The Farmer's Daughter by derrymacash


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'I See Your Future Growing Bigger And Bigger' (Hamburg, Germany) A German clairvoyant is reading his clients' futures by feeling their naked bottoms. Ulf Buck says buttocks have similar lines to those on the hand, which can be read. The 39-year-old, who's been blind since he was three, says the bottom is more 'intense' than the hand. He says a reading can give information about his clients' personalities as well as their future wealth, happiness and health. Mr Buck from Meldorf, northwest of Hamburg, says he's attracting all kinds of clients including a soap star and a stockbroker. He also says being blind helps to relax his customers as they know they'll remain anonymous and that he doesn't get a thrill from the buttock reading, adding he's happily married.

The Farmer's Daughter by derrymacash
(A skit on "The Cobbler's Daughter" as sung by Kate Rusby)

I am a farmer's daughter and me arse is four-feet wide
Much fame attaches to my name on account of my backside
It's at the village pump
They gossip 'bout my rump
The most splendid rear that you have ever seen

I am a farmer's daughter, I'm broad around the hips
Some men aspire, and some admire, my praise is on their lips
But jealous of my size
Some women folk surmise
That I'd be more attractive if more lean

It's at the travelling circus, I met the German seer
The seer said the future's read from fondling the rear
He doesn't study palms
Instead he studies hams
From whose topography the future can be gleaned

Bend over dear he says to me and let me have a feel
For in the braille of your fair tail, the future is revealed
As his digits he applied
From shock he nearly died
From information overload, it seems

Here he found the future and there he found the past
The now and ever shall be in the contours of my ass
You are a unique case
A walking database
From now on my life's work your bum shall be

You're the oracle of Delphi, with pleasure then, he squealed
The more I mooned, he nearly swooned, as more knowledge I revealed
Each dimple and each crease
Each mole on my tailpiece
Some light upon the future shed a beam

Oh wed me said the seer and be my darling wife
And I shall live in ecstasy as long as I have life
Beside you in the bed
No man better-read
Nimble-fingered on your arse I'll be

The farmer's daughter's husband knows all there is to know
The answer to all questions is in my down-below
My buttocks are a wonder
Which nightly he does plunder
No couple live more happily than we