SONG CHALLENGE WINNER!

The Song Challenge:   The Mother Of All Excuses -- A pub landlord has developed the perfect defence for the post-work tippler who needs an excuse for being late home - a phone booth which adds authentic sound effects to any drinker's excuse for being late home.   Colin Benham, who runs the Travellers Joy in Rayleigh, Essex, first built a traditional-style red kiosk by hand.   He then added a selection of digitally recorded background noises, from a busy railway station to a bustling office and a noisy traffic jam.  Regulars now have the opportunity of ringing loved ones with a choice of excuses ranging from "the boss wants me to stay late at the office" to "you wouldn't believe the traffic I'm stuck in" . . . while Mr Benham pours the next round.  Mr Benham, who has no immediate plans to develop his invention, said yesterday: "It's the perfect answer to avoid those 'your dinner's in the dog' situations. I've got a CD with everything from traffic jam noise to the sound of a supermarket. It started off as an April Fool's joke but it has taken off like you wouldn't believe."  Drinkers simply request the bar staff to play a particular sound effect which is relayed through a speaker fixed inside the kiosk, and the rest is down to the caller's conscience. The landlady, Bernadette Williams, said there had been reports of the system being used for marginally more nefarious purposes, possibly involving bosses and secretaries.  She said: "There has been some talk of that kind of thing but overall we think it's a nice invention, and it's not just used by men. We built it ourselves because, being close to the railway station, we heard one or two people mention they had to leave because their dinner was ready when they really could have done with another pint.  "What happens is you get to unwind in the pub before you go home which puts you in a much better frame of mind, particularly if your partner thinks you've had an arduous time coming home. It makes for a much more harmonious evening."  The assistant manager, Tim Burchill, added: "Basically it gives you the perfect excuse to stay for that last pint, or five." Of course, too many drinks and the person on the other end of the line could be wondering what a train is doing in a supermarket . . .

Hello Darling by Kara
(Tune not very clear in brain as yet; but anything along the Gilbert and Sullivan lines should do.  Or maybe the time to that song about the boy writing back to his parents from one of those summer camps.) 

Hello darling thought I had better let you know
I've been held up, you know how these things go
but I got a dreadful tooth ache
in my PM coffee break
while eating a small morsel
of your lovely toffee cake
but as luck would go the dentist
has managed to slip me in
between a set of dentures 
and a small molar filling
if my luck holds out I will be home within two hours
love you honey, no I want forget the flowers

Hello darling thought I 'd better let you know
I've been held up, well you know how these things go
the florist shop was shut
and at a lose as what to do
I wandered past the travel shop
and beheld a gorgeous view
the windmills of old Amsterdam
with tulips all beset
as you can hear from the back ground noise
I am on a jumbo jet
but if my luck holds out I will be back with in a day
Love you honey, what more can I say?

Hello darling thought I 'd better let you know
I've been held up, well you know how these things go
when I got off the plane
there was no sign of a bus
so I jumped on board a nice long barge
thought it would be less fuss
we sailed along a nice canal
but then took off out to sea
and each time I ask for tulips
they just give me more tea
but if my luck holds out I will be home with in a week
love you honey, no change left now, can't speak. 

Hello darling, thought I letter bet you know
I've been up held, well you wow how these thing go. 
it seems the barge was headed
right across the China sea
and we are in a bot of spother 
with our targo load of cea
but as soon as we clear customs
I'll be on the first plane home
and when I'm back beside
I never more will roam
I can not see it taking me much more than a month
Love you honey, there's no need to get the humph. 

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