guard St. Nick
Next comes a girl with a foreign name
She gets treated just the same
When she attempts to pinch his cheek
The guards come and knock her into next week
Ho ho ho, who wouldn't go?
Ho ho ho, who wouldn't go up to the Nordstrom's
Click click click
Out come the switchblades to guard St. Nick
When closing time comes winging 'round
No more kiddies can be found
They've been arrested or even worse
Santa drives off in an eight-deer hearse
Copyright 2001 Alex Riggle. All Rights Reserved.