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SONG CHALLENGE!S FROM THE PAST
Part 26 through 50
Back to Song Challenges From The Past
SONG CHALLENGE! Part 26
(01–May–00)
Not one to let you Challenge!rs rest on your laurels (or cow chips, as the case may be), here's a great two–fer–one Challenge! from myself and the doesterr.
You have a choice here –– you can write a song about either of these topics, OR, you can write a song that includes both topics, thus qualifying for the Two–Fer–One Award!
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(This one is from doesterr)
Do You Know The Way To San Jose? This could only happen in California....(true story) –– Car Jacking Foiled: An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found four unknown males in her car.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice that she "knows how to use it and that she will if required... so get out of the car!"
The four men didn't wait around for a second invitation, but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the drivers seat.
Small problem: her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was an identical model and was parked four or five spaces further down.
She reloaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where 4 pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly white woman...no charges were filed.
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And here's mine:
Car 54 – Where Are You? Pensioners cause mayhem in police car – Police are investigating how two 76–year–old women got hold of a squad car and drove it with sirens blaring and lights flashing – before crashing it.
The little old ladies were "Citizens on Patrol" volunteers who drive around Beloit, Wisconsin, looking out for suspicious behaviour – but they are NOT supposed to drive squad cars.
They were asked to go to the scene of an accident to help control traffic but ended up in the police squad car instead of one of the unmarked police cars they normally use, according to the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel.
Shirley Nelson and neighbour Jeune Nelson kept the radio on during the incident and were heard asking each other for directions.
Their adventure ended when they went through a red light and hit an oncoming car.
Neither woman was hurt but Shirley received a ticket for failing to drive safely.
The Citizens Patrol programme has been suspended pending an inquiry. "I want to know who sent two little old ladies out in a squad car with a shotgun," says Rock County district attorney David O'Leary.
He is reviewing the case to see if criminal charges might be brought.
SONG CHALLENGE! Part 27
(11–May–00)
By popular demand, this Challenge! is from Roger the Skiffler, who posted this message on
this thread. It kind of gives a new meaning to the phrase
"Come on in, the water's fine!" –– Bourbon fire in Kentucky –– The fire consumed a
seven–storey warehouse A distillery blaze fuelled by thousands of gallons of whiskey has destroyed a warehouse and threatened water supplies in central Kentucky.
A spokesman for the Wild Turkey whiskey company said thousands of bourbon casks had been exploding like gunfire at the peak of the blaze in a seven–storey warehouse near the town of Lawrenceburg.
No one was seriously injured, although two firefighters were overcome by fumes and heat. An investigation has started into the cause of the fire.
Water contaminated –– The authorities shut down a local water treatment plant after a large amount of burning bourbon mixed with water from fire hoses flowed into the Kentucky River.
Lawrenceburg officials ordered unnecessary water usage in restaurants and car washes to be halted temporarily.
The burning alcohol also set fire to woods behind the water treatment plant.
The warehouse was one of 12 at the plant. Company officials said each facility contained 15,000–20,000 barrels filled with bourbon.
The distillery – the only one where the famous Wild Turkey brand is made – is still operating. The company spokesman said supplies of the bourbon would not be affected. He said the whiskey in the destroyed warehouse would not have been ready for drinking for another 10 years.
Wild Turkey is owned by the French spirits conglomerate Pernod–Ricard SA.
SONG CHALLENGE! Part 28
(11–Jun–00)
This Challenge! was sent in by Mudcatter Jeri a while back and should definitely be considered an "urban legend" (as in, don't believe everything you read *BG*). It's a hoot, and I hope you all have a great time with it and we see some great songs –– Go For It,
Challenger!s!!!
TOKYO (AP) The recent craze for hydrogen beer is at the heart of a three way lawsuit between unemployed stockbroker Toshira Otoma, the Tike–Take karaoke bar and the Asaka Beer Corporation. Mr Otoma is suing the bar and the brewery for selling toxic substances and is claiming damages for grievous bodily harm leading to the loss of his job. The bar is countersuing for defamation and loss of customers.
The Asaka Beer corporation brews "Suiso" brand beer, where the carbon dioxide normally used to add fizz has been replaced by the more environmentally friendly hydrogen gas. A side effect of this has made the beer extremely popular at karaoke sing–along bars and discotheques.
Because hydrogen molecules are lighter than air, individuals whose lungs are filled with the nontoxic gas can speak with an uncharacteristically high voice, giving chic Tokyo urbanites the ability to sing soprano parts on karaoke sing–along machines after consuming a big gulp of Suiso beer. The flammable nature of hydrogen has also become another selling point, even though the beer company has not acknowledged that this was a deliberate marketing ploy.
It has inspired a new fashion of blowing flames from one's mouth using a cigarette as an ignition source. Many new karaoke videos feature singers shooting blue flames in slow motion, while flame contests take place in pubs everywhere.
"Mr Otoma drank fifteen bottles of hydrogen beer in order to maximise the size of the flames he could belch during the contest. He catapulted balls of fire across the room that Gojira would be proud of, but this was not enough to win him first prize since the judgement is made on the quality of the flames and that of the singing, and after fifteen bottles of lager he was badly out of tune," said Mr Takashi Nomura, Manager of the Tike–Take bar.
Mr. Otoma apparently took exception to the result and hurled blue fireballs at the judge, singeing the front of one
customer's hair, entirely removing her eyebrows and lashes. When the club's security staff showed up, he turned his
attentions to them, giving the head bouncer no choice but to tackle Mr Otoma, knocking his legs from under him.
Said the club's manager, "It was his own fault he had his mouth open for the next belch, his own fault he held a
lighted cigarette in front of it and it is own fault he swallowed that cigarette . . . The Tike–Take bar takes no
responsibility for the subsequent internal combustion, rupture of his stomach lining, nor the third degree burns to his
oesophagus, larynx and sinuses as the exploding gases forced their way out of his body. His consequential muteness
and loss of employment are his own fault." Mr. Otoma was unavailable for comment.
SONG CHALLENGE! Part 29
(20–Jun–00)
Here's the 'beastie bliss' as promised. This challenge idea was suggested by our own dear Bert. Go for it,
Challenge!rs!!! Vienna, May 9 – The illegal stowaway arrived in the Czech Republic with a nasty hangover and was apprehended by the authorities – but not without a fight. But instead of being sent back on the first ship out, he's become a star.
Meet Vaclav, the raccoon who survived for weeks on beer and dog food.
"He was one lucky raccoon," says Vladimir Thichor, head of the animal clinic in Pardubice. "If that consignment of beer had not been on board, he would not have lasted three days."
Vaclav – named by Czechs with a wink at their ex–dissident President Vaclav Havel, another great survivor – traveled in a container all the way from Canada to the East Bohemian town of Pardubice, deep in the provinces. He probably crept in for a free meal when the container was being loaded in Toronto. But when the door closed, he was trapped for more than three weeks.
Vaclav tore into the packs of dry dog–food, then looked for something to quench his thirst. Something told him to sink his sharp teeth into a six pack, and from that moment on, Vaclav was one happy puppy. So to speak.
As a result, when the container was opened, Vaclav did not want to come out: he had found beastie bliss. Two policemen specially trained in the capture of vicious animals were called in. Clad in protective suits and armed with gladiator nets, the team spent two hours trapping the rancorous raccoon, who fought them tooth and claw all the way to his allotted cage.
There, he sulked in a corner and slept it off, suffering the raccoon equivalent of cold turkey. Nor was he charmed when he was given a bath to wash the beer residue out of his matted coat.
Vaclav is now the darling of the Czech media. The Pardubice animal clinic's phone has been jammed with calls offering him a home. Director Thichor, however, was not moved by the outpouring of sentiment. "A raccoon is not a family pet," he said. "Vaclav will go to a zoo where everyone can come and see him – and where we will try to find him a mate."
Now if he could just get a television and a six pack ...
SONG CHALLENGE! Part 30
(27–Jun–00)
Lost your 'Olympic' spirit? Here's a little story that should help to inspire all of us to
'go for the gold' . . . Thirty contestants from around the globe recently gathered in London for the second annual round of the Official World Dung Spitting Championships. CNN's Amanda Kibel was there to witness the 'action':
"It might not be the most physically demanding sport in the world, but mentally, it's a real challenge. All you need, say competitors, is a good lung capacity, limber lips, a strong mind and stomach, and a prime pellet of animal dung. The aim of the game is simple: overcome the resistance to placing the dung in your mouth and then, spit it out.
The all–important dung selection is first, and the competition was fierce for pieces of the finest droppings, gathered on a game farm in Africa, yielded by the Kudu, a small deer–like animal. And clearly, not just any old dung will do. A worthy pellet must be firm, not crumbly, and preferably, not too fresh.
As the first training session unfolded, interest from some passersby was high, but controversy dogged this competition from the start. One woman passerby commented, "You're spitting! And there's a rule about spitting in this country.
There is, there's a bylaw about spitting." The games must go on. Competition day dawned, and competitors embarked on the vital warm–ups (gulping large portions of golden ale and dark stout). Mouths well lubricated, they spit their best, but in the end, it's a sudden–death playoff.
The Dungmeister, the reigning champion, the man who, in the past, has spat a mighty ten meters, faces off against an unknown, a rank outsider! A new champion is born, and he pays tribute to his technique: "I use the little pointed end (of the dung) towards the back. That seems to work."
But it takes more than just technique. Dung spitters say that what it's really all about is a simple case of mind over waste matter."
SONG CHALLENGE! Part 31
(01–Jul–00)
Port–a–Potty Peril –– Huntingdon Valley, Pennsylvania, June 15 – Police rescued a man who found himself stuck in the depths of a portable toilet at a recreational field Wednesday afternoon, after he lowered himself inside and couldn't get out. The man, not identified by police, told officers he was trying to retrieve his keys. He was trapped there for at least 45 awful minutes, he told police.
Children playing basketball heard the man calling for help and told their mother. She called township police. Officers arrived about 2:45 p.m. and found the unfortunate man, still shouting and in the toilet's lower chamber up to his hips.
He was naked from the waist down, having taken off his shoes and pants for his unpleasant task.
It took emergency response workers until 3:28 p.m. to extract him, police said, adding that they had to destroy a significant part of the facility in the process. Police could not estimate the cost of the damage.
One he was free, the man was taken to hospital for treatment of cuts and bruises – and to have the wedged–tight toilet seat removed from around his torso.
SONG CHALLENGE! Part 32
(04–Jul–00)
Well, this should be a "cleansing" experience after the last two
Challenge!s.
The Topless Mermaid: 'Most people just look and cheer' –– OSLO, Norway –
A bare–breasted blonde mermaid perched atop a rock is making tourists gape in
disbelief along a Norwegian fjord. "One man once jumped off a boat
and swam over to me," Line Oexnevad, 37 and mother of two children, said on
Tuesday of her unorthodox job as a professional siren. "Most people just
look and cheer." Oexnevad, naked except for a long blonde wig and a
costume fish–tail, said she has sat five times on a rock along the Lyse fjord in
West Norway in the past three summers, hired as a surprise attraction for
tourist boat trips and parties. "The last time it was a bit
cold," she said. "The mermaid in Copenhagen and me are the only
mermaids I know of," she said. The "Little Mermaid" in Copenhagen
is a statue inspired by a Hans Christian Andersen fairy tale. Oexnevad,
who also works at a hospital in nearby Stavanger, said she was no good at
singing –– in legend, sirens sang to lure sailors. "Maybe next time I'll
take along a cassette player," she said.
SONG CHALLENGE! Part 33
(11–Jul–00)
Who Left Uncle Harry In The Bushes? July 6, 2000 – Fort Worth, Texas: Maintenance worker John Truex was minding his own business as he walked the grounds of the Woodhill Apartments on Monday, when he spied an odd–looking wooden box under a bush. "He had no idea what it was," said the manager of the complex. "It looked like a little coffin."
Truex took the box to the apartment office to show the manager and other staff members what he found. Curious, the group opened the lid and discovered a sealed brass box inside. They couldn't open the brass box, and couldn't figure out what it was, so they called the police. Officer
W.T. Byrnes arrived at the scene and was just as stumped by the 1–foot–long by 4–inch–wide box, which seemed to be missing a display plate. "I wasn't real sure what it was," Byrnes said. "I called funeral homes in the area and they said, 'Yes, we package things like that,' and I said,
'Eeeeyew!'" "According to a couple of funeral homes," continued Officer Byrnes, "they take ashes, put them in a plastic bag with a label of who it is and then put them in a box that they seal up and then put in a display case." Byrnes turned the little box over to the Medical Examiner's Office; however, the staff members there declined to comment yesterday. The statement from spokeswoman Linda Anderson was, "As it stands right now, we don't have any information on it –– All we have is a box."
But the apartment manager has heard otherwise. "It's an urn of some sort," she said. "The medical examiner's office found out that it is a lady from Granbury, but they haven't contacted any relatives. But I'm sure when a person finds out that their relative was left here, we will be hearing from them . . . (but) you've got to wonder who would leave Uncle Harry under a bush . . .
."
SONG CHALLENGE! Part 34
(18–Jul–00)
Sometimes I Feel Like Felon, Sometimes I Don't (Hurricane, Utah) – Inmate Brian McCluskey, serving a one–year jail sentence for attempted possession of methaphetamine, believed he had found heaven at the Purgatory Correctional Facility. A bag of M&Ms he earned for helping with chores at the jail was thought to be the million–dollar winner of a national contest.
Deputy Julie Pugmire gave the candy to McCluskey as a reward for helping her pass out commissary items. When he opened the bag, the 27–year–old found candies that were sky blue, white, purple – colors he'd never seen before. Other inmates told him he might have won M&Ms' "Fix–Up the Mix–Up" contest, which they had seen advertised on television.
Sheriff Kirk Smith told The Associated Press that he was sure that the inmate had won the contest. "We're confident he has the bag advertised as the winning bag. It was put in property then given to his wife."
But Mars Inc., said that only one of the bags has a game piece that identifies the winner. The million others get a 16 ounce bag of candy.
The bag was being kept in a safe–deposit box until it was authenticated. The Mars company later said that McCluskey wasn't the Grand Prize Winner after all –– only one of a million First Prize winners –– who only get a free bag of M&M's, not the million dollars McCluskey thought he'd
won.
This Challenge! was suggested by sophocleese (thanks!). If you're getting those summertime doldrums (or wintertime doldrums, if you're one of our NZ/OZ friends), here's a frisky little Challenge! that ought to blow those doldrums right away (hehehehehe):
So A Man Walks Into A Bar With A Fox Under His Arm And... –– "This whole story has been blown out of all proportion," said a spokeswoman for the Over and Sons garage in Aspatria. "It's true that last week a man walked onto our forecourt in the Market Place with a fox under his arm, pushed the nozzle of the compressed air line into the animal's rectum, put 20p in the slot, and pumped it until it exploded. But what the newspaper reports didn't mention was that the animal was already dead." The spokeswoman explained that the garage had been under siege for several days following reports about the incident. A report appeared in the local paper, talking about 'this sickening and horrible act,' and next day the nasty phone calls started. Animal rights activists even threatened to make reprisal attacks on the garage, and more staff were called in. But what had really happened was that an amateur taxidermist had brought the dead fox in, and asked if he could pump some air between the fur and the skin, to loosen the pelt. After apparently 'overdoing' it a bit, he then ran away in embarrassment. The garage's spokeswoman continued, "It ought to be obvious to anyone that the animal couldn't have been alive. I mean, it's hard enough to even hold a live fox, let alone insert an air–line up its rectum. I should imagine." Police later confirmed that they had spoken to a man about the incident. "We are convinced that no criminal act has taken place, but we did warn him about the inadvisability of inflating animals in a public place."
SONG CHALLENGE! Part 36
(31–Jul–00)
Alrightey then! I've let you all rest for a couple of days now, so I'm expecting great things from my Challenge!rs –– This Challenge! was submitted by
Amergin: Reality Intrudes, Let's Hope It Doesn't Bite! –– NBC's top entertainment executives confessed this past June that they had misjudged the public interest in so–called reality shows and that NBC was now committed to finding a reality show of its own for next summer or sooner.
One such show the executives talked about extensively, though they said they did not yet have a deal, is called "Chains of Love," which consists of one young woman selecting 4 men she would like to date from a pool of about 100, and then being literally chained to those four men for several weeks, discarding them one at a time until she selects one winner. Garth Ancier, the president of NBC Entertainment, called it "a relationship show."
SONG CHALLENGE! Part 37
(08–Aug–00)
There Are
More Things In Heaven And Earth, Horatio . . . From creatures of the deep to
massive mountain monsters, legends of shy prehistoric forms of wildlife persist
throughout European culture and history. But now Norway has a rival to the famed
Loch Ness monster of Scotland –– "Selma," a fabled serpent which has
caught the attention of an international team of monster hunters. Reports of a
beast in the lake first surfaced around 1750, and most accounts agree it looks
like a serpent with the head of an elk or a horse. A giant trap for catching the
creature, reputed to be a cousin of 'Nessie', has been set up in a lake in south
Norway. The
18–foot (6m) long tube–shaped trap, comprising a metal frame with nylon netting,
is set to be lowered into Seljord lake in south Norway and will contain live
fish for bait to catch "Selma." Over the next two weeks, the team will
dangle the cage in the lake, near where sightings of the monster have been
reported. The latest attempt to catch Nessie's Norwegian cousin follows
other sightings in Scandinavian countries. Swedish monster spotters have been
kept busy in recent years with a rush of stories about a similar strain of
serpent. Five years ago, a new legend was born in Lake Van, Turkey. Authorities
recorded witness accounts of a monster–like dinosaur in the country's largest
lake. And across the Atlantic, Canada has its own version of the mystery, the
Ogopogo.
SONG CHALLENGE! Part 38
(19–Aug–00)
A Party for the Passing of Popular Popsicled Pachyderm Poop Picker –– A memorial was held last weekend in Springfield, Missouri, for a popular circus elephant groomer whose body was frozen when he died three months ago so his friends could attend the funeral.
The funeral was held under the big top and included circus music, food and even an elephant–drawn wagon carrying the casket. In the center ring, the main attraction was Albert "Shorty" Sharp, who stood 4 feet, 7 inches tall, when he wasn't on his tiptoes grooming pachyderms. Sharp, who spent 50 years in the circus, died May 12 of heart failure while traveling through Wisconsin with George Carden Circus International. After the funeral festivities, Sharp's body was taken to a cemetery on the wagon, drawn by the elephants he cared for.
"My circus was out on the road when Shorty passed away and only a few of his friends would have made the funeral," said ringmaster and owner George Carden. So he decided to freeze Sharp's body at a Springfield funeral home until all of his friends could come. "This is not so much a funeral as it is a celebration to say 'thank you' to Shorty for his dedication," Carden said Thursday. "Shorty was a little man with a great big heart." Like most circus employees, Carden said, Sharp was completely dedicated to his work. Sharp groomed elephants for circuses in Florida and Texas, and even tended to Bimbo, a water–skiing elephant who appeared in a 1950s TV series called "'Circus Boy.' "In the circus, there is no such thing as calling in sick or getting tired, the show must always go on," Carden said. "Shorty was always there. He had no family, so he lived and breathed the elephants."
SONG CHALLENGE! Part 39
(11–Sep–00)
This Challenge! is from the "One And Only Five Minutes Flat" Amos, and is guaranteed to bring a smile to the faces of all coffee lovers . . .
Coffee Bar Sparks Caffeine–Condom Rush: ROME (Reuters) – Italian espresso is supposed to give the drinker a
lift, but it seems to be making some decidedly frisky. A coffee bar in the Italian beach resort of Sperlonga has taken to handing out free condoms with every cup it sells. 'It's a bit of fun, but also to make sure people protect themselves, the owner of the bar, The Pirate, told the newspaper Corriere della Sera, adding that a lot more young people had started drinking his coffee. More than 150 people a day have been whisking the condoms into their back pockets or handbags, according to the owner, but Sunday is apparently the busiest day of all. 'Who knows what they get up to,' he
said.
SONG
CHALLENGE! Part 40 (28–Sep–00)
The Case of the Crazed Cookie Crusher –– (Yardley, Pennsylvania) For three years the managers in the three supermarkets kept finding shelves of crumbled cookies and smashed loaves of bread. A cookie company finally installed a hidden camera turned on the cookie aisle at a Giant supermarket. That led to the arrest and conviction of Samuel Feldman, 37, on charges of disorderly conduct and criminal mischief, and a fine of $1,000.
Both prosecutors and defense attorneys appeared in court with bags of sweet–smelling evidence. The prosecution with bruised buns and crushed cookies, and the defense with unmangled goodies used to demonstrate their client's squeezing technique. Although Mr. Feldman claimed his innocence, saying 'I squeeze bread when I go to the store, but I don't get arrested for it," the judge said that the 18–hour videotape clearly showed Feldman "manipulating bread and cookies" and "acting suspiciously around the baked goods." A local reporter commented that the videotape showed Mr. Feldman waiting until his wife's back was turned, and only then would he begin bashing the bread. "He apparently loved to stick his thumbs in the middle of the fruit–filled cookies. The impressions were so distinct, the police were able to use them to lift his fingerprints."
Judge Heckler has postponed the sentencing hearing to give Mr. Feldman, who now lives in Las Vegas, time to find "a mental health professional who is familiar with bread–related compulsive behavior." Meanwhile, the bread and cookie distributors still want their dough, and are planning to sue Mr. Feldman in civil court to recover $8,000, the amount of baked goods they claim that he vandalized over the three year
period.
SONG CHALLENGE! Part 41
(03–Oct–00)
But I Want To Get To Know You... (Hove, East Sussex, England) A lapdancing club has applied to the local council for a variance to its licence to allow blind patrons to touch performers.
The Pussycats Club in Hove complained that the strict no touching clause in its current licence discriminates against the blind. Kenneth McGrath, director of the club, took up the issue with Brighton and Hove council after two blind men visited Pussycats with a stag party of sighted friends.
They wanted to touch the girls, explaining that, if they could, it would give them a better idea of what the exotic dancers looked like. The club's licence forbids any physical contact between dancers and guests except when customers feel the need to place banknotes in the dancer's garters.
Mr. McGrath said: "Both men said they very much enjoyed the dances and sensed highly the proximity of the dancers and, in particular, enjoyed the smell of their perfume. Given their disability, they felt controlled touching ought to be permitted for registered blind persons only and with the dancer's consent (and) that touching should be voluntary and restricted to the breasts and only when the dancer is wearing a bra and not topless. The dancer would retain full control, taking one hand of the blind customer and placing it on her breasts while dancing for an agreed time."
A council spokesman said: "We would consider any application for a variance of the lapdancing licence once we receive
it."
SONG CHALLENGE! Part 42
(06–Oct–00)
You have a choice to (1) pick one of the stories for an entry song, OR (2) go for the big doggie biscuit and incorporate all the stories into your entry song.
What The Heck Is Going On Here? Chicken–Duck "Troops" Battle Locusts (Xinjiang, China) – Twice a day, over 700,000 trained chickens and ducks chow down on locusts at the foot of Tianshan Mountain in the Xinjiang Uygur Autonomous Region, northwest China. By nightfall, the chicken–duck troops can devour nearly 100 million locusts, making a welcome dent in one of the region's worst locust plagues in years. Locusts have affected 2.6 million hectares of farmland in the northwest China region. To fight back, the region has brought in some 100,000 ducks to join the locust–killing bio–troops made up of chickens, migrating starlings and microspores. The bio–troops have helped kill locusts on over 270,000 hectares of land and the region has decided to double its number of ducks and chickens for its fight against the locusts next year. Ma Yonggang, a herdsman on the northern side of Tianshan Mountain, is breeding 5,000 locust–killing brown ducks.
Battles On the Sanglochon Line (Var, France) – Marauding bands of "sanglochons" –– a cross between a wild boar
(sanglier) and domestic pig (cochon) –– have been wreaking havoc throughout the Alpes–Maritime region
Var, a picturesque county in south–east France. Marcel Laugier, a local wildlife officer, said: "They're everywhere. It's like a plague. They come into inhabited areas and root through bins and dig up lawns and drink out of swimming pools. They're extremely greedy. I get a constant stream of calls from people complaining about them." Sanglochons were first bred in Belgium and north–west France at the end of the last century. The breed gradually died out, but was resurrected in the 1980s when farmers again began rearing them. The experiment didn't prove successful, however, and, unable to find a market for their pigs, many farmers simply released them into the wild. Their fast breeding rate has meant that over the last 20 years their numbers have increased by 600 percent, and it is now estimated there are over 10,000 of them roaming the Var alone. "There's no doubt that if they get into the wild they can be a real problem," says Michel Van der Oost, a sanglochon breeder from Neufchateau in Belgium. "They can be very naughty and willful, and aggressive too sometimes. Mind you, they make wonderful sausages."
(From McGrath of Harlow) Don't Monkey With Us, Monsieur! (Paris, France) – With pitbulls, dobermans and rottweilers under fire from the French authorities, youth gangs in the depressed city suburbs have discovered an alternative way to intimidate their rivals – with attack monkeys. "They're ultra–fashionable," said Didier Lecourbe, a police officer from the depressed Paris suburb of Aubervilliers. "There are dozens of them. Kids take them out on leads, and even carry baby monkeys around in nappies. But these animals can be very dangerous indeed." Imported illegally through Spain from Gibraltar, Morocco or Algeria, the Barbary apes are known for their powerful limbs, sharp teeth and short tempers. Veterinary experts say they can be turned into frightening and effective weapons. "Removed from their natural habitat, they can become highly aggressive," says Marie–Claude Bomsel of the natural history museum, "They bite, and their favoured method of attack is to hurl themselves at people's heads." Police believe as many as 500 Barbary apes may have been smuggled into France in the past two years. "Now the authorities have cracked down on pitbulls and the rest, apes look like becoming the new weapon of choice," said Mr Lecourbe. "We've heard of monkey–fights being run in tower block basements."
Monkeys See, Monkeys Threw (Jarratt, Virginia) Three monkeys hurled bananas and crab apples at cars on Interstate 95, then fled into the woods, police said. Police believe the monkeys escaped while being taken to the state fair in Richmond or a circus in North Carolina. State Trooper Mike Scott was flagged down Sunday by a driver who had pulled over near Jarratt. "When I walked up to the car, it looked like a banana had been smeared on the side," Scott said. The woman told him a monkey had thrown the fruit about a mile back. "I started laughing," Scott said. But he drove to the scene of the attack and found a van and a station wagon on the side of the highway. "A man said, 'I know this sounds crazy, but a monkey threw an apple at our car,"' Scott said. Just then, something hit the van. "Lo and behold there were three brown monkeys in an oak tree throwing crab apples," Scott said. The primates jumped down, ran across the highway and escaped into more
trees.
SONG CHALLENGE! Part 44
(28–Oct–00)
When Pigs Fly OR Never Say Never Again (Philadelphia PA) In a
bizarre episode that rattled flight attendants and embarrassed airline
officials, a 300–pound pig was put in the first–class cabin of a US Airways
Boeing 757 and flown with 200 other passengers on a nonstop six–hour flight
across the country from Philadelphia to Seattle. All went well, for most of the
flight. Somehow, the pig's owners, described as two women, one in her 30s,
the other a senior citizen, convinced the airline that it was a
"therapeutic companion pet," like a guide dog for the blind.
"I guess it was supposed to be a Seeing Eye pig," a witness aboard the
flight said. "Frankly, I couldn't tell what kind of therapeutic service it
was providing. All I know is, it was ugly, and it pooped." A
chagrined airline spokesman provided few details. "We can confirm that the
pig traveled, and we can confirm that it will never happen again," US
Airways spokesman David Castelveter said. "Let me stress that. It will
never happen again." An internal report said the owners said they had
a doctor's note that required them to fly with the animal, and that they
described pig as weighing only 13 pounds, so based on this info, authorization
was given," the report said. Witnesses said the pig's owners exhibited no
obvious impairments. "I'd estimate 300 pounds," one source
aboard the flight said. "It took four people to wheel it in, past security
and to the gate. And they were struggling." Though flight attendants
objected, the pig was cleared for takeoff and seated on the floor, in the first
row of first class. It was so big, much of its bulk extended into the aisle,
according to the report. "It didn't smell; it was a clean pig,"
a witness on the flight said. "It slept almost the whole time."
Few passengers complained. It wasn't till the aircraft taxied into Seattle that
the pig wreaked havoc. Squealing loudly, it ran loose through the aircraft
and tried to enter the cockpit. It finally found refuge in the food galley,
where it refused to budge. Finally, the pig was lured from the galley with
food. Then, the owners –– struggling to control the pig –– dragged it out
of the aircraft and into the Jetway. That's where it left its mess.
"Another passenger on the flight advised pig owner that she picked up her
pig's feces and she was not happy about that," the report stated.
"Once the pig was off aircraft, another passenger had to push while the two
women pulled to get it in the elevator. "The whole time, the pig was
squealing so loudly everyone in the terminal heard it." Federal
Aviation Administration officials in Seattle said they were unfamiliar with the
incident, but said they would investigate.
SONG CHALLENGE! Part 45
(11–Nov–00)
This Challenge! idea comes from our wonderful MMario. For some strange
reason, this story kinda reminds me of the (seemingly neverending) presidential
election. ;–) So, buys your tickets and takes your chances, Challenge!rs . . .
We're going –– Freaky Frog Gigging . . . [Arkansas Democrat Gazette] –– Two local
men were seriously injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a
tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County
Deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock are
listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as
the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog–gigging trip. On an overcast
Sunday night, Poole's pick–up truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men
concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out.
As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber
bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering
wheel column. After inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate
properly and the two men proceeded toward the White River bridge. After
traveling about 20 miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet
apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle
swerved sharply right, exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will
require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle
and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when
Thurston shot his balls off or we might both be dead" stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but this
is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident
happened," said Deputy Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Poole's wife, asked how many frogs
the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck. (Way to go, Lavinia).
SONG CHALLENGE! Part 46
(13–Dec–00)
Here's a little story that Amos sent in for your 'songifying' enjoyment –– He
calls it: "If I Gave Myself To You . . ." COLOMBO
(Reuters) – A Sri Lankan man was seriously injured when he jumped naked into a
lions' den at the national zoo, apparently offering himself up as a feast for
the big cats, officials said Monday. "The man...had written a letter
before jumping into the enclosure saying he wanted to give 'alms' to the
lions," said Senarath Gunasena, director of the National Zoological Gardens
in the Colombo suburb of Dehiwala. The man survived but the three lions in
the den bit off parts of his arms, legs, chest and groin area. The incident
occurred Sunday when the zoo was full of visitors. The man was rescued by
zoo staff and onlookers who beat garbage cans to frighten the lions away and
took him to a nearby hospital where he was in intensive care. Sri Lanka's
majority Buddhist population believes that giving alms can earn merit for future
incarnations.
SONG CHALLENGE! Part 47
(23–Dec–00)
Giving Frosty The Cold Shoulder –– The snowman is sexist, out of
date and should make way for snow–women, an academic claimed yesterday. Dr.
Tricia Cusack, of Birmingham University, carried out a five–year study into the
"cultural meanings" of snowmen. She believes that they are
old–fashioned symbols of gender discrimination. She has called for snow–women to
appear on Christmas cards and wrapping paper. Writing in the cultural
history periodical New Formations, Dr. Cusack described snowmen as the
"rotund relics of Bacchanalia". They were gluttonous and indulgent,
and symbolised the grotesque with their portly appearance and carrot
noses. However, she added: "I don't want to ban snowmen or anything,
let's just be a bit more imaginative – why not have a snow–woman? We need to be
alert to which particular images have got currency. Why is it always male, and
why is it so popular at Christmas? At least the snowman has lost his pipe as
society is less geared towards promoting smoking."
SONG CHALLENGE! Part 48
(03–Jan–01)
Crocked Conventioneers Canvassing for Can Confront Comrades in Confusion
–– FRANKFURT (Reuters) – Two drunken Germans, apparently looking for a
toilet during a conference at Frankfurt airport, got on a plane by mistake and
flew to Moscow. The 20–year–old men were wandering round the airport when
they found themselves on the tarmac and boarded a shuttle bus, which drove to an
aircraft bound for the Russian capital. "They got in and sat in the
back of the airplane which then flew to Moscow," said Frankfurt State
Prosecutor Job Tilmann. "They weren't even at the airport to fly anywhere.
They were at a convention and had been walking around, evidently in a drunken
stupor," he told Reuters on Wednesday. On arrival in Moscow, they
noticed it was cold and realized they had no passports, let alone entry visas.
Russian police put them on a flight back to Frankfurt where they were met by
Federal Border Police who have charged them with joy–riding.
SONG CHALLENGE! Part 49
(22–Feb–01)
Comin' In On A Hoof And A Prayer
–– Early in 1997, the dazed crew of a Japanese Trawler was plucked out of the
Sea of Japan clinging to the wreckage of their sunken ship. Their rescue,
however, was followed by immediate imprisonment once authorities questioned the
sailors on their ship's loss. To a man they claimed that a cow, falling out of a
clear blue sky, had struck the trawler amidships, shattering its hull and
sinking the vessel within minutes. They remained in prison for several
weeks, until the Russian Air Force reluctantly informed Japanese authorities
that the crew of one of its cargo planes had apparently stolen a cow wandering
at the edge of a Siberian airfield, forced the cow into the plane's hold, and
hastily taken off for home. Unprepared for live cargo, the Russian crew
was ill–equipped to manage a now rampaging cow within its hold. To save the
aircraft and themselves, they shoved the animal out of the cargo hold as they
crossed the Sea of Japan at an altitude of 30,000 feet.