SONG CHALLENGE WINNER!

'I See Your Future Growing Bigger And Bigger' (Hamburg, Germany) A German clairvoyant is reading his clients' futures by feeling their naked bottoms.  Ulf Buck says buttocks have similar lines to those on the hand, which can be read.  The 39-year-old, who's been blind since he was three, says the bottom is more 'intense' than the hand.  He says a reading can give information about his clients' personalities as well as their future wealth, happiness and health.  Mr Buck from Meldorf, northwest of Hamburg, says he's attracting all kinds of clients including a soap star and a stockbroker.  He also says being blind helps to relax his customers as they know they'll remain anonymous and that he doesn't get a thrill from the buttock reading, adding he's happily married.


The German Clairvoyant by derrymacash
(A parody of "The German Clockwinder" – an oul' Dubliners' number)

A German clairvoyant to Dublin once came
Herr Doktor Ulf Buck was the oul' German's name
And as he was windin' his way down The Strand
He grabbed my bumcheeks in his prescient hands

Singing toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lye-ay
Toora-lye-oora-lye-oora-lye-ay
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lye-ay
Toora-lye-oora-lye-oora-lye-ay

Your future, he says, it is hard for to tell
Unless your thick clothing you choose to dispel
For you can't read a book till you turn the first page
And unless you are stripped, then your life I can't gauge

Singing toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lye-ay
Toora-lye-oora-lye-oora-lye-ay
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lye-ay
Toora-lye-oora-lye-oora-lye-ay

Don't fear for your honour, for I cannot see
I lost my sight at the young age of three
No ulterior motive, no lechy intent
I am a most noble, dispassionate gent

Singing toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lye-ay
Toora-lye-oora-lye-oora-lye-ay
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lye-ay
Toora-lye-oora-lye-oora-lye-ay

So into my lodgings, face down on my bed
My fine nether garments before him I shed
He poked and he prodded, he fumbled and felt
And me lyin' there in my natural pelt

Singing toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lye-ay
Toora-lye-oora-lye-oora-lye-ay
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lye-ay
Toora-lye-oora-lye-oora-lye-ay

I see in your future a row with your man
A laddy as muscled as Desperate Dan
And heavens above, the oul' future's not bright
For Herr Doktor Buck who has no gift of sight

Singing toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lye-ay
Toora-lye-oora-lye-oora-lye-ay
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lye-ay
Toora-lye-oora-lye-oora-lye-ay

And with that the door opened, and filling the frame
Stood my darling husband, Hugh Divney by name
With an oath and a curse he lit on Doktor Buck
And through the room window the Doktor he chucked

Singing toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lye-ay
Toora-lye-oora-lye-oora-lye-ay
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lye-ay
Toora-lye-oora-lye-oora-lye-ay

Ah, wife Maryanne, ah, wife Maryanne
Why did you take in such an innocent man?
To fondle your arse and leave me on the shelf?
If your fortune needs telling, sure I'll tell it meself

Singing toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lye-ay
Toora-lye-oora-lye-oora-lye-ay
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lye-ay
Toora-lye-oora-lye-oora-lye-ay

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