Timmy and the Magpie [Musical Content Rating: Nil]
From the telling of Matthew Edwards
In a previous incarnation, Timmy had clearly been a gigolo. While he showed no interest in
female cats (he had been Taken to the Vet by a civic-minded previous owner); he was
extremely affectionate towards ladies of a certain age. On sunny days he would lie
on the pavement [=sidewalk] to the front of my house, and at the approach of a
sweet old lady he would roll over onto his back and purr loudly, exposing his tummy
to be tickled. His come-on was almost invariably successful, but occasionally he
made a mistake. When this occurred, and he realised his stomach was being tickled
by a male, he would swiftly sink his teet and claws into the poor man's hand.
When old ladies were thin on the ground Timmy used to watch a family of magpies
that patrolled the lawn at the front of my house. He would sometimes attempt to
stalk them, but the parent magpies usually scolded him so effectively that he
would pretend that he was really only chasing a leaf.
One day, however, I came home from work to find my house in a state of chaos:
books were strewn all over the floor, crockery had been smashed into little pieces,
and there were traces of blood around. I was about to phone the police to report a
burglary when I heard a strange, harsh noise. There was a young magpie cowering
below a dresser, while Timmy, in the opposite corner, was glaring at the bird.
Clearly Timmy had somehow dragged the young bird in through the cat flap,
and the two of them had fought great battles all over my house. I managed to
catch the magpie in my laundry basket and I released it outside, much to Timmy's
disdain.
After this experience Timmy never troubled the magpie family again, but stuck
to his elderly ladies.
There once were two cats of Kilkenny,
Who each thought that was one cat too many,
they fought and they fit,
They scratched and they bit
Till instead of two cats rhere weren't any.
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