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The Song Challenge:   'They're Giving It Up At The Hotel California' . . . British tourists held a Spanish hotel manager hostage in protest at what they claimed were appalling conditions at their hotel.   Police were called eventually to rescue the man, who had been barricaded in his office for two hours.  The 19 British families involved in the protest say that they wanted an explanation for conditions at the Hotel Mallorca in the resort of El Arenal on Majorca, which they say included animal bones, clothes and condoms floating in a filthy pool; hotel food that was crawling with ants; and bedrooms that were infested with cockroaches.   Breakfast consisted of stale bread.   The families' all-inclusive holiday cost almost �1,000. Louis Aristos, of the travel agents Sun Private Travel Ltd, said that the hotel and tour operators had assured the company that the conditions were not as bad as was claimed.   "We have not received complaints from other people we have booked into the hotel."   A spokesman for the 210-bed hotel said that it had been ordered to carry out repairs last year to avoid the risk of being closed.   He said that the hotel was old but of a good standard and did not suffer from the problems raised by the tourists.   The pool was cleaned daily, he added, and ants were found in bedrooms because tourists took food into their rooms.   The man held hostage was a representative of the tour company, the spokesman said.   He has since been treated for depression and is now off work.


Hotel Mallorca by derrymacash
(To the tune of "Hotel California")

We went all-inclusive
Cos I felt kind of flash
We wanted exclusive
Not just some place to crash
The brochure boasted
Cut-glass chandeliers
24/7 luxury
Free food and free beers

The flight in from Gatwick
Was eight hours late
I was feeling quite fractious
My wife was irate
The bus from the airport
Got lost on the way
We arrived at reception
Just to hear them say

Welcome to the Hotel Mallorca
You'll get a big surprise
(But it won't be nice)
Plenty of room at the Hotel Mallorca
Leave at any price
Please take my advice

No bell-boy or porter
To carry our bags
And we were stationed on the nineteenth floor
The walk was a drag
When we entered the bedroom
The bed was unmade
The pillows were greasy
And the sheets semen-stained

To accompany dinner
I asked for some wine
Tasted as if it was opened
In 1969
And in my paella
I swear something moved
I complained to the waiter
Who muttered something rude

Welcome to the Hotel Mallorca
You'll get a big surprise
(But it won't be nice)
Plenty of room at the Hotel Mallorca
Leave at any price
Please take my advice

Cracks in the ceiling
Pubic hair in the ice
Skidmarks in the toilets
Kitchens crawling with mice
Condoms on the balcony
Tampons in the pool
Travel agent's laughing
Thinks that we're just fools

Dead rat in the walkway
Leading up to our room
Fist-fight in the bar last night
Just added to the gloom
The desk-clerk's a junkie
His boss is a thug
The only guests who are satisfied
Are the lice, the fleas and the bugs

Welcome to the Hotel Mallorca
You'll get a big surprise
(But it won't be nice)
Plenty of room at the Hotel Mallorca
Leave at any price
Please take my advice

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