SONG CHALLENGE WINNER!

The Song Challenge:   The Case of the Crazed Cookie Crusher -- (Yardley, Pennsylvania) For three years the managers in the three supermarkets kept finding shelves of crumbled cookies and smashed loaves of bread.  A cookie company finally installed a hidden camera turned on the cookie aisle at a Giant supermarket.  That led to the arrest and conviction of Samuel Feldman, 37, on charges of disorderly conduct and criminal mischief, and a fine of $1,000.  Both prosecutors and defense attorneys appeared in court with bags of sweet-smelling evidence. The prosecution with bruised buns and crushed cookies, and the defense with unmangled goodies used to demonstrate their client's squeezing technique.  Although Mr. Feldman claimed his innocence, saying 'I squeeze bread when I go to the store, but I don't get arrested for it," the judge said that the 18-hour videotape clearly showed Feldman "manipulating bread and cookies" and "acting suspiciously around the baked goods."  A local reporter commented that the videotape showed Mr. Feldman waiting until his wife's back was turned, and only then would he begin bashing the bread.  "He apparently loved to stick his thumbs in the middle of the fruit-filled cookies.  The impressions were so distinct, the police were able to use them to lift his fingerprints."   Judge Heckler has postponed the sentencing hearing to give Mr. Feldman, who now lives in Las Vegas, time to find "a mental health professional who is familiar with bread-related compulsive behavior."  Meanwhile, the bread and cookie distributors still want their dough, and are planning to sue Mr. Feldman in civil court to recover $8,000, the amount of baked goods they claim that he vandalized over the three year period.

Mr. Feldman, The Bun-squeezing Man by mousethief
(Tune:  "Titanic" -- at least the one I first learned!) 

Mrs. Feldman dressed her husband
And took him to the store
And they wandered down
The fresh-bread aisle once more 

But when her back was turned
Wringing bread is what he yearned
It was sad when he squeezed the loaves and buns 

Oh it was sad!
Oh it was sad!
It was sad when he squeezed the loaves and buns
(Man he crushed them good!)
The cookies and rolls,
Felt his viselike hammerhold
It was sad when he squeezed the loaves and buns 

So they put a camera out
In the Giant grocery store
And they said "we'll catch
Him squeezing bread once more" 

And they dusted all the crumbs
On the cookies he would thumb
It was sad when he squeezed the loaves and buns 

(repeat chorus) 

Now they've caught poor Mr. Feldman
And threw him in the can
And they sent out for
A good head-shrinker man 

His defense team says he's cracked
The bakers just want their money back
It was sad when he squeezed the loaves and buns 

(repeat chorus) 

(C) 2000 Alex E. Riggle. All Rights Reserved.

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