Song of the Security Guard by MMario


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The Song Challenge: Whoa, HOT PANTS! Good Lawd, That's Where It's At! -- Colorado Springs, Colorado, Jun 27, 2001 -- If you're thinking about going to the mall in that snappy aluminum-lined underwear in the back of your dresser drawer, think again. Beginning Sunday, it will be illegal in Colorado to wear aluminum underwear. OK, there's a caveat. You can wear aluminum briefs and lingerie as long as it's for personal amusement - but not if it is to help steal by foiling stores' anti-shoplifting devices. The new law is no laughing matter ... really. "This is serious business," said Sen. Stephanie Takis, one of the bill's sponsors. "We have laws against using crowbars as theft devices, but if you were lining your underwear with aluminum foil, that was not a crime." And by golly, said Takis, it should be. She cited several Denver-area malls that have caught shoplifters with aluminum-lined shopping bags and even the so-called "iron pants" and could do nothing to stop it. Steve Miller, an attorney who helped draft the bill: "I don't know if it was the highlight of my career, but I got the assignment." Miller said the bill went through several evolutions - "or devolutions depending on your viewpoint" - before it received Gov. Bill Owens' approval. Essentially, it makes it a misdemeanor to make, wear or know others are wearing aluminum underwear if they intend to use it to fool stores' theft-protection devices. Those devices electronically sense when merchandise leaving the store hasn't been handled by a cashier, and foil can interfere with that detection. Miller said the new law also gives store employees civil and criminal immunity if they stop shoppers who crackle when they walk.

Song of the Security Guard by MMario
(Tune: Shine on Harvest Moon)

Move on, Move on silver'd moon, keep walkin' by
I ain't had no theft here since January February June or July
No time is stole time, so stay oudoors, you goon
Move on, move on silver'd moon, - or cite you shall I!

The store is mighty dark, but still I surely see
Silver foil on your cheeks
Where good cotton cloth should be
If it's fun you seek
Lifting merchandise for which you didn't pay
Go find another place, foilbutt,
in which to make your play

Move on, Move on silver'd moon, keep walkin' by
I ain't had no theft here since January February June or July
No time is stole time, so stay oudoors, you goon
Move on, move on silver'd moon, - or cite you shall I!