SONG CHALLENGE WINNER!

The Song Challenge:   Beelzebub Bytes!   Forget about viruses and malicious hackers; the real threat these days is far more insidious. Your home computer may have the Devil in its data, say Reverend Jim Peasboro of Georgia. "... the Computer Age has ... opened yet another door through which Lucifer and his minions can enter and corrupt men's souls."   Rev. Jim says he became aware of the problem from counseling churchgoers. "I learned that many members of my congregation became in touch with a dark force whenever they used their computers," ... "Decent, happily married family men were drawn irresistibly to pornographic Web sites and forced to witness unspeakable abominations."  "Housewives who had never expressed an impure thought were entering Internet chat rooms and found themselves spewing foul, debasing language they would never use normally," he declared ... One woman ... confessed to me, 'I feel when I'm on the computer as if someone else or something else just takes over.'"   The minister said he probed one such case, actually logging onto the parishioner's computer himself. To his horror, an artificial-intelligence program started spontaneously. "The program began talking directly to me, openly mocked me," he said. Then the device went haywire and started printing out what looked like gobbledygook.   "I later had an expert in dead languages examine the text," the minister said. "It turned out to be a stream of obscenities written in a 2,800-year-old Mesopotamian dialect!" The minister estimates that one in ten computers in America now hosts some type of evil spirit. The Reverend advises anyone suspecting that their computer is possessed to consult a clergyman, or, if the computer is still under warranty, to take it in for servicing. "   Technicians can replace the hard drive and reinstall the software, getting rid of the wicked spirit permanently," he says.   However, there is some good news -- Only a PC built after 1985 has the storage capacity to house an evil spirit, the minister explained.


The Reverend Jim And The Data Devil by Lin in Kansas
(There's no tune to this one, but "Trouble in River City" might work???)

Now listen Brothers and Sisters, listen hard to what I say—
Lucifer's secret ain't so secret any more!
He's got a real head o' steam up, and he's headin' out your way—
Comin' in by Windows and the door!

If you wanna save your souls from Hell you gotta pay attention—
The Prince of Darkness can be awful sneaky!
He has tempted you poor sinners in lots of ways I hate to mention—
And now he's made your hard drives leaky!

CHORUS:
With his hand upon his Bible and his thoughts up in the stars
Reverend Jim fights the good fight every day!
His heart's in the right place, and his head is up his arse
Down in southern Georgia, so they say!

There's a dark and horrid force a-risin', you gotta guard against it well—
Foul corruption and debasement they abound!
Mrs. Johnson's talkin' dirty, Mr. Roberts thinks it's swell—
To stare at nekkid pictures he has found!

Sister Maggie Mae, she tells me, "Rev, this is really horrid—
Suddenly my family's Demon Spawn!
My hubby's scouting porn sites, and droolin' on the keyboard—
And the dog's out screwing cats on the lawn!"

CHORUS:

This here's not a force to fool with, it's evil and it's vicious—
In your computer it will find a place!
It skulks in through the ether; it's vile and it's pernicious—
It takes over all your PC's storage space!

It's a Mesopotamian demon, so a language teacher told me—
Press the switch and listen to it curse!
It talks in tongues and gibberish in a dialect of old—gee—
We know the only ones can do that are in church!

CHORUS:

You got to wrestle, Brothers and Sisters, be fast and hard and mean—
Replace your PC's guts within the hour!
Rip out its filthy innards, and wipe your hard drive clean—
Check for 666 on the tower!

And once you've done all that, then just give me a call—
And I'll bring over salt and a cross!
Then we'll hit our knees a-prayin' and storm the gates of Heaven—
And show that evil spirit who's the boss!

CHORUS:

Back to Top