SONG CHALLENGE WINNER!

No Room On The Xerox For Virgin Berths -- Bosses at Sir Richard Branson's Virgin Mobile scuppered plans to have photocopiers at their Christmas party so staff could scan their bottoms.  The idea was to recreate a television advertisement for the firm featuring former All Saints star Melanie Blatt, in which she does the same.  But the stunt was dropped after the company's legal advisers stepped in and ruled it unsafe.  More than 1,000 Virgin Mobile employees attended the firm's Christmas party on Tuesday at a nightclub in the Wiltshire town of Trowbridge.  It featured performances from the pop group Liberty and DJ Boy George.  A spokeswoman for the firm said she had heard about the idea to install reinforced photocopiers in the club as a gag after the success of the advertisement.  She said she understood it had come from someone else in their communications department, but was rejected by legal experts.  "Somebody had been talking about it early on, but it wouldn't have been allowed for legal reasons," the spokeswoman said. "It's unfortunate because it would be a good laugh."  And it appears that the ban-the-bums barristers might have an ally in the form of Officials at the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents, who say workers risk cutting themselves on broken copier glass.  They say the Virgin mobile phone ad of Melanie Blatt photocopying her backside is "daft and irresponsible".  Spokesman Roger Vincent is warning office workers not to be tempted to make photocopied backsides "this year's festive trend".  He told The Sun: "Inhibitions are loosened after a few drinks and people show off. We don't want copying backsides to become this year's festive trend.  "Someone could find themselves in a hospital casualty ward this Christmas instead of at home with their families.  "Sitting on a photocopier is very dangerous. We don't want to be killjoys but advise people to stick to good old-fashioned mistletoe."


Fifty Ways To Scan Your Booty (or Fifty Ways To Scan Uncovered) by Sonja
(Some words ripped off and others thoroughly distorted from Paul Simon, by Sonja W. Oates. Sorry, Paul)

"The bottom line is how you make your ad", said Melanie,
"The answer is easy if you take your cue from me.
I'd like to help you in your marketing, you see--
There must be fifty ways to scan uncovered.

    "Just slip off your shorts, Schwarts; make a new scan, McCann;
    Lower your drawers, Doris, set your soul free!
    Get up there and squat, Scott; there's no need to blush, Rush!
    Just strip to the knee, Lee (and try not to pee)!"

She said "It's us'lly not my habit to pose nude;
But done for dear old Virgin's sake, it's really not so crude.
So I repeat myself-- this is no place for prudes!
There must be fifty ways to scan your booty, fifty ways to scan your booty.

    "Just hop on the screen, Jean (Try not to pass gas, lass);
    Show us you're a boy, Roy, just follow my lead;
    Just copy your crack, Jack,--No, ye dinna look fat, Pat--
    Just straddle the glass, Cass (and fax one to me!)."

Said Melanie "It thrills me that you've little fear or shame--.
It's the least that we can do to up Sir Richard's market gain."
Said Richard, "It might work, but won't you demonstrate again
the fifty ways to scan uncovered?"

She said, "Why don't we--all of us--just sit on it tonight?"
I believe that with a few more rounds, we'll all be less up tight."
And then she showed us how, and I saw that she was right--
There must be fifty ways to scan uncovered, fifty ways to scan uncovered.

    "Just flash us your jewels, O'Toole; Xerox your box, Ms. Rox;
    Uncover your cheeks, Geeks (and try not to squirm).
    Hop on the pane, Jane; Give us a show, Joe;
    Give us a thrill, Will (It's all for the firm).

    "Just share what you got, Scott; how far can you spread, Ned?;
    Don't be a prude, Jude (nobody will see [wink, wink])
    Just show us your tricks, Dick; It's like riding a bike, Mike;
    Don't break the machine, Christine! (Leave some toner for me!)

(Repeat choruses ad nauseum.)

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