Doughboy Sam by emily b


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The Song Challenge: The Case of the Crazed Cookie Crusher -- (Yardley, Pennsylvania) For three years the managers in the three supermarkets kept finding shelves of crumbled cookies and smashed loaves of bread. A cookie company finally installed a hidden camera turned on the cookie aisle at a Giant supermarket. That led to the arrest and conviction of Samuel Feldman, 37, on charges of disorderly conduct and criminal mischief, and a fine of $1,000. Both prosecutors and defense attorneys appeared in court with bags of sweet-smelling evidence. The prosecution with bruised buns and crushed cookies, and the defense with unmangled goodies used to demonstrate their client's squeezing technique. Although Mr. Feldman claimed his innocence, saying 'I squeeze bread when I go to the store, but I don't get arrested for it," the judge said that the 18-hour videotape clearly showed Feldman "manipulating bread and cookies" and "acting suspiciously around the baked goods." A local reporter commented that the videotape showed Mr. Feldman waiting until his wife's back was turned, and only then would he begin bashing the bread. "He apparently loved to stick his thumbs in the middle of the fruit-filled cookies. The impressions were so distinct, the police were able to use them to lift his fingerprints." Judge Heckler has postponed the sentencing hearing to give Mr. Feldman, who now lives in Las Vegas, time to find "a mental health professional who is familiar with bread-related compulsive behavior." Meanwhile, the bread and cookie distributors still want their dough, and are planning to sue Mr. Feldman in civil court to recover $8,000, the amount of baked goods they claim that he vandalized over the three year period.

Doughboy Sam by emily b

Who could be treating those cookies so poor?
The bread loaves are mangled and look mighty sore.
There's a mystery there on aisle fifteen,
The whole Giant is stumped and in an uproar.

A camera is mounted - a prankster to find.
Who would have thought there are those of this kind.
They fondle the buns and the fruit-filled delights.
Clearly this doughboy in not right in the mind.

A trial is held to convict doughboy Sam.
He did unspeakable things to sweets filled with jam.
His m-o never altered, his lust did him rule,
He'd have never been caught if he'd just tried a ham.