The Devil Plays Inside My Modem by Mbo


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The Song Challenge: Beelzebub Bytes! Forget about viruses and malicious hackers; the real threat these days is far more insidious. Your home computer may have the Devil in its data, say Reverend Jim Peasboro of Georgia. "... the Computer Age has ... opened yet another door through which Lucifer and his minions can enter and corrupt men's souls." Rev. Jim says he became aware of the problem from counseling churchgoers. "I learned that many members of my congregation became in touch with a dark force whenever they used their computers," ... "Decent, happily married family men were drawn irresistibly to pornographic Web sites and forced to witness unspeakable abominations." "Housewives who had never expressed an impure thought were entering Internet chat rooms and found themselves spewing foul, debasing language they would never use normally," he declared ... One woman ... confessed to me, 'I feel when I'm on the computer as if someone else or something else just takes over.'" The minister said he probed one such case, actually logging onto the parishioner's computer himself. To his horror, an artificial-intelligence program started spontaneously. "The program began talking directly to me, openly mocked me," he said. Then the device went haywire and started printing out what looked like gobbledygook. "I later had an expert in dead languages examine the text," the minister said. "It turned out to be a stream of obscenities written in a 2,800-year-old Mesopotamian dialect!" The minister estimates that one in ten computers in America now hosts some type of evil spirit. The Reverend advises anyone suspecting that their computer is possessed to consult a clergyman, or, if the computer is still under warranty, to take it in for servicing. " Technicians can replace the hard drive and reinstall the software, getting rid of the wicked spirit permanently," he says. However, there is some good news -- Only a PC built after 1985 has the storage capacity to house an evil spirit, the minister explained.

The Devil Plays Inside My Modem by Mbo
(Tune: The Devil Danced In Empty Pockets by Joe Diffie)

Well I was staring at my monitor screen, just the other day
"Command and Conquer" is by far my most favorite game to play
But suddenly I heard a sound which made my blood run cold
The devil started speaking, and havoc started wreaking, on my poor PC's soul

CHORUS:
Now the Devil plays inside my modem, and he has a hell of a time
He corrupts my files with his wiles, and won't let me go online
And as he raises cain on my daisy chain, all I can do is whine
Oh the Devil plays inside my modem, and he has a hell of a time!

Well I was down at the Mudcat Cafe, checking out the DT
As I strolled along, I found a song tailor made for me!
And as it printed off, I gave a cough, for I knew it weren't the norm
Cause it printed a whole ream of phrases quite obscene in Sumerian cuneiform!

Now the Devil plays inside my modem, and he has a hell of a time
He corrupts my files with his wiles, and won't let me go online
And as he raises cain on my daisy chain, all I can do is whine
Oh the Devil plays inside my modem, and he has a hell of a time!

Now they say the Net is God sent, you bet--the most useful thing since the nail
But I can't see the Maker, just that rotten soul-taker, now I can't even check my mail!