SONG CHALLENGE WINNER!

No Room On The Xerox For Virgin Berths -- Bosses at Sir Richard Branson's Virgin Mobile scuppered plans to have photocopiers at their Christmas party so staff could scan their bottoms.  The idea was to recreate a television advertisement for the firm featuring former All Saints star Melanie Blatt, in which she does the same.  But the stunt was dropped after the company's legal advisers stepped in and ruled it unsafe.  More than 1,000 Virgin Mobile employees attended the firm's Christmas party on Tuesday at a nightclub in the Wiltshire town of Trowbridge.  It featured performances from the pop group Liberty and DJ Boy George.  A spokeswoman for the firm said she had heard about the idea to install reinforced photocopiers in the club as a gag after the success of the advertisement.  She said she understood it had come from someone else in their communications department, but was rejected by legal experts.  "Somebody had been talking about it early on, but it wouldn't have been allowed for legal reasons," the spokeswoman said. "It's unfortunate because it would be a good laugh."  And it appears that the ban-the-bums barristers might have an ally in the form of Officials at the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents, who say workers risk cutting themselves on broken copier glass.  They say the Virgin mobile phone ad of Melanie Blatt photocopying her backside is "daft and irresponsible".  Spokesman Roger Vincent is warning office workers not to be tempted to make photocopied backsides "this year's festive trend".  He told The Sun: "Inhibitions are loosened after a few drinks and people show off. We don't want copying backsides to become this year's festive trend.  "Someone could find themselves in a hospital casualty ward this Christmas instead of at home with their families.  "Sitting on a photocopier is very dangerous. We don't want to be killjoys but advise people to stick to good old-fashioned mistletoe."


Richard Branson (Kept His Pants On) by derrymacash

derrymacash's Comments:  For my second submissoon, I have parodied quite an obscure song. On Stump's 1988 album, "A Fierce Pancake" (any album with a Flann O'Brien/Myles Na Gopaleen reference in its title gets house-room in my collection), is the glorious, raucous "Charlton Heston (Put His Vest On)".

To celebrate our year of labour
Every worker and his neighbour
Received a gilt-edged invitation
To come and have a few libations
Champagne, sherry, vodkatinis
Wine and gin and beer

Paper hats and party poppers
On the stage, the new chart-toppers
But lads and lassies keep it tasteful
Keep it clean and keep it chasteful
Pass The Parcel, Spin The Bottle
But please don't Shoot The Moon

Richard Branson kept his pants on

Please don't photograph your botty
That would drive poor Richard potty
Safety first he's always urgin'
The hairy-featured boss of Virgin
Safety first and mind your manners
We've standards to maintain

Beware the photocopy's flash
It might turn your arse to ash
It can sizzle it can singe
It might barbecue your minge
So let's respect our office systems
And not give them abuse

Richard Branson kept his pants on

Do not copy do not fax
That which lies within your kecks
Frankly it's of no interest
To see with what you have been blessed
Your arse may be big and hairy
You may have a gorgeous Mary
Your manhood may be like a club
Or may be like a pencil stub
But if the urge within you rises
To photograph your bumses, thighses
Please resist the lewd temptation
Or be prepared for castigation
The safety man is standing by
On our machines he'll keep an eye
If used in ways that are not intended
He shall see that you're suspended
Or maybe fire you, there and then
Can't say for certain it depends
Either way, you must measure
If the risk is worth the pleasure
But it's a risk I'll not be chancin'
Richard Branson kept his pants on

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