If You Could Read Behinds, Doc by Genie


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'I See Your Future Growing Bigger And Bigger' (Hamburg, Germany) A German clairvoyant is reading his clients' futures by feeling their naked bottoms. Ulf Buck says buttocks have similar lines to those on the hand, which can be read. The 39-year-old, who's been blind since he was three, says the bottom is more 'intense' than the hand. He says a reading can give information about his clients' personalities as well as their future wealth, happiness and health. Mr Buck from Meldorf, northwest of Hamburg, says he's attracting all kinds of clients including a soap star and a stockbroker. He also says being blind helps to relax his customers as they know they'll remain anonymous and that he doesn't get a thrill from the buttock reading, adding he's happily married.

If You Could Read Behinds, Doc by Genie
(Tune: 'If You Could Read My Mind' by Gordon Lightfoot)

If you could read behinds, Doc, what a tale my tail would tell,
Just like an old fart moving, very gauche with a fishy smell.
In a passage dark, with its odor strong and your hands upon my seat,
You read its history.
Perhaps my fate will be revealed
As you survey my sweet posterity.

And if I show you mine, Doc, what a tale its warts could tell,
Just like a Rorschach ink blot in a bus stop toilet stall.
When you reach the part where the short hairs start, a gentleman, please be,
But a hero you need not.
You need not read my tush again,
Because my 'ending's' just too big to take.

I stand there bare like a porno star who gets groped in a three-way script.
Enter number two: your office nurse to view the scene--
She's videotaping all you 'see' in me--
Oh, for God's sake! Let's get real!
I never thought it was done this way,
and I've got to say
that I just might get it.
I don't know why you went bad,
But I'm feelin' had, and I want my money back.

If you could "read behinds," Doc, what a bill of goods you'd sell,
Just like an old-time movie 'bout a con with the ol' 3 shells.
In hospital gown with an open back and hands upon my seat,
I'm being told to bend.
And as you read my stretch-mark lines, you know, well, I'm
just tryin' to understand just where you got this knack.
I never thought it was done this way,
and I've got to say
that I just might get it.
I don't know were you went bad,
But I'm feelin' had, and I want my money back.