The Sadistic Coach Mark Davies by Sonja


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Casuarina Club Coach Spells Speed With A 'C' -- (Darwin, Australia 30/6/01) An Australian coach is using a crocodile in the pool to encourage his swimmers to improve their speeds. Mark Davies, from Casuarina Crocs Swimming Club in Darwin, says the technique improves his squad's performance. Local swimming authorities say he'll have to use a private pool if he wants to continue using the crocodile while the Australian Institute of Sport has condemned the technique. Mr Davies is unrepentant. He told Australian newspaper The Telegraph: "The thought of something chasing them down the pool certainly improves the speeds of my swimmers." Before the 1.8-metre saltwater crocodile is lowered into the water, its jaw is bound with tape and its claws are clipped.

The Sadistic Coach Mark Davies by Sonja
(Tune: Unfortunate Miss Bailey)

A swim team coach in Casuarina
Thought his crew were 'loafies.'
He hatched a plan to speed them in
Pursuit of bigger trophies.
"Methinks Olympic Gold could bring me
Thousands -- even millions!
But how? Aha! the cleverest
Solution is reptilian."

Refrain:
Oh, Mark Davies,
Sadistic coach, Mark Davies!

One afternoon the swimming team
Was dawdling in the water,
When unbeknownst to them Coach Davies
Dumped a croc in after--
With duct tape on his muzzle
And a 'manicure' for caution,
Since killing Aussie jocks just might
be grounds for legal action!

Oh, Mark Davies,
Sadistic coach, Mark Davies!

The Casuarina Swimming Crocs
Had long sought for a mascot,
And thought perhaps this croc would do--
Till Nathan got his ass caught
By one blow of the creature's tail,
Which hurled him to the platform,
Where he landed backside first--
A lousy 6-point 'prat form.'

Oh, Mark Davies,
Sadistic coach, Mark Davies!

One naiad of the modern ilk
Was cruisin' with her breaststroke,
When from the rear she saw the beast
And thought it was a bad joke.
"Now, cut it out, you clown!" she cried!
The croc, who'd got the tape off,
Said, "Ma'am, delighted to oblige,
But first I'll pull that drape off."

Oh, Mark Davies,
Sadistic coach, Mark Davies!

The racing team by now was breaking
long-held records hourly,
But local Darwin Public Health
officials scolded sourly:
"Whilst we applaud the aim of your
shenanigans acquatic,
We must denounce your methods as
A bit melodramatic!"

Oh, Mark Davies,
Sadistic coach, Mark Davies!