SONG CHALLENGE WINNER!

The Song Challenge:   Whoa, HOT PANTS! Good Lawd, That's Where It's At! -- Colorado Springs, Colorado, Jun 27, 2001 -- If you're thinking about going to the mall in that snappy aluminum-lined underwear in the back of your dresser drawer, think again.   Beginning Sunday, it will be illegal in Colorado to wear aluminum underwear.  OK, there's a caveat. You can wear aluminum briefs and lingerie as long as it's for personal amusement - but not if it is to help steal by foiling stores' anti-shoplifting devices.   The new law is no laughing matter ... really.  "This is serious business," said Sen. Stephanie Takis, one of the bill's sponsors.   "We have laws against using crowbars as theft devices, but if you were lining your underwear with aluminum foil, that was not a crime."  And by golly, said Takis, it should be.  She cited several Denver-area malls that have caught shoplifters with aluminum-lined shopping bags and even the so-called "iron pants" and could do nothing to stop it.   Steve Miller, an attorney who helped draft the bill:  "I don't know if it was the highlight of my career, but I got the assignment."  Miller said the bill went through several evolutions - "or devolutions depending on your viewpoint" - before it received Gov. Bill Owens' approval.  Essentially, it makes it a misdemeanor to make, wear or know others are wearing aluminum underwear if they intend to use it to fool stores' theft-protection devices.  Those devices electronically sense when merchandise leaving the store hasn't been handled by a cashier, and foil can interfere with that detection.   Miller said the new law also gives store employees civil and criminal immunity if they stop shoppers who crackle when they walk.


Stocky Round Tin Hide (Colorado) by SharonA
(Tune: "Rocky Mountain High")

SharonA's Comments:  There are some truly amazing, riotously funny songs in this thread!!  Sorry it took me so long to get around to writing anything (I hate it when life gets in the way of parody!).  In one of the recent SONG CHALLENGE! threads, MMario observed that I have a sick, twisted, demented mind . . . so it seems I now have a reputation to uphold!   With that in mind, I submit [this offering] for those of you with strong stomachs . . .

He was mourned by his mother; he was never heaven near,
Bummin', roamin' to Macy's and each other store.
He left honesty behind him, you might say he would scorn good men.
You might say he got things free through every door.

When he first wrapped foil around him, his mind was far away
On the load of stuff he'd steal ere long.
But the tin's all that he's hopin' will disguise the loot in there.
He keeps changin' pants 'cause tin foil can't stay strong.

But his Colorado Stocky Round Tin Hide
I've seen it strainin' far from inside
The crinkling at his waistline is louder than I can abide
Stocky Round Tin Hide (Colorado)
Stocky Round Tin Hide (Colorado)

He climbed the escalator, the mall's silv'ry stores below.
He saw merchandise as far as he could see.
And they say that he got greedy once: tried to steal a microwave
And it zapped his ass at full capacity

Then he walked into the lavatory to give vent to his screams
Seeking ways to put out all the flame.
His flight into the toilet electrocuted the poor man
Whose stupidity was what clearly brought him fame.

But his Colorado Stocky Round Tin Hide
I've seen it strainin' far from inside
Talked to guards who listened to it sizzle as it fried
Stocky Round Tin Hide (Colorado)
Stocky Round Tin Hide (Colorado)

Now his life is done and over, but our ears still know and hear
Of the simpleton who could not comprehend,
When he tried to stick a microwave down inside his tin-foil drawers,
That he should unplug the other end.

But his Colorado Stocky Round Tin Hide
I've seen it strainin' far from inside
I know he'd be alive today if he stole a microwaving guide
Stocky Round Tin Hide (Colorado)
Stocky Round Tin Hide (Colorado)

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