SONG CHALLENGE WINNER!

The Song Challenge:   Whoa, HOT PANTS! Good Lawd, That's Where It's At! -- Colorado Springs, Colorado, Jun 27, 2001 -- If you're thinking about going to the mall in that snappy aluminum-lined underwear in the back of your dresser drawer, think again.   Beginning Sunday, it will be illegal in Colorado to wear aluminum underwear.  OK, there's a caveat. You can wear aluminum briefs and lingerie as long as it's for personal amusement - but not if it is to help steal by foiling stores' anti-shoplifting devices.   The new law is no laughing matter ... really.  "This is serious business," said Sen. Stephanie Takis, one of the bill's sponsors.   "We have laws against using crowbars as theft devices, but if you were lining your underwear with aluminum foil, that was not a crime."  And by golly, said Takis, it should be.  She cited several Denver-area malls that have caught shoplifters with aluminum-lined shopping bags and even the so-called "iron pants" and could do nothing to stop it.   Steve Miller, an attorney who helped draft the bill:  "I don't know if it was the highlight of my career, but I got the assignment."  Miller said the bill went through several evolutions - "or devolutions depending on your viewpoint" - before it received Gov. Bill Owens' approval.  Essentially, it makes it a misdemeanor to make, wear or know others are wearing aluminum underwear if they intend to use it to fool stores' theft-protection devices.  Those devices electronically sense when merchandise leaving the store hasn't been handled by a cashier, and foil can interfere with that detection.   Miller said the new law also gives store employees civil and criminal immunity if they stop shoppers who crackle when they walk.


Metal Knicks and Clever Tricks by Faithful Departed (aka derrymacash)
(Tune: Jim Jones)

Oh come listen to me story, boys
And hear me tell me tale
How the long arm of the law, me boys
Caught Jim Jones by the tail
And it swung me like a flail, me boys
Ten times around its head
And it flung me into jail, me boys
From whence I'm not yet fled

So take a tip before you slip into them metal knicks
The word is out, they know about our clever little tricks
Our clever little tricks they say their cover has been blown
So out the door you'll slip no more and safely home Jim Jones

It seems an honest thief, me boys
Is doomed to pay the price
I thought I'd fooled the law, me boys
They took me by surprise
With their scanners and their magnetrons
It's just like Dr Who
And now it seems they've cottoned on
To the likes of me and you

So take a tip before you slip into them metal knicks
The word is out, they know about our clever little tricks
Our clever little tricks they say their cover has been blown
So out the door you'll slip no more and safely home Jim Jones

I'm hanging up me gear, me boys
To never resurrect.
Me poacher's pocket, balaclava,
Stocking I'll neglect
Me dead-of-night, me out-of-sight,
Me in-out-and-away
And me underpants, that creaked by chance
And gave my game away

So take a tip before you slip into them metal knicks
The word is out, they know about our clever little tricks
Our clever little tricks they say their cover has been blown
So out the door you'll slip no more and safely home Jim Jones

Back to Top