SONG CHALLENGE WINNER!

The Song Challenge:   Whoa, HOT PANTS! Good Lawd, That's Where It's At! -- Colorado Springs, Colorado, Jun 27, 2001 -- If you're thinking about going to the mall in that snappy aluminum-lined underwear in the back of your dresser drawer, think again.   Beginning Sunday, it will be illegal in Colorado to wear aluminum underwear.  OK, there's a caveat. You can wear aluminum briefs and lingerie as long as it's for personal amusement - but not if it is to help steal by foiling stores' anti-shoplifting devices.   The new law is no laughing matter ... really.  "This is serious business," said Sen. Stephanie Takis, one of the bill's sponsors.   "We have laws against using crowbars as theft devices, but if you were lining your underwear with aluminum foil, that was not a crime."  And by golly, said Takis, it should be.  She cited several Denver-area malls that have caught shoplifters with aluminum-lined shopping bags and even the so-called "iron pants" and could do nothing to stop it.   Steve Miller, an attorney who helped draft the bill:  "I don't know if it was the highlight of my career, but I got the assignment."  Miller said the bill went through several evolutions - "or devolutions depending on your viewpoint" - before it received Gov. Bill Owens' approval.  Essentially, it makes it a misdemeanor to make, wear or know others are wearing aluminum underwear if they intend to use it to fool stores' theft-protection devices.  Those devices electronically sense when merchandise leaving the store hasn't been handled by a cashier, and foil can interfere with that detection.   Miller said the new law also gives store employees civil and criminal immunity if they stop shoppers who crackle when they walk.


Shopliftin' Ladies by mousethief
(Tune: Rockin' Me Baby)

mousethief's Comments: Well, since the attorney who drafted the bill was Steve Miller, this should be set to at least one Steve Miller tune.

Well I've been working real hard to stop shoplifting at stores
But it just keeps gettin' tougher every day
But I gotta do my part to find goods in the cart
With anti-theft tags that have not been disabled

I design hi-tech receptors used as shopping inspectors
That start wailing when you smuggle stuff out
But now shoplifters dare to wear foil-lined underwear
And it's made me start to tear my hair out

Can't catch those shoplifting ladies
Can't catch those shoplifting ladies
Can't catch those shoplifting ladies
Can't catch those shoplifting, shoplifting, lifting,
Baby baby baby it's those shop-
Shoplifting ladies
It's those darn shop-
Shoplifting ladies
Ooooo, ooooo, yeah.

They're down in Phoenix Arizona, and they're up in Tacoma,
Philadelphia, Atlanta, L.A.
Wearing silver panties that my beams can't see through
So they can shoplift with impunitay

But now a law's been put through up in Coloradoo
That makes wearing metal panties a crime
If there's a crinkle or rustle in your skivvies or bustle
You'll be in the jailhouse doin' hard time

If you're a shoplifting lady
If you're a shoplifting lady
If you're a shoplifting lady
If you're a shoplifting, shoplifting, lifting,
Baby baby baby you're a shop-
Shoplifting lady
If you're a shoplift-
Shoplifting lady
Ooooo, ooooo, yeah.

Copyright © 2001 Alex Riggle. All Rights Reserved.

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