SONG CHALLENGE WINNER!

The Song Challenge:   But I Want To Get To Know You . . . (Hove, East Sussex, England)  A lapdancing club has applied to the local council for a variance to its licence to allow blind patrons to touch performers.   The Pussycats Club in Hove complained that the strict no touching clause in its current licence discriminates against the blind.  Kenneth McGrath, director of the club, took up the issue with Brighton and Hove council after two blind men visited Pussycats with a stag party of sighted friends.   They wanted to touch the girls, explaining that, if they could, it would give them a better idea of what the exotic dancers looked like.  The club's licence forbids any physical contact between dancers and guests except when customers feel the need to place banknotes in the dancer's garters.   Mr. McGrath said: "Both men said they very much enjoyed the dances and sensed highly the proximity of the dancers and, in particular, enjoyed the smell of their perfume.  Given their disability, they felt controlled touching ought to be permitted for registered blind persons only and with the dancer's consent (and) that touching should be voluntary and restricted to the breasts and only when the dancer is wearing a bra and not topless.  The dancer would retain full control, taking one hand of the blind customer and placing it on her breasts while dancing for an agreed time."   A council spokesman said:  "We would consider any application for a variance of the lapdancing licence once we receive it." 

The Smiling Blind Man by Bardford
(Tune:  Pinball Wizard)

Bardford's Comments:  My seeing eye cat was at the computer giggling, so I had to see what the fuss was about. Gee whiskers, I must say I am impressed with the quality and expedititity of the creativity here in these threads.  Being short on original ideas myself, I unabashedly plagiarized a song about a blind pinball player, who, coincidentally, might quite possibly have lived near, or heard of, Hove, if he was indeed an actual historical figure.  My deepest and sincerest apologies to Peter Townsend, whose work deserves better.

Ever since I was a young boy
I've watched strippers short and tall
From Soho down to Brighton
I must have seen them all
But I ain't seen nothin like it
In any burlesque hall
That Hove, East Sussex blind guy
Sure gets to have a ball

He sits down at the table
The dancers do the rest
They take his lucky hands
And hold them to their breasts
The sighted ones among us
Get no such treat at all
That Hove, East Sussex blind guy
Sure gets to have a ball

He's a smiling blind man
It's just a little much
We can only look
But he's allowed to touch

Why does he get to do that?
(I don't know)
What makes him so good?

An act of legislation
Signed in Hove Council Hall
Allows unsighted persons
To experience it all
Their retinal cells malfunction
So the fingers get the call
That Hove, East Sussex blind guy
Sure gets to have a ball

The dancer is not threatened
Nay, she's happily alive
When he puts a hundred in her garter
Thinking its a five

Now all of the fellows
Are having their eyes checked
The local ophthalmologists
Are professionally perplexed
Not a patient read the eyechart
With any success at all
Now all the men in Hove
Sure get to have a ball

So we're smiling blind men
It's just a little much
Looking is so dreary 
When you're allowed to touch

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