Shitty Boy Jake by derrymacash


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Punter Shop Pilferer Put In Pokey By Poo On Shoe -- SYDNEY (Reuters) - A glob of dog excrement on a Queensland robber's shoe has been used as evidence to identify him, landing him with a 10-year stretch for a betting shop hold-up on Australia's Gold Coast. Police said Thursday they had used enhanced photos from a security camera to match the pattern of excrement found at the crime scene to that on 26-year-old Jacob Smith's shoe. "It's not rocket science. It's as plain as poo on your shoe," police sergeant Alan Piper, a veteran scientific officer, was quoted by local media as saying. "It could have been one of a thousand or ten thousand shoes, but because that poo was there it was creating a great big feature that allowed us to go to a positive identification." "I'd say there has been some more poo on the shoe but it has worn away," said Piper, who admitted to also doing a smell test. Smith, who had wrapped a sheet around his face to hide his identity during the heist, was jailed in June for 10 years and 10 months on charges of robbery, being armed and in company and unlawful use of a motor vehicle.

Shitty Boy Jake by derrymacash
(after Pretty Boy Floyd)

Come gather round me people and a story I will tell
Of Ozzie Jake the outlaw, Australia knew him well
His mischief and his thieving caused many to despair
They upped and upped the bounty, but Jacob didn't care

He'd slip in through your window when you were in your dreams
Wake up in the morning and find that you'd been cleaned
No fingerprints to trace him, he struck where'er he chose
Few were the friends of Jacob and many were his foes

It was way out in the outback, he left a fatal clue
The imprint of a sneaker in a heap of dingo poo
They called the state forensic team, who probed and poked and smelt
And soon the heat was on him and poor Jacob's collar felt

The judge he found him guilty and passed sentence with a smile
He said "Jake, your theiving days are done, you'll serve a lengthy while"
And Jake has time to ruminate on how he'd steal and loot
If it wasn't for the dingo, whose shite was on his boot

If it wasn't for that dingo who laid a cunning trap
By its thought to lay in Jacob's way a little pile of crap
And Jake has time to rue his crimes while serving out his bird
He'd still be free for villainy, if it weren't for dingo turds