SONG CHALLENGE WINNER!

The Song Challenge:  Beelzebub Bytes!   Forget about viruses and malicious hackers; the real threat these days is far more insidious.  Your home computer may have the Devil in its data, say Reverend Jim Peasboro of Georgia.  "... the Computer Age has ... opened yet another door through which Lucifer and his minions can enter and corrupt men's souls."  Rev. Jim says he became aware of the problem from counseling churchgoers.  "I learned that many members of my congregation became in touch with a dark force whenever they used their computers," ... "Decent, happily married family men were drawn irresistibly to pornographic Web sites and forced to witness unspeakable abominations."  "Housewives who had never expressed an impure thought were entering Internet chat rooms and found themselves spewing foul, debasing language they would never use normally," he declared.   "... One woman ... confessed to me, 'I feel when I'm on the computer as if someone else or something else just takes over.'"  The minister said he probed one such case, actually logging onto the parishioner's computer himself.  To his horror, an artificial-intelligence program started spontaneously.  "The program began talking directly to me, openly mocked me," he said.  Then the device went haywire and started printing out what looked like gobbledygook.  "I later had an expert in dead languages examine the text," the minister said.  "It turned out to be a stream of obscenities written in a 2,800-year-old Mesopotamian dialect!"  The minister estimates that one in ten computers in America now hosts some type of evil spirit.   The Reverend advises anyone suspecting that their computer is possessed to consult a clergyman, or, if the computer is still under warranty, to take it in for servicing.   "   Technicians can replace the hard drive and reinstall the software, getting rid of the wicked spirit permanently," he says.  However, there is some good news -- Only a PC built after 1985 has the storage capacity to house an evil spirit, the minister explained.


My Bold Engineer by derrymacash
(To the tune of Kelly, The Boy From Killane)

What's the news, what's the news, oh my bold engineer
Who's attempting to fix my PC
Is it crashed, is it trashed, is it mangled and mashed
And devoid of all functionality
Good news, good news, I have checked every fuse
Every wire, every lead there's no risk
Of your system at fault, it won't grind to a halt
The devil has invaded your disk

What to do, what to do, who should I now turn to
To resume computation forthwith
I am peeved, I'm aggrieved, I've been duped and deceived
By a foul spirit from the abyss
To the priest, to the priest, he has power to release
Your hard disk from the fiend's wicked grip
Straightaway, don't delay, you must ask the padre
To send Nick from your memory chips

Father Green, Father Green, something evil and obscene
From the sulphurous charnel-house of hell
Now resides, deep inside, my joy and my pride
My computer that's powered by Intel
Never fear, never fear, Father Green he is here
With his incense, his collar and prayers
Satan will flee from the rosiary
And again I shall kick him downstairs

Back to Top