SONG CHALLENGE WINNER!

The Song Challenge:   When Pigs Fly OR Never Say Never Again (Philadelphia PA) In a bizarre episode that rattled flight attendants and embarrassed airline officials, a 300-pound pig was put in the first-class cabin of a US Airways Boeing 757 and flown with 200 other passengers on a nonstop six-hour flight across the country from Philadelphia to Seattle. All went well, for most of the flight.  Somehow, the pig's owners, described as two women, one in her 30s, the other a senior citizen, convinced the airline that it was a "therapeutic companion pet," like a guide dog for the blind.  "I guess it was supposed to be a Seeing Eye pig," a witness aboard the flight said. "Frankly, I couldn't tell what kind of therapeutic service it was providing. All I know is, it was ugly, and it pooped."  A chagrined airline spokesman provided few details. "We can confirm that the pig traveled, and we can confirm that it will never happen again," US Airways spokesman David Castelveter said. "Let me stress that. It will never happen again."  An internal report said the owners said they had a doctor's note that required them to fly with the animal, and that they described pig as weighing only 13 pounds, so based on this info, authorization was given," the report said. Witnesses said the pig's owners exhibited no obvious impairments.  "I'd estimate 300 pounds," one source aboard the flight said. "It took four people to wheel it in, past security and to the gate. And they were struggling."  Though flight attendants objected, the pig was cleared for takeoff and seated on the floor, in the first row of first class. It was so big, much of its bulk extended into the aisle, according to the report.  "It didn't smell; it was a clean pig," a witness on the flight said. "It slept almost the whole time."  Few passengers complained. It wasn't till the aircraft taxied into Seattle that the pig wreaked havoc.  Squealing loudly, it ran loose through the aircraft and tried to enter the cockpit. It finally found refuge in the food galley, where it refused to budge.  Finally, the pig was lured from the galley with food.  Then, the owners -- struggling to control the pig -- dragged it out of the aircraft and into the Jetway.  That's where it left its mess.  "Another passenger on the flight advised pig owner that she picked up her pig's feces and she was not happy about that," the report stated.  "Once the pig was off aircraft, another passenger had to push while the two women pulled to get it in the elevator. "The whole time, the pig was squealing so loudly everyone in the terminal heard it."  Federal Aviation Administration officials in Seattle said they were unfamiliar with the incident, but said they would investigate.


First Class Passage by Bardford
(Sung to the tune of Northwest Passage)

Bardford's Comments:  This is a bountiful banquet of porcine poetry!  You people feed me!  For sharesies, here's my ham sandwich.  Parishioners of the church of Stan Rodgers, please believe that no malicious intent was, uh, intended.  You know, I was trying to come up with some kind of Oedipal/dirt/cleanliness/pig/father/ thing that ends with "It's a long way from Pa. to Wash.", but I was not up to the task.  Sanglochon blue, everybody knows one...


(Chorus)
Ah for just one time I would fly up there in comfort
Postpone for six short hours my future as a roast
Transcend this hopeless life amid the muck and mire and pig dirt
And take a First Class passage to the coast

Westbound from Philadelphia with attendants both in tow
Pig with ticket, front of line, three seats in the first row
Squeal for attendant, warm towel please, just put it on my snout
Single malt as well, I think, if any is about.

As I sleep upon the floor the aircraft lowly hums
Dream of transport trucks below crammed full with all my chums
To market, fated for breakfast plates, wallets, or gloves
I'm temporarily blissful, just six miles up above

Yet through the flight I battle guilt, conscience will not rest
Better to fly or to fry I ask, only partially in jest.
Then through coastal fog a light glows strong and shows a path for me
Seattle- my soul sings, you are my destiny

Now, I'm not so different from the pigs back in the sty
Except I left a certain death, to Seattle I did fly
A humble pig, a First Class passage airborne epiphany
A new life in Seattle, as a Starbucks franchisee

Copyright 2000 the author. 

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