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No Room On The Xerox For Virgin Berths -- Bosses at Sir Richard Branson's Virgin Mobile scuppered plans to have photocopiers at their Christmas party so staff could scan their bottoms.  The idea was to recreate a television advertisement for the firm featuring former All Saints star Melanie Blatt, in which she does the same.  But the stunt was dropped after the company's legal advisers stepped in and ruled it unsafe.  More than 1,000 Virgin Mobile employees attended the firm's Christmas party on Tuesday at a nightclub in the Wiltshire town of Trowbridge.  It featured performances from the pop group Liberty and DJ Boy George.  A spokeswoman for the firm said she had heard about the idea to install reinforced photocopiers in the club as a gag after the success of the advertisement.  She said she understood it had come from someone else in their communications department, but was rejected by legal experts.  "Somebody had been talking about it early on, but it wouldn't have been allowed for legal reasons," the spokeswoman said. "It's unfortunate because it would be a good laugh."  And it appears that the ban-the-bums barristers might have an ally in the form of Officials at the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents, who say workers risk cutting themselves on broken copier glass.  They say the Virgin mobile phone ad of Melanie Blatt photocopying her backside is "daft and irresponsible".  Spokesman Roger Vincent is warning office workers not to be tempted to make photocopied backsides "this year's festive trend".  He told The Sun: "Inhibitions are loosened after a few drinks and people show off. We don't want copying backsides to become this year's festive trend.  "Someone could find themselves in a hospital casualty ward this Christmas instead of at home with their families.  "Sitting on a photocopier is very dangerous. We don't want to be killjoys but advise people to stick to good old-fashioned mistletoe."


He Came Upon the Xerox Clear by Sonja
(Tune:  It Came Upon the Midnight Clear (Richard Stores. Willis, 1851)

He came upon the Xerox clear, that curious old CEO.
From angles pressing where he perched to touch his parts--Oh Ho!!!!.
"Piss on the mirth, good Mobile men!
Good Heavens, and gracious! This stinks!"
The lawyers in solemn stiffness say they'll bear no more such things!

Still thru the closet doors they come with private things unveiled;
And still these reveling jokers plop on said machine their tails.
Above its sagging and creaking glass they're bent on uncovering their cans,
And ever o'er the net they send their blasted bare-bottom scans.

For lo, Boss Branson is chast'ning us our profits to uphold,
And with our internet circling rears may come a ton of gold.
But the lawyers over all the mirth their dampened blankets fling,
And the whole staff give them the bird and listen to Liberty sing.

"The scanner 'neath its crushing load, those forms all bending it low,
May geld you if it should explode -- how painful that is, we know!
Look out, for greedy & golden hordes lurk slyly in the wings.
To arrest you," the lawyers do forebode, "and sue you for everything!"

Copyright 2001 Sonja W. Oates

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