SONG CHALLENGE WINNER!

E-E-E-E-EEK! The Elves Are Armed And Claus Is Wearing Kevlar! -- Santas will be feeling oh-so-secure from rowdy children at shopping malls this year, now that the Freeport Leisure company is employing personal bodyguards for their costumed St. Nicks at their six factory outlet sites.  The company is also telling their red-clad employees to wear extra padding.  A company spokesman told the Evening Gazette: "Last year Santa received a number of tugs and pulls from over-exuberant children, which led to him getting a bit roughed up."  "And there was an incident at one of the centres last year where there was a bit more to it than that.  So this year we have decided to give Santa a bit of extra protection."  Tindi Sorber, group marketing manager for Freeport Leisure, said children would still be encouraged to tug Santa's beard as part of the Christmas tradition.  "We don't mind a tug - in fact we encourage it.  It's all part of the Christmas tradition.  However, last year Santa reported the odd bruise, so we've heeded his call and left nothing to chance," he said.


The Toyland Talkin' Blues by Áine

Well, I took a drive to the local mall,
To buy the girl a book and the boy a ball,
As I passed the Army's bell ringing dude,
I was shocked to hear him say somethin' rude,
And then he muttered, 'Man, don't go in there!'

I'm the first to admit I'm the curious type,
And I've never fallen for the Christmas hype,
Like those potted Harry's in the manger scene,
Or aluminum trees, pink instead of green,
So I sauntered on in -- big mistake!

There were mamas and daddys hauling butt for the doors,
Dragging kids behind 'em in the threes and fours,
And the sounds that were comin' from deep in the place,
Coulda reached the limits of outer space,
It was loud, man -- and really scary!

The first clue was the deep 'Ho-Ho-Ho',
No, it was really more like 'Fee-Fi-Fo',
I rounded a corner and what to my eyes -
There was Santa - starkers - raising cain to the skies!
And what happened nest, wudn't purty either!

The kids that were left were a coupla j.d.'s,
Even though they'd only come up to your knees,
Swinging' from the rafters, they were shoutin', 'Kill him!'
If I'd had a camera, I coulda made a million,
CNN gold, I coulda been famous.

While that nekkid ol' elf stood up on his throne,
His 'excitement' at the situation sure had grown,
One of the brats musta been a rodeo fan,
'Cuz with a string of lights he lassoed Santa's 'Dan',
Ever head a pig squeal? -- yeah, I saw that movie, too.

There was a little girl, no better than him,
Who, with an Addams Family kinda grin,
Was puttin' paid to the giant Christmas tree,
With a fireman's axe, a minature banshee,
But the strangest thing, was yet to come.

On the garlands hung from the balconies,
Swung into action the Delta Force 'E's,
Their camaflouge, it was red and green,
The strangest damn elves that I ever seen,
And I've been to a lot of Renfaires.

From their turned up toes to the bells on their caps,
It was clear they weren't takin' any crap,
In the wink of an eye, not a crease in their felt,
They'd laid their hands on each kid's pelt,
I never knew -- that elves could brachiate.

Well, I thought it was over, but I was wrong,
'Cuz Santa was still wrapped in his electric thong,
And the last thing that that wild boy'd done,
Was turn every single Christmas tree light 'on',
It gave 'O Tannenbaum' a whole new meanin'.

The last thing I remember was the strangled cries,
As ole Nick's 'saint' was crispy fried,
And the screams of glee from the manicled brat,
'This year I want a new baseball bat!'
It was cathartic, man -- I was born again!

When the mall reopened, I was there with my cash,
I mean I ran outta places those presents to stash,
They were piled so high, you couldn't see the tree,
Yeah, that night in Toyland made a believer outta me!
Gotta go -- and pay my kids' bail . . .

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