SONG CHALLENGE WINNER!

The Song Challenge:   Whoa, HOT PANTS! Good Lawd, That's Where It's At! -- Colorado Springs, Colorado, Jun 27, 2001 -- If you're thinking about going to the mall in that snappy aluminum-lined underwear in the back of your dresser drawer, think again.   Beginning Sunday, it will be illegal in Colorado to wear aluminum underwear.  OK, there's a caveat. You can wear aluminum briefs and lingerie as long as it's for personal amusement - but not if it is to help steal by foiling stores' anti-shoplifting devices.   The new law is no laughing matter ... really.  "This is serious business," said Sen. Stephanie Takis, one of the bill's sponsors.   "We have laws against using crowbars as theft devices, but if you were lining your underwear with aluminum foil, that was not a crime."  And by golly, said Takis, it should be.  She cited several Denver-area malls that have caught shoplifters with aluminum-lined shopping bags and even the so-called "iron pants" and could do nothing to stop it.   Steve Miller, an attorney who helped draft the bill:  "I don't know if it was the highlight of my career, but I got the assignment."  Miller said the bill went through several evolutions - "or devolutions depending on your viewpoint" - before it received Gov. Bill Owens' approval.  Essentially, it makes it a misdemeanor to make, wear or know others are wearing aluminum underwear if they intend to use it to fool stores' theft-protection devices.  Those devices electronically sense when merchandise leaving the store hasn't been handled by a cashier, and foil can interfere with that detection.   Miller said the new law also gives store employees civil and criminal immunity if they stop shoppers who crackle when they walk.


Full Metal Bra by Bradypus
(Tune: The Black Velvet Band)

Bradypus' Comments: I've had the title and the tune for a week, but I haven't had a chance to do anything with them - until now.

In Colorado Springs, Colorado
A McDonald's boy there I was bound
And many's the happy hour
I have spent in that fine little town
But bad misfortune o'ertook me
And now I have had to go far
Far away from my friends and my family
Betrayed by a full metal bra

Oh, one evening late as I rambled
Not meaning to go far at all
When I met with a feisty shoplifter
She was plyin' her trade in the mall
Oh, her eyes, they shone on the diamonds
And her smile twinkled bright as a star
'Come, give me a hand while I lift these stones'
Then she flashed me her full metal bra.

'All I ask is you make a distraction'
Then her fingers were nimble and quick
The diamonds had vanished quite clean away
As a sleight of hand trick it was slick
So we sauntered towards the shop exit
My blood hot, like any Hussar
For only I knew where the diamonds were
They were inside her full metal bra.

As we left there was quite a commotion
Bells rang, then a cop, gun in hand
Came up to my girl, and said to her
'Did you know metal underwear's banned'
Then her eyes, they shone like diamonds
'Oh, don't take me back to your car
Just give me a minute – yes, there's the clip'
She took off her full metal bra

This certainly caused a distraction
And a chance for some more sleight of hand
For the diamonds she slipped in my pocket –
They were sure worth a couple of grand
But fortune's ways, they are fickle
When the cop said 'I'll just frisk your friend'
And that's how I landed in jail, my boys
As I wait for my sentence to end.

In twelve months my sentence is over
Again I'll roam happy and free
To Colorado Springs, Colorado
Where I hope that girl still waits for me
For a year, it isn't too long, my boys
And a thousand miles isn't too far
To see once again that old feisty girl
As she slips off her full metal bra!

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