The Old Prognosticator by mousethief


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'I See Your Future Growing Bigger And Bigger' (Hamburg, Germany) A German clairvoyant is reading his clients' futures by feeling their naked bottoms. Ulf Buck says buttocks have similar lines to those on the hand, which can be read. The 39-year-old, who's been blind since he was three, says the bottom is more 'intense' than the hand. He says a reading can give information about his clients' personalities as well as their future wealth, happiness and health. Mr Buck from Meldorf, northwest of Hamburg, says he's attracting all kinds of clients including a soap star and a stockbroker. He also says being blind helps to relax his customers as they know they'll remain anonymous and that he doesn't get a thrill from the buttock reading, adding he's happily married.

The Old Prognosticator by mousethief
(Tune: The Old Settler/Acres of Clams)

I've traveled all over this planet
There's little that I haven't tried
Until I heard tell of a German
Who just wants to feel your backside
Who just wants to feel your backsi-yi-yide
Who just wants to feel your backside
Until I heard tell of a German
Who just wants to feel your backside

First I thought he was some kind of pervert
Some nutcase devoid of all class
Then I read that he foretells the future
From reading the lines on your ass
From reading (etc)

So I went down to Hamburg to meet him
His wife greeted me at the door
And soon all my beautiful clothing
Was in a small pile on the floor
Was in a small pile (etc)

Then she led me into a small chamber
Where a man with dark glasses did sit
And he said "I am zo glad to meet you,
Bring your butt here vhere I can reach it."
Bring your butt here (etc)

I was nervous as you can imagine
T'have this stranger touch my derriere
Then he said, "Ach mein Lieber! It's yoost like
The hair on the back of a bear!"
The hair on the back (etc)

Well I left in a huff, let me tell you
While Ulf called, "Come back! I'm not done!"
But I threw on my clothes in a jiffy
And soon hit the street at a run
And soon hit the street (etc)

And then would you believe in a fortnight
I got Ulf Beck's bill for the fare
He said he was charging me double
For feeling my acres of hair
For feeling (etc)

Copyright ©2002 Alex E Riggle. All Rights Reserved.