The Race Is On by derrymacash


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Brit Flits Nix Knicks! London (August 2001) -- Female athletes competing for Britain in the World Championships say their official team knickers are too skimpy. The runners are worried they will be flashing their bottoms at spectators. Officials say they don't want athletes to feel uncomfortable and have allowed them to wear last year's Olympic kit. Kathy Butler, who is competing in the 5000m at the championships in Canada, says the small knickers have left athletes with a dilemma. "If you pull them up you can see your bum and when you pull them down you can see your hips. They just don't fit properly," she said. She added: "I can't find my old Olympic ones, so I'll be wearing the hipsters." A spokesman for UK Athletics said that officials have given the all-clear for runners to wear last year's design. "Something had to be done. We can't ask our top athletes to run 25 laps wearing something they feel uncomfortable in," he said.

The Race Is On by derrymacash
(I couldn't resist a parody of George Jone's "The Race Is On" – a deviation from my usual preoccupation with parodying songs from the Irish canon. (Do these parodies only work if you know the original?)

I feel tears welling up from down deep inside
My reputation's at stake
There's a wedge of cotton and it's irritating
The tailfeather that I shake
You might think that I'm taking it hard
These shorts creepin' 'tween my cheeks
But the loneliness of the long distance runner
Chokes me up so I can't speak

CHORUS:
Now the race is on and my knickers ride up the back stretch
Lycra runners a goin' to the inside
My tears are holding back, trying not to fall
This friction – I ain't funning – makes me scratch and ache
The race is on and it looks like arseache
And the winner loses all

One day I ventured to run never once suspecting
What the final result would be
Now I live in fear of those skimpy kecks
That have been the ruin of me
There's an aching pain in my arse and I blame
The costume I'm forced to wear
Cos it's up my crack as I run round the track
And it chafes my derriere

CHORUS