SONG CHALLENGE WINNER!

The Song Challenge:   Whoa, HOT PANTS! Good Lawd, That's Where It's At! -- Colorado Springs, Colorado, Jun 27, 2001 -- If you're thinking about going to the mall in that snappy aluminum-lined underwear in the back of your dresser drawer, think again.   Beginning Sunday, it will be illegal in Colorado to wear aluminum underwear.  OK, there's a caveat. You can wear aluminum briefs and lingerie as long as it's for personal amusement - but not if it is to help steal by foiling stores' anti-shoplifting devices.   The new law is no laughing matter ... really.  "This is serious business," said Sen. Stephanie Takis, one of the bill's sponsors.   "We have laws against using crowbars as theft devices, but if you were lining your underwear with aluminum foil, that was not a crime."  And by golly, said Takis, it should be.  She cited several Denver-area malls that have caught shoplifters with aluminum-lined shopping bags and even the so-called "iron pants" and could do nothing to stop it.   Steve Miller, an attorney who helped draft the bill:  "I don't know if it was the highlight of my career, but I got the assignment."  Miller said the bill went through several evolutions - "or devolutions depending on your viewpoint" - before it received Gov. Bill Owens' approval.  Essentially, it makes it a misdemeanor to make, wear or know others are wearing aluminum underwear if they intend to use it to fool stores' theft-protection devices.  Those devices electronically sense when merchandise leaving the store hasn't been handled by a cashier, and foil can interfere with that detection.   Miller said the new law also gives store employees civil and criminal immunity if they stop shoppers who crackle when they walk.


Don't Wear Your Drawers to Town by Amos
(Tune: Don't Take Your Guns to Town, by J. R. Cash -- Click to Play)

A young JD named Sammy Grant
Grew restless in the 'burbs
A boy who wanted many things
Including "special" herbs
He changed his clothes and spiked his hair
And let his shirt hang down
But his mother called from the sewing room:

"Don't wear your drawers to town, son
Leave your drawers at home, Sam
Don't wear your drawers to town."

He sang as he drove into town,
He was feelin' might pleased
For underneath his Levis he
Wore Reynolds' BVDs
He stopped along the Interstate,
His longjohns sagging down
But his mother's words echoed again:

"Don't wear your drawers to town, son
Leave your drawers at home, Sam
Don't wear your drawers to town."

He strolled into a shopping mall
to lift some great CDs
And find some brand new running shoes,
young Brenda Snope to please
He saw the cashier smile at him,
her eyes were deep and brown,
And he heard again his mother's words;

"Don't wear your drawers to town, son
Leave your drawers at home, Sam
Don't wear your drawers to town."

Now Sammy he was strangely stirred,
the lass was young and firm.
His blood began to heat within,
and his loins began to squirm
His swelling boyhood tore through the foil,
with a loud and crinkling sound
And he heard again his mothers words:

"Don't wear your drawers to town, son
Leave your drawers at home, Sam
Don't wear your drawers to town."

The comely cashier pushed a bell
as toward her he did stray;
She heard the rustle in his jeans
of tinfoil giving way!
And though he flashed his bestest smile,
she gave him a cold frown;
But still he wished he'd heeded Mom:

"Don't wear your drawers to town, son
Leave your drawers at home, Sam
Don't wear your drawers to town."

His dreams of lust came tumbling,
and he turned with wild alarm,
As store detective Devereaux up
and took him by the arm!
His dreams and his ambitions 'foiled',
his tool and head hung down,
He realized what his mother meant:

"Don't wear your drawers to town, son
Leave your drawers at home, Sam
Don't wear your drawers to town."

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