SONG CHALLENGE WINNER!

The Song Challenge:  The Man Who Wanted To Be King . . . Of The Jungle, That Is -- (August 2001) SAN DIEGO, CA. -- A San Diego computer programmer who has spent �100,000 on tattoos and plastic surgery to turn himself into a 'tiger' wants a fur graft.   ( Click here for his picture)  Dennis Smith is tattooed from head to toe with orange and black stripes and his teeth have been filed to needle point.  His fingernails have been crafted into sharp talons while his hands have tattooed markings like a tiger's paws.   He says he feels like a tiger.  The short back-and-sides he sported at the University of California has been replaced with a long orange mane.  He has also swapped his glasses for green contact lenses.  He has also had latex whiskers implanted and surgery to his lips so he has a permanent snarl.  He now wants a surgeon to graft tiger fur on to his skin, like a perma-wig.  Mr. Smith, who has changed his name by deed poll to Cat Man, said: "I have a collection of old tiger pelts from the days of hunting.  I want these grafted on to me.  It will cost another $100,000 but will be worth it.   When I have the coat of a tiger, I feel I will have reached my goal in life."  'Cat Man' admits "Of course people stare at me when I walk down the street, but that's the effect I desire.   For so long I have equated myself with the tiger that I decided to change myself into one."  "It's the real me.  So many men cross-dress without their partners knowing, or dress up and play cowboys or Civil War soldiers at weekends.   Me, I'm a tiger all the time and I love it.  I had my first tattoos done 20 years ago around my eyes and now my whole body is one pastiche of stripes and shading.  I am really proud of it all.".


If I Only Had A Pelt by Deda
(Tune - If I Only Had A Brain, from the Wizard of Oz)

Deda's Comments:  Yes, it's macabre, and the guy is certainly unbalanced (Has he noticed that his implanted whiskers don't DO what cat whiskers do?) -- but here's an offering on the sillyish side anyway.

Just to hunt on a savannah
Would be heaven-sent, like manna
On the African sun belt
I could dine out on an ibex
And use rhino horns as toothpicks
If I only had the pelt

Well, it's hard, believe me, Smitty,
When you're born to be a kitty
I mean a giant cat
But I lack the big cat instinct
And I live in the wrong precinct
And I don't have fur to pat

oh, I
Could make you cry
With roars so loud and strong
I could roar and stretch and stretch and roar and yawn
And then I'd roar
And stretch some more

My DNA's the wrong one
I could be such a strong one
A hunter on a trail
I could leap up onto branches
And eat livestock from the ranches
If I only had a tail

My problems are genetic
And psychic and kinetic
And lots of other types
But I know I'd be a winner
Even as a rank beginner
I could eat you raw for dinner
If I only had the stripes!

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