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The Song Challenge:   The Mother Of All Excuses -- A pub landlord has developed the perfect defence for the post-work tippler who needs an excuse for being late home - a phone booth which adds authentic sound effects to any drinker's excuse for being late home.   Colin Benham, who runs the Travellers Joy in Rayleigh, Essex, first built a traditional-style red kiosk by hand.   He then added a selection of digitally recorded background noises, from a busy railway station to a bustling office and a noisy traffic jam.  Regulars now have the opportunity of ringing loved ones with a choice of excuses ranging from "the boss wants me to stay late at the office" to "you wouldn't believe the traffic I'm stuck in" . . . while Mr Benham pours the next round.  Mr Benham, who has no immediate plans to develop his invention, said yesterday: "It's the perfect answer to avoid those 'your dinner's in the dog' situations. I've got a CD with everything from traffic jam noise to the sound of a supermarket. It started off as an April Fool's joke but it has taken off like you wouldn't believe."  Drinkers simply request the bar staff to play a particular sound effect which is relayed through a speaker fixed inside the kiosk, and the rest is down to the caller's conscience. The landlady, Bernadette Williams, said there had been reports of the system being used for marginally more nefarious purposes, possibly involving bosses and secretaries.  She said: "There has been some talk of that kind of thing but overall we think it's a nice invention, and it's not just used by men. We built it ourselves because, being close to the railway station, we heard one or two people mention they had to leave because their dinner was ready when they really could have done with another pint.  "What happens is you get to unwind in the pub before you go home which puts you in a much better frame of mind, particularly if your partner thinks you've had an arduous time coming home. It makes for a much more harmonious evening."  The assistant manager, Tim Burchill, added: "Basically it gives you the perfect excuse to stay for that last pint, or five." Of course, too many drinks and the person on the other end of the line could be wondering what a train is doing in a supermarket . . .

Parson, Time In A Country Pub by Spider Tom

Spider Tom's Comments:  Here's another lame excuse, based on some story, very loose.

T'was a dry and dusty summers day, 
Bill had been out walking,
His shrivelled tongue, was laying dry,
Hardly fit for talking 
Billy's old eyes jumped for joy,
As he shuffled round the bend, 
Cause in the scrub, was a country pub,
"The Boozer at Dead-End".

Now Bill, had never been a one,
To tipple, in the morning
Cause early drinking, leads to, late,
Of that, I give you warning,
But thirst had got the better of,
His sober constitution,
He slid on up, into the pub,
And alcohol pollution.

Bill knew of early drinking,
But he still took the bait,
The beer rushed to his belly,
He had no time to wait
He was meeting up with Mabel
somewhere down the road,
He left the pub, a'staggering,
And stinking like a toad.

He caught up with his Mabel
He had thought up, an excuse,
He knew she might not swallow it, 
And he'd cop a grand abuse,
But Billy was a tryer, and also quite a liar
So he slurred, and spun his story,
He put it to good use.

"You're looking angry, Mabel,
And I wouldn't blame you, hon'
But I've just saved the parson's life,
We've only got the one,
He'd taken quite a tumble,
He fell head first in a keg,
And ya' know he would have surely drowned,
Ya' wouldn't want him dead."

"There was no time, I thought real fast,
I grabbed a garden hose,
I stuck it in the barrel,
Just past the parsons nose, 
I swigged the amber fluid,
That was frothing in that keg
Would you believe the stuff was beer
See, I spilt some on me leg".

Now Mabel looked suspicious,
But she kept her lips shut tight,
She'd chat first, to the parson,
She would check him out, alright,
But Bill he smiled contented,
He knew the reason why,
The parson wouldn't spill the beans,
He'd been drinking on the sly.

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