SONG CHALLENGE WINNER!

No Room On The Xerox For Virgin Berths -- Bosses at Sir Richard Branson's Virgin Mobile scuppered plans to have photocopiers at their Christmas party so staff could scan their bottoms.  The idea was to recreate a television advertisement for the firm featuring former All Saints star Melanie Blatt, in which she does the same.  But the stunt was dropped after the company's legal advisers stepped in and ruled it unsafe.  More than 1,000 Virgin Mobile employees attended the firm's Christmas party on Tuesday at a nightclub in the Wiltshire town of Trowbridge.  It featured performances from the pop group Liberty and DJ Boy George.  A spokeswoman for the firm said she had heard about the idea to install reinforced photocopiers in the club as a gag after the success of the advertisement.  She said she understood it had come from someone else in their communications department, but was rejected by legal experts.  "Somebody had been talking about it early on, but it wouldn't have been allowed for legal reasons," the spokeswoman said. "It's unfortunate because it would be a good laugh."  And it appears that the ban-the-bums barristers might have an ally in the form of Officials at the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents, who say workers risk cutting themselves on broken copier glass.  They say the Virgin mobile phone ad of Melanie Blatt photocopying her backside is "daft and irresponsible".  Spokesman Roger Vincent is warning office workers not to be tempted to make photocopied backsides "this year's festive trend".  He told The Sun: "Inhibitions are loosened after a few drinks and people show off. We don't want copying backsides to become this year's festive trend.  "Someone could find themselves in a hospital casualty ward this Christmas instead of at home with their families.  "Sitting on a photocopier is very dangerous. We don't want to be killjoys but advise people to stick to good old-fashioned mistletoe."


Memo by Genie
(Tune:  Humoresque)

MEMO

TO:  The employees of Virgin Mobile
FROM:  Myrth Cutter, Chief Legal Counsel for Virgin Mobile
cc:  The Royal Society For The Protection Of Accidents
DATE:  Dec. 15, 2001
RE:  Permissible Merriment at the Annual Christmas Party

"Mobile staff will please refrain
from placing objects on the pane
of glass upon our copying machine,
Such as large, unclad posteriors.
––Holidays are so much cheerier
If we don't incur a trauma scene.

"Tiny sprigs of good, old-fashioned
Mistletoe are corporate sanctioned,
Given that they not be overused.
(Uninvited osculation
Could give rise to litigation
On the grounds of sexual abuse.)

"We encourage moderation
When the staff take their libation
At the festive gathering this year,
Lest the circumstance arise
That some employee's heavy private
Parts are cut or burned beyond repair.

"Though the glass is reinforced,
A heavy corpus could, of course,
Suffice to cause a surface rupturing,
Resulting in a painful lesion
Leaving permanent adhesions.
––Now have fun, you kids, and lets all sing!"

Copyright 2001 Sonja W. Oates

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