SONG CHALLENGE WINNER!

The Song Challenge:   The Mother Of All Excuses -- A pub landlord has developed the perfect defence for the post-work tippler who needs an excuse for being late home - a phone booth which adds authentic sound effects to any drinker's excuse for being late home.   Colin Benham, who runs the Travellers Joy in Rayleigh, Essex, first built a traditional-style red kiosk by hand.   He then added a selection of digitally recorded background noises, from a busy railway station to a bustling office and a noisy traffic jam.  Regulars now have the opportunity of ringing loved ones with a choice of excuses ranging from "the boss wants me to stay late at the office" to "you wouldn't believe the traffic I'm stuck in" . . . while Mr Benham pours the next round.  Mr Benham, who has no immediate plans to develop his invention, said yesterday: "It's the perfect answer to avoid those 'your dinner's in the dog' situations. I've got a CD with everything from traffic jam noise to the sound of a supermarket. It started off as an April Fool's joke but it has taken off like you wouldn't believe."  Drinkers simply request the bar staff to play a particular sound effect which is relayed through a speaker fixed inside the kiosk, and the rest is down to the caller's conscience. The landlady, Bernadette Williams, said there had been reports of the system being used for marginally more nefarious purposes, possibly involving bosses and secretaries.  She said: "There has been some talk of that kind of thing but overall we think it's a nice invention, and it's not just used by men. We built it ourselves because, being close to the railway station, we heard one or two people mention they had to leave because their dinner was ready when they really could have done with another pint.  "What happens is you get to unwind in the pub before you go home which puts you in a much better frame of mind, particularly if your partner thinks you've had an arduous time coming home. It makes for a much more harmonious evening."  The assistant manager, Tim Burchill, added: "Basically it gives you the perfect excuse to stay for that last pint, or five." Of course, too many drinks and the person on the other end of the line could be wondering what a train is doing in a supermarket . . .

O Give Me A Phone! by Bradypus
(Tune:   'Home on the Range')

O give me a phone
With a dialing tone
And selection of backgrounds to play
It will back my excuse
When I put it to use
And I'll stay in the boozer all day!

Chorus:
Phone, phone in the pub
With selection of backgrounds to play 
When these noises are heard
They will back up my words
And I'll stay in the boozer all day

When I'm phoning the wife
I don't fear for my life
There's the sound of the office on disc
When I say I work late
She can hear that's my fate -
I can stay in the pub without risk.

Chorus

Or when phoning the boss
I am not at a loss
To convince him I'm stuck in a jam
Tyres swish, sirens blare
From the sounds in the air
He will think that he knows where I am.

Chorus

What a wonderful booth
For disguising the truth
And giving me time in the bar
I just can't have enough
Of this vile old black stuff –
Have another, whoever you are. 

Chorus

Once I'd had quite a few
I played track number two
Told the boss I was still at my desk
Then the boss phoned the wife
And she gave me some strife
Now my life is a terrible mess

Chorus

Still the booth's quite a game
I've achieved my dear aim
And I'll never again know dismay
For without job or wife
For the rest of my life
I can stay in the boozer all day!

Chorus

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