SONG CHALLENGE!S From The Past


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(If you've missed a Challenge! thread, or just want to see what this is all about, check out the past Challenge!s. Even if it's an old Challenge!, you can still submit a song about it!)

I saw a funny story in the newspaper this morning that I thought would make a great subject for a song. Then I figured why not make it a challenge for the 'Catters to write a song about this and see who wrote the funniest one? I'd like to make this a regular thread, so share your great ideas with us and let's see what we can come up with!

Here's the news story: The cops get a call from a woman telling them to arrest her husband, who's in a motel room with another woman. They tell her that although what he's doing is immoral, it's not illegal. Then she tells them that the husband has a warrant out for his arrest. They check it out, and sure enough, it's true. The cops go to the motel and knock on the door. The man goes out the back window and starts to shimmy down a galvanized pipe -- not bothering to put on his clothes! The officer at the bottom of pipe shouts for the fella to come down. The man looks at the officer and says, 'Who? Me?', and the officer says 'How many naked guys on pipes do you think I'm talking to?"

Since we had such wonderful success with the first Song Challenge, I'm issuing another one! That's right, boys and girls, get out your pens and pencils for another test of your ingenuity --

This challenge requires you to go to 'Caitrin's Cookie Recipe' thread -- click here -- and write a song describing these innebriating, sinful, hallucinogenic cookies and their effect on the consumer/imbiber! Go on, take one, they're free!!

Hello 'Catters! Yes, it's *another* challenge for the Mudcat Songbook!! All of you entomologically-minded folks will be especially interested in this one:

I heard a report on NPR today that scientists in the US have made a fantastic advance in the study of honey bees -- they've caught several of the little buggers and glued diodes and antennae on their back with double-sided poster tape. "They look like hors d'oeuvres with glass toothpicks in them," said one of the researchers. Then the researchers release the honey bees and *attempt* to follow them in vans equipped with radio receivers; communicating with each other via walkie-talkies, evoking such conversations as: "He's going north." "Now he's going west." "He's going south -- nope, make that north again."

Unfortunately, I was unable to hear the end of the story, or to what purpose this 'fantastic advance' has been made -- but I'll leave that up to your imagination. My dad was a beekeeper for years, and I can't help but imagine him laughing himself silly if he could hear this story, and making some comment about "the guys in white coats tailing the 'little sisters'."

OK, SONG CHALLENGE!RS, here's the newest challenge, just in time for your weekend. Put on your best "Terminator" accent and go for it!!! Let's write these happy folks (volks) a song they can sing on their anniversaries to come:

Gerhard Spitz and Martina Steindorf, both of Germany, were married in a Las Vegas casino recently in a "masked wedding." The pair were the winners of a radio contest in Germany where listeners matched the most compatible and most popular couple. The couple had only spoken once before the wedding, when the groom proposed to the bride on-air before they were flown to Las Vegas for their wedding. At the ceremony, the couple were masked until they were pronounced husband and wife. The groom then kissed the shaking bride, saying "It's fate that we are joined." The happy kids honeymooned in California, where the groom said "We're going to get acquainted."

This SONG CHALLENGE is really a proxy challenge/thread bleed from the Thought for the Day - Feb. 8 thread (click here to read it). You'll have to read it to understand what I'm talking about. Basically, it involves the film, The Wizard of Oz . . . It's a 3 part challenge: Write (or finish) the following songs:

1. Munchkins Hangin' In Dem Trees (a/k/a Strange little Fruit); or 2. The Storkin' Blues; or 3. Elementary Feminism (a/k/a Glenda The Good Witch Gets Guilded

Good luck and may the best Winged Monkey and/or Horse Of A Different Colour win!!

Well, I'm back again with another good one (or so me thinks). A rather special headline in today's paper caught my eye. It was situated over a story describing how, in these days of the 'Net, you no longer have to pull on your Justins, hitch up your Levis, place your Stetson on your head, or smell the sawdust and funk from the stockyard, to go to the cattle auction. That's right folks, you can bid on that bessie over the ethernet. The story described a "3-1/2 hour Web event, offering about 3,500 beef cattle to 36 competing bidders in seven states . . . confirm(ing) the next evolutionary cycle of livestock marketing." So, here's the headline for which you are challenged to write a song for: ONLINE BOVINE.

Since jeffp has already submitted a wonderful Valentine's Day song for the Mudcat Songbook today, I was stuck for a good challenge. Then, I took my youngest ones to the grocery store and had to again refuse to buy them a certain sugary cereal. But, and blame it on the Muzak brain-fry, I got an idea! Here 'tis -- write a song using the shapes from the Lucky Charms cereal: pink hearts, crescent moons, yellow stars, beautiful rainbows, red balloons, green clovers, and fluffy marshmellows. The topic of the song can be anything you want; however, I have one little request -- NO DANCING LEPRECHAUNS -- dancing, waltzing, tumbling, swimming fairies, elves, water sprites, trolls, etc. are fine, though. But, if you just can't resist using the little buggers, go ahead.

So, suspend your disbelief and common sense and have some fun with this one -- GO FOR IT SONG CHALLENGE!RS --

I'm back! This CHALLENGE! is based on an old Irish proverb: He who comes with a story to you will bring two away from you. Now, CHALLENGE!RS, go and have a good think on this one -- I'm expecting great things from all of you (as usual!).

Village Wonders Who Killed Chicken By Sue Leeman. Associated Press Writer // Wednesday, Feb. 16, 2000; 1:36 p.m. EST

FINCHINGFIELD, England –– Who sent Violet, a fowl insured for $1.5 million, to the great chicken coop in the sky? The residents of this picture-pretty village northeast of London have been wondering ever since the bird, a bumptious Rhode Island Red who strutted for years among the ducks by the village pond, was found dead one chilly day in December. Could it be the pub landlord, who disliked the way Violet fluttered around his customers? Or one of the village councilors, allegedly heard planning to wring Violet's neck after locals complained she was ruining the garden around the war memorial? Or perhaps the stranger seen driving erratically in a van? Suspicions of fowl play abound. Though Violet's owners had insured the 4-year-old bird's life for $1.5 million after the alleged death threat, no one has been accused of birdicide. Paula Flight, 35, who bought Violet and her sister, Ruby, as pets for her daughter, believes the chicken may have been done in by an enemy. Although Violet had "not a mark on her" when she was found dead outside her pen Dec. 3, Flight says "someone had to undo the catch and take her out." Fox Pub landlord Mike Paviour denies any wrongdoing, but readily admits he's pleased Violet will no longer perch on a shelf in his 17th-century inn. Violet, who had the run of the place during the years Flight and her husband managed the pub, used to, well, relieve herself everywhere, Paviour notes, "and our customers didn't like it. Also, it wasn't very hygienic." Members of Finchingfield Parish Council also protest their innocence. Chairman Edwin Collar concedes a councilor threatened to wring the bird's neck once, but insists "it was a facetious remark." "I'm sorry the chicken has passed away," he says. The problem began when somebody complained Violet was disturbing bark arranged around the plants under the stone cross memorial to wartime dead on Finchingfield's village green. The matter came up at the next parish council meeting, attended by Flight, who recalls, "One councilor shouted, 'I'll wring its bloody neck.' Then they discussed who would do the dastardly deed." "It didn't sound like a joke," she adds. Finchingfield resident Simon Burgess, who arranged to insure Violet's life through the London firm Grip, says the policy – with an annual premium of $1,680 – will pay out only if Flight can prove Violet was killed and eaten by councilors or, in a bizarre fillip added by the insurers, abducted by aliens. Flight submits that Violet, who features in a local artist's daubs of the village, did no harm and even attracted visitors to Finchingfield. The bird had to wander free because she became so stressed behind bars that her feathers fell out, her owner says. Ruby was run over and, not long ago, someone tried to kill Violet the same way, Flight says. She believes the driver of a van deliberately aimed his vehicle at Violet, who managed to scoot between the wheels. With its tall white windmill, Norman church and timbered town hall, Finchingfield receives busloads of tourists during much of the year. Now, it's making headlines because of the death of a chicken. Peter Curry, owner of the local antiques center, where Violet preened daily in front of a mirror, is tickled at the attention from journalists as far away as Israel, Brazil, Australia and Germany. "Someone from America asked me, 'What is it with you Brits and chickens?'" he recalls. "And I replied, 'You have drive-by shootings – we have rogue chickens.'"

This CHALLENGE! is being posted by popular demand (it would seem) and/or by thread creep from another thread. (For info and inspiration, check out this thread). The CHALLENGE! is to write a song about food -- your favorite food, your least favorite food, the things in your refrigerator, etc. Any food-based topic is fine. Suggested titles are:

My Bulgur Is A 'Bulgin';
A Smoothie In The Morning And I'm Fit For Love;
Why Waste Two Dollars On Cheap Rotel When A Plunger And A Privy Will Do Just As Well;
You're My Peanut, I'm Your Butter;
My Lettuce Done Growed Legs And Walked Outa My Life

From a recent National Public Radio show segment: Mr. Patrick Wright is serving time in the George F. Bailey Detention Facility in Otay Mesa, California for brandishing a knife at police and for illegal possession of ferrets. He went in February 8th and he gets out Friday February 25th, at 12:01am. In California, unlike most states in the U.S., keeping ferrets as pets is illegal. He picked up the knife when the police burst through his door during a raid to take possession of his four pet ferrets. "I like to believe I live in a free country . . . in California . . . it's like we're dealing with Stalin . . . it's completely un-American," says Mr. Wright. His fellow inmates in the county jail at first didn't believe he'd been arrested for ferret possession. However, after they'd seen his picture in the local newspaper, they began calling him 'Ferretman'. He told the court that he is sorry about the knife incident, but still defends his right to keep ferrets. The appeal of ferrets he says, '. . . they're like little clowns . . . they're Prozac with legs."

The Challenge is to write a song welcoming Mr. Wright home from the county jail and/or defending his right to keep ferrets! "Land of the brave, home of the free and the ferret!" Let's not go for the obvious low-humor or the easy laugh on this one -- 'Bawdy' is fine, but let's not sink to 'nasty', OK? Think 'subtle'!

Here it is, CHALLENGE!RS -- Your 'song subject' for The Great Easter Bonnet(?) Special Challenge, just in time for Mardi Gras and spring bonnet buying weather. No caveats, you're allowed a "free hand" with this one. Just remember that after Fat Tuesday, you have to behave . . . yeah, right. Joyeux Mardi Gras!

DATELINE: GRETNA, Louisiana -- The debate was serious. The vote unanimous. The Gretna City Council says it's now legal in Louisiana to throw women's underwear from Carnival floats. "So we're pro-panties -- it's on the record," joked one city councilman. However, it is still illegal to throw anything that is ". . . lewd or lascivious and includes, but is not limited to, condoms and inflatable paraphernalia." The panty-throwing issue was pushed by protesting parade organizers. "If panties are . . . vulgar, why are they exposed in every department store in the nation?" asked one of the captains of the Elks Krewe of Gretna. Another Mardi Gras group captain firmly agreed. "Panties have been a legitimate throw for Mardi Gras for years," he said.

Since we all had such fun being 'animals' about ladies underwear in Song Challenge! Part 11, I thought this would be appropos this time. The Challenge: The Norwegian Moose And His Road Rage

OSLO, Norway -- Raymond Johansen isn't sure what to say on his insurance claim after a moose walked across his car and kicked in its windshield this weekend. Johansen and his girlfriend, Kristen, were driving home when they stopped for a moose on the highway. They thought they'd avoided a potentially deadly collision with the moose, which weighted about 400 kilograms (880 pounds); but, no such luck. Johansen recalled shouting "this can't be" when the moose walked across the car's hood and one of its feet came crashing through the windshield. Neither the couple nor the moose was injured. He said the moose may have been enraged by the bright lights of the car.

OK, as promised, here's Barky's (very first) challenge idea. I'll be out of the house today at the North Texas Irish Festival (hope I run into Jed Marum f/k/a liam_devlin), so you guys behave yourselves! I'm looking forward to seeing what y'all come up with when I get home. Here we go, SONG CHALLENGE! No. Lucky 13:

Free Outfits For Nude Shoppers -- An Austrian clothing chain is offering shoppers $385 worth of free clothes if the customer enters the store completely naked. Streakers must make it as far as the checkout counter of any Kleider Bauer outlet, where they'll be greeted with a towel to cover up as well as a voucher to buy clothes for the trip home, the department store said in a statement last week. However, fearing an onslaught of shoppers from a nation not averse to baring all in public, only the first five strippers of the day at each of the 40 department stores will be rewarded. Naturally the store stands to win no matter what. One commentator noted that obviously more than 5 will show up to win, and those nudes will want to buy some clothes so they can leave with what little dignity they may have intact. No doubt, plenty of gawkers will show up to oggle the streakers, and they'll probably feel compelled to buy some clothes as well. And then of course, there's the owner who thought it all up who'll not only enjoy extra sales, but will get a free show as well.

Well, my goodness! After munchkins, ferrets, panties, and streakers, and considering the recent Carnival / Mardi Gras madness, I thought we could all use a good stiff drink (that is, unless you've given up the hooch for Lent!). So here's a little story of compassion and sharing that deserves a good song or two --

On Air Traffic Controller Excuses for Stealing Drinks: Peter Smith, an air traffic controller trainee, excuses himself to the judge after being charged with the theft of a glass of beer from a bar -- "I am definitely not guilty. Making my way home from the control tower, I saw a man standing in the street with a glass of beer in his hand. He told me that the glass was stuck to his hand and asked me to help him get free of it. When I had done so, he gave me the glass and its contents by way of a reward."

Here it is, my lovely CHALLENGE!RS, the No Dancing Leprechauns St. Patrick's Day Special Song Challenge:

Bob, Corned Beef and The Devil -- Dateline Boston, USA. Some Irish Catholics may have a beef with the church on St. Patrick's Day. This year, the holiday falls on a Friday in Lent, the period when Roman Catholics are encouraged to abstain from eating meat as an act of penance and a reminder of the sacrifices of Jesus. Many Catholic bishops, including Boston's and New York's, are giving dispensation to parishioners who want to partake of the traditional Irish-American meal of corned beef and cabbage. But some bishops are refusing to let their congregations off the hook, like Bishop Sean O'Malley of Fall River, Massachusetts, has not issued a dispensation. As a result, Catholics with a hankering for corned beef on March 17th may be heading to nearby Boston. But even without a dispensation, there is a possible out for those who don't want to ignore the rules but feel a craving for corned beef: They can travel to another diocese where the meal is deemed OK. "Corned beef and cabbage is a mainstay of our menu," says Jerry Burke, owner of Doyles Cafe, an Irish pub in Bostons' Jamica Plains neighborhood, "And people are going to do it anyway." Mr. Burke expects to sell thousands of pounds of corned beef and cabbage this Friday. Also included in the no-no parishes are those in Rockville Centre, New York and Brooklyn, New York.

OK Challenge!rs - If you don't like this one, don't blame me! This little jewel comes from the Infamous Amos -- Yes folks, the same man who penned the amazing Feminism One-Oh-One! Can't say he's unbalanced now (or can you??). Anyway, have fun with this one!

Dull Men of the World Unite -- LONDON (Reuters) - Now there's a Web site for the man who has everything except a life. Promising to free its readers from the pressures of trying to be "in and trendy," www.dullmen.com reviews dull books, tells dull jokes and lists dull events for every month of the year. "In March, we like to watch maple trees during sugaring time. Sap dripping just right to watch -- the right pace, the right suspense," suggests the site run by the U.S.-based National Council of Dull Men. Laid out in shades of grey, black and white, it also offers a test with questions like "Do you like to watch airport luggage carousels?" and "Do you like English food?" to help readers find their true selves.

Here we go again, CHALLENGE!RS -- From the dull, grey and boring to the . . . well, uh . . . NOT! This idea is Barky's, so talk to Daddy Amos if you've got a problem with it(!) {Notice - this has been edited in places because I was just too embarrassed to type it.}

Hey Mister -- Want A Little Extra Off The Sides? - Women in the Quebec city of Laval suspected their husbands and boyfriends were getting a bit more than a shave and a haircut at a local hair salon. Apparently, they were right. Police arrested eight people at Le Salon Sex Symbol, where stylists (disrobed), performed exotic dances and talked dirty as they clipped clients' hair, said police spokesman Guy Lajeunesse. The 2-month-old undercover investigation started after several women called police worried that the hairdressers were offering their husbands and boyfriends sexual services. Customers of the 5-year-old business received haircuts from scantily-clad women who 'for more money' (Ed. well, did 'very' naughty things). Though erotic hair salons are legal if no touching takes place, police believe patrons at Le Salon Sex Symbol could (do more than 'touch'). "We found some hair on the ground," Lajeunesse said. "One of the men got his hair cut. They have a few clients who just go for that. It's supposed to be the main attraction."

Now for the custard throwing seals -- or something just as good! This Challenge! idea comes from Amos (and we all know what a little devil he is...):

Beelzebub Bytes! -- Forget about viruses and malicious hackers; the real threat these days is far more insidious. Your home computer may have the Devil in its data, say Reverend Jim Peasboro of Georgia. "... the Computer Age has ... opened yet another door through which Lucifer and his minions can enter and corrupt men's souls."

Rev. Jim says he became aware of the problem from counseling churchgoers. "I learned that many members of my congregation became in touch with a dark force whenever they used their computers," ... "Decent, happily married family men were drawn irresistibly to pornographic Web sites and forced to witness unspeakable abominations." "Housewives who had never expressed an impure thought were entering Internet chat rooms and found themselves spewing foul, debasing language they would never use normally," he declared ... One woman ... confessed to me, 'I feel when I'm on the computer as if someone else or something else just takes over.'"

The minister said he probed one such case, actually logging onto the parishioner's computer himself. To his horror, an artificial-intelligence program started spontaneously. "The program began talking directly to me, openly mocked me," he said. Then the device went haywire and started printing out what looked like gobbledygook. "I later had an expert in dead languages examine the text," the minister said. "It turned out to be a stream of obscenities written in a 2,800-year-old Mesopotamian dialect!" The minister estimates that one in ten computers in America now hosts some type of evil spirit. The Reverend advises anyone suspecting that their computer is possessed to consult a clergyman, or, if the computer is still under warranty, to take it in for servicing. "Technicians can replace the hard drive and reinstall the software, getting rid of the wicked spirit permanently," he says.

However, there is some good news -- Only a PC built after 1985 has the storage capacity to house an evil spirit, the minister explained.

One More Time, Maestro! -- This Challenge! idea comes from Mbo. Grab the phone and the number for the local emergency room -- Here we go --

I Want My Twinkie And I Want It Now! -- Biddeford, Maine, March 23 - Last week, panic began to spread through the Northwest United States as workers dumped loaves of bread off a loading dock during a strike at the Interstate Bakeries Corp. Why the bother? This strike of truck drivers prevented the delivery of Wonder Bread and other products, such as Twinkies, across the Northwest US. Wonder Bread, as every good American child knows, is that wonderful, sweet, doughy white bread that one can either ingest or, with a little spit or milk, make funny molded shapes with. When hardened, it makes fantastic projectiles for peashooters. Generations of American children grew up eating this bread, before the advent of wheat bread into a more health-conscious market. But the real panic was due to the shortage of Twinkies - the one food product that has been guuaranteed by experts to survive a nuclear blast. An oblong, tan, mushy, cream-filled pastry so sweet that it has been known to rot teeth merely by being looked at, it is lusted after by all children and adults needing a quick sugar fix, and has been popular in the US for years, often imitated but never replaced in the soul of the country. To the relief of these Twinkie-deprived folks, the eight-day strike ended last Thursday. 'Right now, it sounds like everyone is going to get their Twinkies.' said Robert Piccone, president of Teamsters Local 340. Because of the strike, the company's Biddeford plant was shut down, putting 400 bakers out of work. On the picket line in Biddeford, where the drivers had put up a banner that said "Fort Twinkie" at their tarp-covered shelter, a cheer was raised when they heard the news that the strike was over.

In Challenge 18, Eluned said "The woods would be silent indeed if only the best birds sang." Bradypus suggested this quote as a Challenge! idea. So, what song can you Challenge!rs write with that quote as the premise?

This suggestion comes from our own Bert, and it's a hoot! Enjoy, and let's see some great submissions!

The Mother Of All Excuses -- A pub landlord has developed the perfect defence for the post-work tippler who needs an excuse for being late home - a phone booth which adds authentic sound effects to any drinker's excuse for being late home. Colin Benham, who runs the Travellers Joy in Rayleigh, Essex, first built a traditional-style red kiosk by hand. He then added a selection of digitally recorded background noises, from a busy railway station to a bustling office and a noisy traffic jam. Regulars now have the opportunity of ringing loved ones with a choice of excuses ranging from "the boss wants me to stay late at the office" to "you wouldn't believe the traffic I'm stuck in" . . . while Mr Benham pours the next round. Mr Benham, who has no immediate plans to develop his invention, said yesterday: "It's the perfect answer to avoid those 'your dinner's in the dog' situations. I've got a CD with everything from traffic jam noise to the sound of a supermarket. It started off as an April Fool's joke but it has taken off like you wouldn't believe." Drinkers simply request the bar staff to play a particular sound effect which is relayed through a speaker fixed inside the kiosk, and the rest is down to the caller's conscience. The landlady, Bernadette Williams, said there had been reports of the system being used for marginally more nefarious purposes, possibly involving bosses and secretaries. She said: "There has been some talk of that kind of thing but overall we think it's a nice invention, and it's not just used by men. We built it ourselves because, being close to the railway station, we heard one or two people mention they had to leave because their dinner was ready when they really could have done with another pint. "What happens is you get to unwind in the pub before you go home which puts you in a much better frame of mind, particularly if your partner thinks you've had an arduous time coming home. It makes for a much more harmonious evening." The assistant manager, Tim Burchill, added: "Basically it gives you the perfect excuse to stay for that last pint, or five." Of course, too many drinks and the person on the other end of the line could be wondering what a train is doing in a supermarket . . .

SONG CHALLENGE! Part 22 (13-Apr-00)

That's One Scrappy Rooster! -- For 18 months in the 1940s, it seemed as if Mike the headless chicken might be immortal. Now he's being immortalized in a 4-foot metal sculpture to be stuck in a planter on a downtown corner in his hometown of Fruita, Colorado. The 300-pound replica of Mike was made using ax heads and hay-rake teeth, along with sickle blades and other cutting objects. "I made him proud-looking and cocky," said the artist, Lyle Nichols, a Fruita native. The rooster belonged to Fruita farmer Lloyd Olsen, who planned to put Mike into the cooking pot and lopped off his head at the base of the skull to leave as much of the tasty neck as possible. But Mike just fluffed up his feathers -- although he could only go through the motions of pecking for food, and when he tried to crow, a gurgle came out. But he was still alive the next morning. Olsen started putting feed and water directly into Mike's gullet with an eyedropper. Mike lived for 18 months, making it into Life magazine and the Guinness Book of World Records, and was a popular attraction until he choked to death on a corn kernel in an Arizona motel while on tour. Fruita officials dug up his story last spring when they were looking for something besides pioneers to focus on for Colorado Heritage Week. That led to the first Mike the Headless Chicken Festival. In addition to food (fried chicken) and music, this year's festival is scheduled to feature "The Run Like A Chicken With Your Head Cut Off 5K."

SONG CHALLENGE! Part 23 (17-Apr-00)

Love And Spots!! Well, Challenge!rs -- Spring has sprung for most of us, and of course, at this time of year, every species experiences a little flutter of the heart and then, well, instinct takes over... Perhaps inspired by his own 'instincts', our own Hyperabid has suggested the Challenge! topic of "first crushes and the opposite sex moving from pain in the *rse to "Why has God blessed me with a sex drive and acne at the same time!??". An excellent and timely suggestion. So, there you go Challenge!rs -- Songs about 'your first love and/or crush'. Now I know we've all gone through this -- let's see what you can put to a tune!

SONG CHALLENGE! Part 24 (21-Apr-00)

The Great Easter Bunny Brawl. MADISON, Wisconsin (AP) -- When this shopping mall Easter Bunny got hopping mad, she punched out her helper bunny. The scuffle at West Towne Mall began after the girl in the bunny suit removed the head part of her costume and set it down, a police department spokesman said Tuesday. "Her assistant pushed her and she fell over her head," the officer said. "The Easter Bunny then got up and punched (the other bunny) a couple of times." He also stated that it wasn't clear what the two were arguing about. The Easter Bunny and her assistant were arrested after the fracas Monday, but only the helper bunny was booked on charges and released. Since the Easter Bunny is a juvenile, she was released to her parents. However, the company that sent the "battling bunny" to the mall has fired the teen-ager and sent over a replacement.

SONG CHALLENGE! Part 25 (25-Apr-00)

Mummy, Where Did The Funny Little Man In The Garden Go? PARIS -- The dormant Garden Gnome Liberation Front has sprung back to life, stealing about 20 gnomes during a nighttime raid on a Paris exhibition. "We demand ... that garden gnomes are no longer ridiculed and that they be released into their natural habitat," the Front's Paris wing said in a statement following its weekend strike. France's first garden gnome exhibition in the exclusive Bagatelle park on the outskirts of the capital opened last month and has been a hit with the public as chic Parisians develop a taste for kitsch culture. The Garden Gnome Liberation Front vanished from the public eye in 1997 after a northern French court handed its ringleader a suspended prison sentence and fined him for his part in the disappearance of around 150 gnomes. The only suspected sighting of the organization since then was a mass suicide of gnomes at Briey in eastern France in September 1998, when 11 of them were found dangling by their necks under a bridge. A letter found nearby said: "When you read these few words we will no longer be part of your selfish world, where we serve merely as pretty decoration." Now, the sight of 2,000 of the gaudy, colorful creatures dotted around the Bagatelle gardens has clearly proved too big a temptation for the group to avoid. It warned that it would strike again unless the show was closed and all the gnomes released. Organizers told the daily Le Parisien that they had no intention of bowing to the Front's demands.

SONG CHALLENGE! Part 26 (01-May-00)

Not one to let you Challenge!rs rest on your laurels (or cow chips, as the case may be), here's a great two-fer-one Challenge! from myself and the doesterr. You have a choice here -- you can write a song about either of these topics, OR, you can write a song that includes both topics, thus qualifying for the Two-Fer-One Award!

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(This one is from doesterr)

Do You Know The Way To San Jose? This could only happen in California....(true story) -- Car Jacking Foiled: An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found four unknown males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice that she "knows how to use it and that she will if required... so get out of the car! " The four men didn't wait around for a second invitation, but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the drivers seat. Small problem: her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was an identical model and was parked four or five spaces further down. She reloaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where 4 pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly white woman...no charges were filed.

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And here's mine:

Car 54 - Where Are You? Pensioners cause mayhem in police car - Police are investigating how two 76-year-old women got hold of a squad car and drove it with sirens blaring and lights flashing - before crashing it. The little old ladies were "Citizens on Patrol" volunteers who drive around Beloit, Wisconsin, looking out for suspicious behaviour - but they are NOT supposed to drive squad cars. They were asked to go to the scene of an accident to help control traffic but ended up in the police squad car instead of one of the unmarked police cars they normally use, according to the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel. Shirley Nelson and neighbour Jeune Nelson kept the radio on during the incident and were heard asking each other for directions. Their adventure ended when they went through a red light and hit an oncoming car. Neither woman was hurt but Shirley received a ticket for failing to drive safely. The Citizens Patrol programme has been suspended pending an inquiry. "I want to know who sent two little old ladies out in a squad car with a shotgun," says Rock County district attorney David O'Leary. He is reviewing the case to see if criminal charges might be brought.

SONG CHALLENGE! Part 27 (11-May-00)

By popular demand, this Challenge! is from Roger the Skiffler, who posted this message on this thread. It kind of gives a new meaning to the phrase "Come on in, the water's fine!" -- Bourbon fire in Kentucky -- The fire consumed a seven-storey warehouse A distillery blaze fuelled by thousands of gallons of whiskey has destroyed a warehouse and threatened water supplies in central Kentucky. A spokesman for the Wild Turkey whiskey company said thousands of bourbon casks had been exploding like gunfire at the peak of the blaze in a seven-storey warehouse near the town of Lawrenceburg. No one was seriously injured, although two firefighters were overcome by fumes and heat. An investigation has started into the cause of the fire. Water contaminated -- The authorities shut down a local water treatment plant after a large amount of burning bourbon mixed with water from fire hoses flowed into the Kentucky River. Lawrenceburg officials ordered unnecessary water usage in restaurants and car washes to be halted temporarily. The burning alcohol also set fire to woods behind the water treatment plant. The warehouse was one of 12 at the plant. Company officials said each facility contained 15,000-20,000 barrels filled with bourbon. The distillery - the only one where the famous Wild Turkey brand is made - is still operating. The company spokesman said supplies of the bourbon would not be affected. He said the whiskey in the destroyed warehouse would not have been ready for drinking for another 10 years. Wild Turkey is owned by the French spirits conglomerate Pernod-Ricard SA.

SONG CHALLENGE! Part 28 (11-Jun-00)

This Challenge! was sent in by Mudcatter Jeri a while back and should definitely be considered an "urban legend" (as in, don't believe everything you read *BG*). It's a hoot, and I hope you all have a great time with it and we see some great songs -- Go For It, Challenger!s!!!

TOKYO (AP) The recent craze for hydrogen beer is at the heart of a three way lawsuit between unemployed stockbroker Toshira Otoma, the Tike-Take karaoke bar and the Asaka Beer Corporation. Mr Otoma is suing the bar and the brewery for selling toxic substances and is claiming damages for grievous bodily harm leading to the loss of his job. The bar is countersuing for defamation and loss of customers. The Asaka Beer corporation brews "Suiso" brand beer, where the carbon dioxide normally used to add fizz has been replaced by the more environmentally friendly hydrogen gas. A side effect of this has made the beer extremely popular at karaoke sing-along bars and discotheques. Because hydrogen molecules are lighter than air, individuals whose lungs are filled with the nontoxic gas can speak with an uncharacteristically high voice, giving chic Tokyo urbanites the ability to sing soprano parts on karaoke sing-along machines after consuming a big gulp of Suiso beer. The flammable nature of hydrogen has also become another selling point, even though the beer company has not acknowledged that this was a deliberate marketing ploy. It has inspired a new fashion of blowing flames from one's mouth using a cigarette as an ignition source. Many new karaoke videos feature singers shooting blue flames in slow motion, while flame contests take place in pubs everywhere. "Mr Otoma drank fifteen bottles of hydrogen beer in order to maximise the size of the flames he could belch during the contest. He catapulted balls of fire across the room that Gojira would be proud of, but this was not enough to win him first prize since the judgement is made on the quality of the flames and that of the singing, and after fifteen bottles of lager he was badly out of tune," said Mr Takashi Nomura, Manager of the Tike-Take bar.

Mr. Otoma apparently took exception to the result and hurled blue fireballs at the judge, singeing the front of one
customer's hair, entirely removing her eyebrows and lashes. When the club's security staff showed up, he turned his
attentions to them, giving the head bouncer no choice but to tackle Mr Otoma, knocking his legs from under him.
Said the club's manager, "It was his own fault he had his mouth open for the next belch, his own fault he held a
lighted cigarette in front of it and it is own fault he swallowed that cigarette . . . The Tike-Take bar takes no
responsibility for the subsequent internal combustion, rupture of his stomach lining, nor the third degree burns to his
oesophagus, larynx and sinuses as the exploding gases forced their way out of his body. His consequential muteness
and loss of employment are his own fault." Mr. Otoma was unavailable for comment.

SONG CHALLENGE! Part 29 (20-Jun-00)

Here's the 'beastie bliss' as promised. This challenge idea was suggested by our own dear Bert. Go for it, Challenge!rs!!! Vienna, May 9 - The illegal stowaway arrived in the Czech Republic with a nasty hangover and was apprehended by the authorities - but not without a fight. But instead of being sent back on the first ship out, he's become a star. Meet Vaclav, the raccoon who survived for weeks on beer and dog food. "He was one lucky raccoon," says Vladimir Thichor, head of the animal clinic in Pardubice. "If that consignment of beer had not been on board, he would not have lasted three days." Vaclav - named by Czechs with a wink at their ex-dissident President Vaclav Havel, another great survivor - traveled in a container all the way from Canada to the East Bohemian town of Pardubice, deep in the provinces. He probably crept in for a free meal when the container was being loaded in Toronto. But when the door closed, he was trapped for more than three weeks. Vaclav tore into the packs of dry dog-food, then looked for something to quench his thirst. Something told him to sink his sharp teeth into a six pack, and from that moment on, Vaclav was one happy puppy. So to speak. As a result, when the container was opened, Vaclav did not want to come out: he had found beastie bliss. Two policemen specially trained in the capture of vicious animals were called in. Clad in protective suits and armed with gladiator nets, the team spent two hours trapping the rancorous raccoon, who fought them tooth and claw all the way to his allotted cage. There, he sulked in a corner and slept it off, suffering the raccoon equivalent of cold turkey. Nor was he charmed when he was given a bath to wash the beer residue out of his matted coat. Vaclav is now the darling of the Czech media. The Pardubice animal clinic's phone has been jammed with calls offering him a home. Director Thichor, however, was not moved by the outpouring of sentiment. "A raccoon is not a family pet," he said. "Vaclav will go to a zoo where everyone can come and see him - and where we will try to find him a mate." Now if he could just get a television and a six pack ...

SONG CHALLENGE! Part 30 (27-Jun-00)

Lost your 'Olympic' spirit? Here's a little story that should help to inspire all of us to 'go for the gold' . . . Thirty contestants from around the globe recently gathered in London for the second annual round of the Official World Dung Spitting Championships. CNN's Amanda Kibel was there to witness the 'action': "It might not be the most physically demanding sport in the world, but mentally, it's a real challenge. All you need, say competitors, is a good lung capacity, limber lips, a strong mind and stomach, and a prime pellet of animal dung. The aim of the game is simple: overcome the resistance to placing the dung in your mouth and then, spit it out. The all-important dung selection is first, and the competition was fierce for pieces of the finest droppings, gathered on a game farm in Africa, yielded by the Kudu, a small deer-like animal. And clearly, not just any old dung will do. A worthy pellet must be firm, not crumbly, and preferably, not too fresh. As the first training session unfolded, interest from some passersby was high, but controversy dogged this competition from the start. One woman passerby commented, "You're spitting! And there's a rule about spitting in this country. There is, there's a bylaw about spitting." The games must go on. Competition day dawned, and competitors embarked on the vital warm-ups (gulping large portions of golden ale and dark stout). Mouths well lubricated, they spit their best, but in the end, it's a sudden-death playoff. The Dungmeister, the reigning champion, the man who, in the past, has spat a mighty ten meters, faces off against an unknown, a rank outsider! A new champion is born, and he pays tribute to his technique: "I use the little pointed end (of the dung) towards the back. That seems to work." But it takes more than just technique. Dung spitters say that what it's really all about is a simple case of mind over waste matter."

SONG CHALLENGE! Part 31 (01-Jul-00)

Port-a-Potty Peril -- Huntingdon Valley, Pennsylvania, June 15 - Police rescued a man who found himself stuck in the depths of a portable toilet at a recreational field Wednesday afternoon, after he lowered himself inside and couldn't get out. The man, not identified by police, told officers he was trying to retrieve his keys. He was trapped there for at least 45 awful minutes, he told police. Children playing basketball heard the man calling for help and told their mother. She called township police. Officers arrived about 2:45 p.m. and found the unfortunate man, still shouting and in the toilet's lower chamber up to his hips. He was naked from the waist down, having taken off his shoes and pants for his unpleasant task. It took emergency response workers until 3:28 p.m. to extract him, police said, adding that they had to destroy a significant part of the facility in the process. Police could not estimate the cost of the damage. One he was free, the man was taken to hospital for treatment of cuts and bruises - and to have the wedged-tight toilet seat removed from around his torso.

SONG CHALLENGE! Part 32 (04-Jul-00)

Well, this should be a "cleansing" experience after the last two Challenge!s. The Topless Mermaid: 'Most people just look and cheer' -- OSLO, Norway - A bare-breasted blonde mermaid perched atop a rock is making tourists gape in disbelief along a Norwegian fjord. "One man once jumped off a boat and swam over to me," Line Oexnevad, 37 and mother of two children, said on Tuesday of her unorthodox job as a professional siren. "Most people just look and cheer." Oexnevad, naked except for a long blonde wig and a costume fish-tail, said she has sat five times on a rock along the Lyse fjord in West Norway in the past three summers, hired as a surprise attraction for tourist boat trips and parties. "The last time it was a bit cold," she said. "The mermaid in Copenhagen and me are the only mermaids I know of," she said. The "Little Mermaid" in Copenhagen is a statue inspired by a Hans Christian Andersen fairy tale. Oexnevad, who also works at a hospital in nearby Stavanger, said she was no good at singing -- in legend, sirens sang to lure sailors. "Maybe next time I'll take along a cassette player," she said.

SONG CHALLENGE! Part 33 (11-Jul-00)

Who Left Uncle Harry In The Bushes? July 6, 2000 - Fort Worth, Texas: Maintenance worker John Truex was minding his own business as he walked the grounds of the Woodhill Apartments on Monday, when he spied an odd-looking wooden box under a bush. "He had no idea what it was," said the manager of the complex. "It looked like a little coffin." Truex took the box to the apartment office to show the manager and other staff members what he found. Curious, the group opened the lid and discovered a sealed brass box inside. They couldn't open the brass box, and couldn't figure out what it was, so they called the police. Officer W.T. Byrnes arrived at the scene and was just as stumped by the 1-foot-long by 4-inch-wide box, which seemed to be missing a display plate. "I wasn't real sure what it was," Byrnes said. "I called funeral homes in the area and they said, 'Yes, we package things like that,' and I said, 'Eeeeyew!'" "According to a couple of funeral homes," continued Officer Byrnes, "they take ashes, put them in a plastic bag with a label of who it is and then put them in a box that they seal up and then put in a display case." Byrnes turned the little box over to the Medical Examiner's Office; however, the staff members there declined to comment yesterday. The statement from spokeswoman Linda Anderson was, "As it stands right now, we don't have any information on it -- All we have is a box." But the apartment manager has heard otherwise. "It's an urn of some sort," she said. "The medical examiner's office found out that it is a lady from Granbury, but they haven't contacted any relatives. But I'm sure when a person finds out that their relative was left here, we will be hearing from them . . . (but) you've got to wonder who would leave Uncle Harry under a bush . . . ."

SONG CHALLENGE! Part 34 (18-Jul-00)

Sometimes I Feel Like Felon, Sometimes I Don't (Hurricane, Utah) - Inmate Brian McCluskey, serving a one-year jail sentence for attempted possession of methaphetamine, believed he had found heaven at the Purgatory Correctional Facility. A bag of M&Ms he earned for helping with chores at the jail was thought to be the million-dollar winner of a national contest. Deputy Julie Pugmire gave the candy to McCluskey as a reward for helping her pass out commissary items. When he opened the bag, the 27-year-old found candies that were sky blue, white, purple - colors he'd never seen before. Other inmates told him he might have won M&Ms' "Fix-Up the Mix-Up" contest, which they had seen advertised on television. Sheriff Kirk Smith told The Associated Press that he was sure that the inmate had won the contest. "We're confident he has the bag advertised as the winning bag. It was put in property then given to his wife." But Mars Inc., said that only one of the bags has a game piece that identifies the winner. The million others get a 16 ounce bag of candy. The bag was being kept in a safe-deposit box until it was authenticated. The Mars company later said that McCluskey wasn't the Grand Prize Winner after all -- only one of a million First Prize winners -- who only get a free bag of M&M's, not the million dollars McCluskey thought he'd won.

This Challenge! was suggested by sophocleese (thanks!). If you're getting those summertime doldrums (or wintertime doldrums, if you're one of our NZ/OZ friends), here's a frisky little Challenge! that ought to blow those doldrums right away (hehehehehe):

So A Man Walks Into A Bar With A Fox Under His Arm And... -- "This whole story has been blown out of all proportion," said a spokeswoman for the Over and Sons garage in Aspatria. "It's true that last week a man walked onto our forecourt in the Market Place with a fox under his arm, pushed the nozzle of the compressed air line into the animal's rectum, put 20p in the slot, and pumped it until it exploded. But what the newspaper reports didn't mention was that the animal was already dead." The spokeswoman explained that the garage had been under siege for several days following reports about the incident. A report appeared in the local paper, talking about 'this sickening and horrible act,' and next day the nasty phone calls started. Animal rights activists even threatened to make reprisal attacks on the garage, and more staff were called in. But what had really happened was that an amateur taxidermist had brought the dead fox in, and asked if he could pump some air between the fur and the skin, to loosen the pelt. After apparently 'overdoing' it a bit, he then ran away in embarrassment. The garage's spokeswoman continued, "It ought to be obvious to anyone that the animal couldn't have been alive. I mean, it's hard enough to even hold a live fox, let alone insert an air-line up its rectum. I should imagine." Police later confirmed that they had spoken to a man about the incident. "We are convinced that no criminal act has taken place, but we did warn him about the inadvisability of inflating animals in a public place."

SONG CHALLENGE! Part 36 (31-Jul-00)

Alrightey then! I've let you all rest for a couple of days now, so I'm expecting great things from my Challenge!rs -- This Challenge! was submitted by Amergin: Reality Intrudes, Let's Hope It Doesn't Bite! -- NBC's top entertainment executives confessed this past June that they had misjudged the public interest in so-called reality shows and that NBC was now committed to finding a reality show of its own for next summer or sooner. One such show the executives talked about extensively, though they said they did not yet have a deal, is called "Chains of Love," which consists of one young woman selecting 4 men she would like to date from a pool of about 100, and then being literally chained to those four men for several weeks, discarding them one at a time until she selects one winner. Garth Ancier, the president of NBC Entertainment, called it "a relationship show."

SONG CHALLENGE! Part 37 (08-Aug-00)

There Are More Things In Heaven And Earth, Horatio . . . From creatures of the deep to massive mountain monsters, legends of shy prehistoric forms of wildlife persist throughout European culture and history. But now Norway has a rival to the famed Loch Ness monster of Scotland -- "Selma," a fabled serpent which has caught the attention of an international team of monster hunters. Reports of a beast in the lake first surfaced around 1750, and most accounts agree it looks like a serpent with the head of an elk or a horse. A giant trap for catching the creature, reputed to be a cousin of 'Nessie', has been set up in a lake in south Norway. The 18-foot (6m) long tube-shaped trap, comprising a metal frame with nylon netting, is set to be lowered into Seljord lake in south Norway and will contain live fish for bait to catch "Selma." Over the next two weeks, the team will dangle the cage in the lake, near where sightings of the monster have been reported. The latest attempt to catch Nessie's Norwegian cousin follows other sightings in Scandinavian countries. Swedish monster spotters have been kept busy in recent years with a rush of stories about a similar strain of serpent. Five years ago, a new legend was born in Lake Van, Turkey. Authorities recorded witness accounts of a monster-like dinosaur in the country's largest lake. And across the Atlantic, Canada has its own version of the mystery, the Ogopogo.

SONG CHALLENGE! Part 38 (19-Aug-00)

A Party for the Passing of Popular Popsicled Pachyderm Poop Picker -- A memorial was held last weekend in Springfield, Missouri, for a popular circus elephant groomer whose body was frozen when he died three months ago so his friends could attend the funeral. The funeral was held under the big top and included circus music, food and even an elephant-drawn wagon carrying the casket. In the center ring, the main attraction was Albert "Shorty" Sharp, who stood 4 feet, 7 inches tall, when he wasn't on his tiptoes grooming pachyderms. Sharp, who spent 50 years in the circus, died May 12 of heart failure while traveling through Wisconsin with George Carden Circus International. After the funeral festivities, Sharp's body was taken to a cemetery on the wagon, drawn by the elephants he cared for. "My circus was out on the road when Shorty passed away and only a few of his friends would have made the funeral," said ringmaster and owner George Carden. So he decided to freeze Sharp's body at a Springfield funeral home until all of his friends could come. "This is not so much a funeral as it is a celebration to say 'thank you' to Shorty for his dedication," Carden said Thursday. "Shorty was a little man with a great big heart." Like most circus employees, Carden said, Sharp was completely dedicated to his work. Sharp groomed elephants for circuses in Florida and Texas, and even tended to Bimbo, a water-skiing elephant who appeared in a 1950s TV series called "'Circus Boy.' "In the circus, there is no such thing as calling in sick or getting tired, the show must always go on," Carden said. "Shorty was always there. He had no family, so he lived and breathed the elephants."

SONG CHALLENGE! Part 39 (11-Sep-00)

This Challenge! is from the "One And Only Five Minutes Flat" Amos, and is guaranteed to bring a smile to the faces of all coffee lovers . . . Coffee Bar Sparks Caffeine-Condom Rush: ROME (Reuters) - Italian espresso is supposed to give the drinker a lift, but it seems to be making some decidedly frisky. A coffee bar in the Italian beach resort of Sperlonga has taken to handing out free condoms with every cup it sells. 'It's a bit of fun, but also to make sure people protect themselves, the owner of the bar, The Pirate, told the newspaper Corriere della Sera, adding that a lot more young people had started drinking his coffee. More than 150 people a day have been whisking the condoms into their back pockets or handbags, according to the owner, but Sunday is apparently the busiest day of all. 'Who knows what they get up to,' he said.

SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40 (28-Sep-00)

The Case of the Crazed Cookie Crusher -- (Yardley, Pennsylvania) For three years the managers in the three supermarkets kept finding shelves of crumbled cookies and smashed loaves of bread. A cookie company finally installed a hidden camera turned on the cookie aisle at a Giant supermarket. That led to the arrest and conviction of Samuel Feldman, 37, on charges of disorderly conduct and criminal mischief, and a fine of $1,000. Both prosecutors and defense attorneys appeared in court with bags of sweet-smelling evidence. The prosecution with bruised buns and crushed cookies, and the defense with unmangled goodies used to demonstrate their client's squeezing technique. Although Mr. Feldman claimed his innocence, saying 'I squeeze bread when I go to the store, but I don't get arrested for it," the judge said that the 18-hour videotape clearly showed Feldman "manipulating bread and cookies" and "acting suspiciously around the baked goods." A local reporter commented that the videotape showed Mr. Feldman waiting until his wife's back was turned, and only then would he begin bashing the bread. "He apparently loved to stick his thumbs in the middle of the fruit-filled cookies. The impressions were so distinct, the police were able to use them to lift his fingerprints." Judge Heckler has postponed the sentencing hearing to give Mr. Feldman, who now lives in Las Vegas, time to find "a mental health professional who is familiar with bread-related compulsive behavior." Meanwhile, the bread and cookie distributors still want their dough, and are planning to sue Mr. Feldman in civil court to recover $8,000, the amount of baked goods they claim that he vandalized over the three year period.

SONG CHALLENGE! Part 41 (03-Oct-00)

But I Want To Get To Know You... (Hove, East Sussex, England) A lapdancing club has applied to the local council for a variance to its licence to allow blind patrons to touch performers. The Pussycats Club in Hove complained that the strict no touching clause in its current licence discriminates against the blind. Kenneth McGrath, director of the club, took up the issue with Brighton and Hove council after two blind men visited Pussycats with a stag party of sighted friends. They wanted to touch the girls, explaining that, if they could, it would give them a better idea of what the exotic dancers looked like. The club's licence forbids any physical contact between dancers and guests except when customers feel the need to place banknotes in the dancer's garters. Mr. McGrath said: "Both men said they very much enjoyed the dances and sensed highly the proximity of the dancers and, in particular, enjoyed the smell of their perfume. Given their disability, they felt controlled touching ought to be permitted for registered blind persons only and with the dancer's consent (and) that touching should be voluntary and restricted to the breasts and only when the dancer is wearing a bra and not topless. The dancer would retain full control, taking one hand of the blind customer and placing it on her breasts while dancing for an agreed time." A council spokesman said: "We would consider any application for a variance of the lapdancing licence once we receive it."

SONG CHALLENGE! Part 42 (06-Oct-00)

You have a choice to (1) pick one of the stories for an entry song, OR (2) go for the big doggie biscuit and incorporate all the stories into your entry song. What The Heck Is Going On Here? Chicken-Duck "Troops" Battle Locusts (Xinjiang, China) - Twice a day, over 700,000 trained chickens and ducks chow down on locusts at the foot of Tianshan Mountain in the Xinjiang Uygur Autonomous Region, northwest China. By nightfall, the chicken-duck troops can devour nearly 100 million locusts, making a welcome dent in one of the region's worst locust plagues in years. Locusts have affected 2.6 million hectares of farmland in the northwest China region. To fight back, the region has brought in some 100,000 ducks to join the locust-killing bio-troops made up of chickens, migrating starlings and microspores. The bio-troops have helped kill locusts on over 270,000 hectares of land and the region has decided to double its number of ducks and chickens for its fight against the locusts next year. Ma Yonggang, a herdsman on the northern side of Tianshan Mountain, is breeding 5,000 locust-killing brown ducks. Battles On the Sanglochon Line (Var, France) - Marauding bands of "sanglochons" -- a cross between a wild boar (sanglier) and domestic pig (cochon) -- have been wreaking havoc throughout the Alpes-Maritime region Var, a picturesque county in south-east France. Marcel Laugier, a local wildlife officer, said: "They're everywhere. It's like a plague. They come into inhabited areas and root through bins and dig up lawns and drink out of swimming pools. They're extremely greedy. I get a constant stream of calls from people complaining about them." Sanglochons were first bred in Belgium and north-west France at the end of the last century. The breed gradually died out, but was resurrected in the 1980s when farmers again began rearing them. The experiment didn't prove successful, however, and, unable to find a market for their pigs, many farmers simply released them into the wild. Their fast breeding rate has meant that over the last 20 years their numbers have increased by 600 percent, and it is now estimated there are over 10,000 of them roaming the Var alone. "There's no doubt that if they get into the wild they can be a real problem," says Michel Van der Oost, a sanglochon breeder from Neufchateau in Belgium. "They can be very naughty and willful, and aggressive too sometimes. Mind you, they make wonderful sausages." (From McGrath of Harlow) Don't Monkey With Us, Monsieur! (Paris, France) - With pitbulls, dobermans and rottweilers under fire from the French authorities, youth gangs in the depressed city suburbs have discovered an alternative way to intimidate their rivals - with attack monkeys. "They're ultra-fashionable," said Didier Lecourbe, a police officer from the depressed Paris suburb of Aubervilliers. "There are dozens of them. Kids take them out on leads, and even carry baby monkeys around in nappies. But these animals can be very dangerous indeed." Imported illegally through Spain from Gibraltar, Morocco or Algeria, the Barbary apes are known for their powerful limbs, sharp teeth and short tempers. Veterinary experts say they can be turned into frightening and effective weapons. "Removed from their natural habitat, they can become highly aggressive," says Marie-Claude Bomsel of the natural history museum, "They bite, and their favoured method of attack is to hurl themselves at people's heads." Police believe as many as 500 Barbary apes may have been smuggled into France in the past two years. "Now the authorities have cracked down on pitbulls and the rest, apes look like becoming the new weapon of choice," said Mr Lecourbe. "We've heard of monkey-fights being run in tower block basements." Monkeys See, Monkeys Threw (Jarratt, Virginia) Three monkeys hurled bananas and crab apples at cars on Interstate 95, then fled into the woods, police said. Police believe the monkeys escaped while being taken to the state fair in Richmond or a circus in North Carolina. State Trooper Mike Scott was flagged down Sunday by a driver who had pulled over near Jarratt. "When I walked up to the car, it looked like a banana had been smeared on the side," Scott said. The woman told him a monkey had thrown the fruit about a mile back. "I started laughing," Scott said. But he drove to the scene of the attack and found a van and a station wagon on the side of the highway. "A man said, 'I know this sounds crazy, but a monkey threw an apple at our car,"' Scott said. Just then, something hit the van. "Lo and behold there were three brown monkeys in an oak tree throwing crab apples," Scott said. The primates jumped down, ran across the highway and escaped into more trees.

SONG CHALLENGE! Part 44 (28-Oct-00)

When Pigs Fly OR Never Say Never Again (Philadelphia PA) In a bizarre episode that rattled flight attendants and embarrassed airline officials, a 300-pound pig was put in the first-class cabin of a US Airways Boeing 757 and flown with 200 other passengers on a nonstop six-hour flight across the country from Philadelphia to Seattle. All went well, for most of the flight. Somehow, the pig's owners, described as two women, one in her 30s, the other a senior citizen, convinced the airline that it was a "therapeutic companion pet," like a guide dog for the blind. "I guess it was supposed to be a Seeing Eye pig," a witness aboard the flight said. "Frankly, I couldn't tell what kind of therapeutic service it was providing. All I know is, it was ugly, and it pooped." A chagrined airline spokesman provided few details. "We can confirm that the pig traveled, and we can confirm that it will never happen again," US Airways spokesman David Castelveter said. "Let me stress that. It will never happen again." An internal report said the owners said they had a doctor's note that required them to fly with the animal, and that they described pig as weighing only 13 pounds, so based on this info, authorization was given," the report said. Witnesses said the pig's owners exhibited no obvious impairments. "I'd estimate 300 pounds," one source aboard the flight said. "It took four people to wheel it in, past security and to the gate. And they were struggling." Though flight attendants objected, the pig was cleared for takeoff and seated on the floor, in the first row of first class. It was so big, much of its bulk extended into the aisle, according to the report. "It didn't smell; it was a clean pig," a witness on the flight said. "It slept almost the whole time." Few passengers complained. It wasn't till the aircraft taxied into Seattle that the pig wreaked havoc. Squealing loudly, it ran loose through the aircraft and tried to enter the cockpit. It finally found refuge in the food galley, where it refused to budge. Finally, the pig was lured from the galley with food. Then, the owners -- struggling to control the pig -- dragged it out of the aircraft and into the Jetway. That's where it left its mess. "Another passenger on the flight advised pig owner that she picked up her pig's feces and she was not happy about that," the report stated. "Once the pig was off aircraft, another passenger had to push while the two women pulled to get it in the elevator. "The whole time, the pig was squealing so loudly everyone in the terminal heard it." Federal Aviation Administration officials in Seattle said they were unfamiliar with the incident, but said they would investigate.

SONG CHALLENGE! Part 46 (13-Dec-00)

Here's a little story that Amos sent in for your 'songifying' enjoyment -- He calls it: "If I Gave Myself To You . . ." COLOMBO (Reuters) - A Sri Lankan man was seriously injured when he jumped naked into a lions' den at the national zoo, apparently offering himself up as a feast for the big cats, officials said Monday. "The man...had written a letter before jumping into the enclosure saying he wanted to give 'alms' to the lions," said Senarath Gunasena, director of the National Zoological Gardens in the Colombo suburb of Dehiwala. The man survived but the three lions in the den bit off parts of his arms, legs, chest and groin area. The incident occurred Sunday when the zoo was full of visitors. The man was rescued by zoo staff and onlookers who beat garbage cans to frighten the lions away and took him to a nearby hospital where he was in intensive care. Sri Lanka's majority Buddhist population believes that giving alms can earn merit for future incarnations.

SONG CHALLENGE! Part 47 (23-Dec-00)

Giving Frosty The Cold Shoulder -- The snowman is sexist, out of date and should make way for snow-women, an academic claimed yesterday. Dr. Tricia Cusack, of Birmingham University, carried out a five-year study into the "cultural meanings" of snowmen. She believes that they are old-fashioned symbols of gender discrimination. She has called for snow-women to appear on Christmas cards and wrapping paper. Writing in the cultural history periodical New Formations, Dr. Cusack described snowmen as the "rotund relics of Bacchanalia". They were gluttonous and indulgent, and symbolised the grotesque with their portly appearance and carrot noses. However, she added: "I don't want to ban snowmen or anything, let's just be a bit more imaginative - why not have a snow-woman? We need to be alert to which particular images have got currency. Why is it always male, and why is it so popular at Christmas? At least the snowman has lost his pipe as society is less geared towards promoting smoking."

SONG CHALLENGE! Part 49 (22-Feb-01)

Comin' In On A Hoof And A Prayer -- Early in 1997, the dazed crew of a JJapanese Trawler was plucked out of the Sea of Japan clinging to the wreckage of their sunken ship. Their rescue, however, was followed by immediate imprisonment once authorities questioned the sailors on their ship's loss. To a man they claimed that a cow, falling out of a clear blue sky, had struck the trawler amidships, shattering its hull and sinking the vessel within minutes. They remained in prison for several weeks, until the Russian Air Force reluctantly informed Japanese authorities that the crew of one of its cargo planes had apparently stolen a cow wandering at the edge of a Siberian airfield, forced the cow into the plane's hold, and hastily taken off for home. Unprepared for live cargo, the Russian crew was ill-equipped to manage a now rampaging cow within its hold. To save the aircraft and themselves, they shoved the animal out of the cargo hold as they crossed the Sea of Japan at an altitude of 30,000 feet.

SONG CHALLENGE! Part 51 (19-Mar-01)

Sheep shoots sleeping shepherd -- Cairo, Egypt -- Shepherd Mokhtar Adam Fadl was sleeping soundly beside his flock when he was shot dead. Hours later police found his killer. It was one of his sheep, police officers said Thursday. The sheep killed Fadl by kicking his gun and accidentally firing it, the officers said, speaking on condition of anonymity. The shot hit Fadl in the chest as the 20-year-old Bedouin slept in the desert near Sidi Barrani, northwest Egypt. Police in the district of Marsa Matrouh said they confiscated the locally made gun as it was not licensed. They took the sheep away, but not to prison . . .

SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 54 (11-Jun-01)

The Case of the Cheerio Highwayman -- TACOMA, Washington (AP) -- Seven-yeaar-old Perley King got into big trouble for driving off in his sister's car in search of his favorite cereal. But he's getting his Cheerios. Early on April 1, while other family members slept, Perley and his dog, Bear, climbed into the car. Relying on skills learned at a computer game, the boy drove three miles in search of a food store. In his drive to fame, Perley navigated some of the city's busiest streets by alternately stepping on the gas pedal, then climbing on the seat to steer, chugging along toward the food store. The spin landed Perley in hot water, but also earned him television appearances and buckets of newspaper ink. His single-minded devotion to his favorite breakfast cereal will also have material rewards. Representatives from Minnesota-based General Mills planned to visit Perley, his parents, Dwayne and Jeanne King, and six brothers and sisters at their Tacoma home this week. It means Perley can look forward to a year's supply of Cheerios and other surprises. He also may receive a new bicycle. "So he'll never have to drive to the store again," said General Mills spokeswoman Liv Lane.

SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 55 (17-Jun-01)

He's A Long, Tall Surgeon -- (Indianapolis, IN) A spokesperson for the MidWest Medical Center announced today that the hospital would remove all spittoons from its surgical intensive care unit, following complaints by patients. "This has all been a colossal misunderstanding, and we want to put it behind us", said hospital spokesman Henry O'Toole. According to O'Toole, the 19th century-style saliva receptacles had been placed in the intensive care unit by Dr. Nick Testa, a staff surgeon. Anonymous sources within the hospital described Dr. Testa's reputation as a surgical "cowboy", a part he had increasingly tried to play to the maximum. "First people were just referring to him as a 'cowboy' because he basically took anyone to the OR, no matter what their problem was", said the source. "Then about five years ago, he started wearing hand-tooled cowboy boots...OK, lots of surgeons do that." Apparently several staff were upset when Dr. Testa tried last month to operate on a patient wearing a Lone Ranger style mask, after earlier wearing a bandana pulled up over his handlebar moustache, instead of a standard surgical mask. "He was just yelling: 'This IS my mask, this IS my mask', when they tried to get him out of the OR", according to Sally Stevens, a MidWestern scrub nurse. Many staff members regarded as amusing Testa's practice of carrying his stethoscope in a holster, drawing it with a rapid motion when he intended to examine a patient. However, when Testa brought three large brass spittoons into the surgical intensive care unit, patients and their families began to complain. Testa's habit of chewing tobacco and spitting towards the spittoons reportedly became increasingly disruptive to intensive care unit staff, who frequently had to change intravenous lines and dressings when Testa missed his mark. According to O'Toole, Dr. Testa is currently on vacation in Montana, and so is unavailable for comment.

SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 56 (21-Jun-01)

Polly Want a Divorce? SHANGHAI (Reuters) - A Chinese housewife is seeking divorce claiming the family's talking bird dropped clues on her husband's illicit affair, state media said on Tuesday. The woman from southwestern Chongqing city said she uncovered the affair when their mynah began saying things like "Divorce," "I love you" and "Be patient" after it overheard the husband's telephone calls with his mistress, the Xinmin Evening News said. The woman said she noticed the feathered tattle-tale's strange new vocabulary after she returned from a month-long visit with her parents that started in May. Already suspecting her husband was having an affair, she observed that the bird became particularly talkative whenever the telephone rang, confirming her suspicions, the report said. Last week she brought the bird to a law office for consultation, hoping it could testify in court. "Can my mynah be used as witness?" the newspaper quoted her as asking. Lawyers were not optimistic. "The judges are unlikely to rule against your husband based only on the mynah's words," attorney Wu Di was quoted as telling her.

SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 57 (28-Jun-01)

Let's Have Another Cup of Cat Cra . . . uh, Coffee – Well, it seems that the coffee market is being undermined by runaway planting in Vietnam and Indonesia, flooding the market with cheap coffee. Meanwhile, consumption has been relatively flat. A Starbucks on every corner doesn't mean people are drinking more coffee; thus, the proliferation of gourmet offerings as customers' tastes continuing to get more rarefied. One coffee retailer in Atlanta sells something called "luwak" coffee, which it claims is picked by the common palm civet (Paradoxurus hermaphrodites), often described as catlike, but probably better thought of as an Asian version of a raccoon, coati or kinkajou. The palm civet is also known as the 'toddy cat,' for its fondness for the palm juice that is tapped to make a sweet liquor. On coffee plantations, palm civets dine heavily on coffee cherries. However, they digest only the outer pulp of fruit, passing the coffee beans unharmed through their digestive systems. And because palm civets repeatedly deposit their droppings in piles at the same spots, the coffee beans are easily collected, roasted then brewed into kopi luwak--civet coffee. Kopi luwak is reputedly the best of all coffees because palm civets pluck and eat only the most perfectly ripe cherries! The price of a pound of kopi luwak coffee? $300.00. Whether the beans are affected as they go through the animal's gut is also unknown. For that matter, there is some debate about whether coffee called kopi luwak was ever anywhere near a palm civet. Asked how he knew the beans were really collected from civet scats, one coffee company representative said, "We operate on trust." As for the taste, he described the brew as "gamey". One dealer described the same scene being repeated every time he tells someone about luwak coffee: "At some point in the story, when you explain how this cat eats only the perfectly ripe coffee cherries, the listener gets this cautious look on his face, and says, "Are you telling me that..." and the dealer always nods and says, "Yes, that's exactly right. Roasted cat-shit for $300 a pound."

SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 58 (02-Jul-01)

Don't Ya Crawl Too Slow, Move Along Lil' Suckahs . . . – DULUTH, Minnesota (AP) -- Phil DeVore thinks of himself as a rancher. But he doesn't ride the range tending his herd, he just drops meat scraps into the pond. DeVore raises leeches on his farm south of Superior, Wisconsin. He says the little suckers are like black gold. The leeches are prized by fisherman as bait. DeVore tells the Duluth, Minnesota, News Tribune he's working 20 hours a day this time of year to keep up with demand. DeVore's jumbo leeches sell for about 16 dollars a pound -- more expensive than steak. He says even if he wanted to eat leeches, he couldn't afford it.