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The Song Challenge:   The Case of the Crazed Cookie Crusher -- (Yardley, Pennsylvania) For three years the managers in the three supermarkets kept finding shelves of crumbled cookies and smashed loaves of bread.  A cookie company finally installed a hidden camera turned on the cookie aisle at a Giant supermarket.  That led to the arrest and conviction of Samuel Feldman, 37, on charges of disorderly conduct and criminal mischief, and a fine of $1,000.  Both prosecutors and defense attorneys appeared in court with bags of sweet-smelling evidence. The prosecution with bruised buns and crushed cookies, and the defense with unmangled goodies used to demonstrate their client's squeezing technique.  Although Mr. Feldman claimed his innocence, saying 'I squeeze bread when I go to the store, but I don't get arrested for it," the judge said that the 18-hour videotape clearly showed Feldman "manipulating bread and cookies" and "acting suspiciously around the baked goods."  A local reporter commented that the videotape showed Mr. Feldman waiting until his wife's back was turned, and only then would he begin bashing the bread.  "He apparently loved to stick his thumbs in the middle of the fruit-filled cookies.  The impressions were so distinct, the police were able to use them to lift his fingerprints."   Judge Heckler has postponed the sentencing hearing to give Mr. Feldman, who now lives in Las Vegas, time to find "a mental health professional who is familiar with bread-related compulsive behavior."  Meanwhile, the bread and cookie distributors still want their dough, and are planning to sue Mr. Feldman in civil court to recover $8,000, the amount of baked goods they claim that he vandalized over the three year period.

Strange Things In The Bread Section by Bardford

There are strange things done in the bread section
By the men who shop for buns
The crumbs leave trails
That speak of lost sales
Clearly something must be done.
The market lights have seen queer sights
But the queerest they ever did see
Was the day Sam, spouse of Marge,
Was busted and charged
In The Takedown in Aisle Three.

Now Sam, you see, was from down in Yardley,
A quiet Pennsylvania town
How it got in his head to mess with the bread
Is a story that needs written down.
Like some baby boomers, he was just a consumer,
Attracted and smitten by labels
Though he'd often say in a pensive way
"I feel the need to crush a few bagels."

One Saturday as Marge made her way
Through the morning shopping throngs
Sam slipped away to the Twinkie display
Right next to the vanilla Ding-Dongs.
Heart beat a fast clip, beads of sweat on his lip
Over his hands he had no control
He could not resist, unclenching his fist
Sam digitally examined a roll.

The tension abated, urge temporarily sated,
But over time his compulsion grew stronger.
Sam's trips to the store became more and more
And at the bakery he'd linger longer.
He'd stand transfixed and amazed , eyes like donuts, o'er glazed,
And survey the assortment before him.
Cookies, loafs buns and cakes gave him trembles and shakes
And Sam lost all sense of decorum.

Not a baked good escaped being squeezed and reshaped
By Sam's prodding fingers and thumbs
If he had his will, he'd be feeling buns still,
But for the prints, and the trail of crumbs.
The baker had his suspicions, and closed circuit television
Helped to identify Sam as the guy
Who'd abused the baked items, more woe betide him,
The SWAT team was called by and by.

All the Giant clients agree the scene in aisle three
Was like nothing they'd ever witnessed
The cops were later praised for their tact,
Their compassion, and physical fitness.
After the arrest, Sam looked depressed
In the squad car for the first couple blocks
But his animosity towards the cops turned brotherly,
When he saw next to him, a dozen donuts, on the seat, in a box.

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