SONG CHALLENGE WINNER!

Thay That Again, You Thwollen Thongue Thevil -- A jury in Tavares, Florida, convicted Leal Fleming, 45, of drunk driving in November, despite his insistence that the reason he slurred his words to a police officer, and couldn't breathe into a breathalyzer, was that he had just been bitten on the tongue by a rat snake and was on his way to a hospital to get treatment for the swelling. Said Fleming after the trial, "After the verdict came in, I had some second thoughts (about not taking an offered plea bargain), but I still think there was a point to our defense."


Serpent Love by mousethief
(Tune:  Intro: the intro to Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer, sort of.  Body of song: Charles Gitaeau)

From Adam and Eve to fife-players in turbans
The world's been entranced by those magical serpents
And I, for my part, have succumbed to the spell
And now I'm in jail for I knew one too well
Just listen to me and my story I'll tell . . .

My name is Leal Fleming, I'm 45 years old
But since I was a laddie, human ladies left me cold
I couldn't find much interest in Jane or Jill or Mabel
But I found "love," unlikely though it seems, where I was able

The scaly skin of salamanders gave me such a thrill
The glimmer of a skink would turn me on and always will
But ever more than lizards to my bosom I would take
Is the love of nature's long and lovely lover-pet, the snake

Yes now with a lean and lanky lady as my mate
I'll leave the lizard world and with a snake cohabitate
But late one night while we were busy kissing on the couch
She grew annoyed and bit my tongue while hers was in my mouth

It instantly grew numb, and I knew that I must flee
To hospital where they could give the antidote to me
I stumbled off into my car with eyesight blurred and swimming
And drove off down the road, which was dark and quickly dimming

The venom creeping to my brain, I feared I'd soon be dead
When the sound of police sirens started screaming in my head
I thought I was delirious till I looked in my mir-ror
And saw red and blue lights flash, so to the shoulder I did steer 'er.

The officer accosted me and said I was a lush
I couldn't hardly think; my brains were turning into mush
My speech was slurred and halting, just like a drunken stammer
So he threw me in the car and hustled me off to the slammer

Now that I'm still alive today I can't imagine why
For I never got the antidote, and should've ought to die
But when they sent me home on bail I took that no-good snake
And drowned her ass (such as it is) the next day in the lake

And since then I've been thinkin' maybe ladies ain't too bad
I may have made a bad mistake back when I was a lad
I've dated sev'ral ladies since that time and I have found
That they are warm and comforting and nice to have around

So listen, young men, to my song, and learn from my sad fate
And never take it in your mind to make love to a snake
Though they be slim and slender, and nice to touch and hold
They'll bite you in the g******ed tongue, and you'll drive like you're drunk, get pulled over,
   talk in a slurred voice and fail to take the breathalyser test,
   and be arrested and driven off to jail and convicted of drunk driving,
   like me, before you're 46 years old.
Trust me on this.

Copyright 2001 Alex Riggle. All Rights Reserved.

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