SONG CHALLENGE WINNER!

The Song Challenge:   The Mother Of All Excuses -- A pub landlord has developed the perfect defence for the post-work tippler who needs an excuse for being late home - a phone booth which adds authentic sound effects to any drinker's excuse for being late home.   Colin Benham, who runs the Travellers Joy in Rayleigh, Essex, first built a traditional-style red kiosk by hand.   He then added a selection of digitally recorded background noises, from a busy railway station to a bustling office and a noisy traffic jam.  Regulars now have the opportunity of ringing loved ones with a choice of excuses ranging from "the boss wants me to stay late at the office" to "you wouldn't believe the traffic I'm stuck in" . . . while Mr Benham pours the next round.  Mr Benham, who has no immediate plans to develop his invention, said yesterday: "It's the perfect answer to avoid those 'your dinner's in the dog' situations. I've got a CD with everything from traffic jam noise to the sound of a supermarket. It started off as an April Fool's joke but it has taken off like you wouldn't believe."  Drinkers simply request the bar staff to play a particular sound effect which is relayed through a speaker fixed inside the kiosk, and the rest is down to the caller's conscience. The landlady, Bernadette Williams, said there had been reports of the system being used for marginally more nefarious purposes, possibly involving bosses and secretaries.  She said: "There has been some talk of that kind of thing but overall we think it's a nice invention, and it's not just used by men. We built it ourselves because, being close to the railway station, we heard one or two people mention they had to leave because their dinner was ready when they really could have done with another pint.  "What happens is you get to unwind in the pub before you go home which puts you in a much better frame of mind, particularly if your partner thinks you've had an arduous time coming home. It makes for a much more harmonious evening."  The assistant manager, Tim Burchill, added: "Basically it gives you the perfect excuse to stay for that last pint, or five." Of course, too many drinks and the person on the other end of the line could be wondering what a train is doing in a supermarket . . .

Trains In The Tavern by Great Goo
(Tune:  "Puttin' Nails in my Coffin")

Oh there's trains in the tavern
Hear that mighty whistle blow
Yeah there's trains in the tavern
There's no place to go
The traffic is all backed up
My beer is getting warm
Oop's I'd love to see ya honey
But I just can't get home
Oh there's trains in the tavern
An' I'm stuck right here.

I was hopin' that I'd get home
But it's no can do
Yeah, I was hoping that I'd get home
But I can't get through
You can hear from all the noise
That the traffics in a knot
An' I'd love to talk more honey
But my beer is getting hot
I was thinkin' that I'd be home
But I'm stuck right here

Well it's the answerin' machine boys
It's not even her
Yeah, it's the answerin' machine boys
I'm in trouble sure
Better draw another pounder
Put on that jet plane sound
When she comes in through that door
I will have my final round
It's the answering machine boys
An' I stuck right here

Oh there's trains in tavern
Hear that mighty whistle blow
Yeah there's trains in the tavern
There's no place to go
The traffic is all backed up
My beer is getting warm
Oop's I'd love to see ya honey
But I just can't get home
Oh there's trains in the tavern
An' I'm stuck right here 

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