Crinkle Briefs by mousethief


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The Song Challenge: Whoa, HOT PANTS! Good Lawd, That's Where It's At! -- Colorado Springs, Colorado, Jun 27, 2001 -- If you're thinking about going to the mall in that snappy aluminum-lined underwear in the back of your dresser drawer, think again. Beginning Sunday, it will be illegal in Colorado to wear aluminum underwear. OK, there's a caveat. You can wear aluminum briefs and lingerie as long as it's for personal amusement - but not if it is to help steal by foiling stores' anti-shoplifting devices. The new law is no laughing matter ... really. "This is serious business," said Sen. Stephanie Takis, one of the bill's sponsors. "We have laws against using crowbars as theft devices, but if you were lining your underwear with aluminum foil, that was not a crime." And by golly, said Takis, it should be. She cited several Denver-area malls that have caught shoplifters with aluminum-lined shopping bags and even the so-called "iron pants" and could do nothing to stop it. Steve Miller, an attorney who helped draft the bill: "I don't know if it was the highlight of my career, but I got the assignment." Miller said the bill went through several evolutions - "or devolutions depending on your viewpoint" - before it received Gov. Bill Owens' approval. Essentially, it makes it a misdemeanor to make, wear or know others are wearing aluminum underwear if they intend to use it to fool stores' theft-protection devices. Those devices electronically sense when merchandise leaving the store hasn't been handled by a cashier, and foil can interfere with that detection. Miller said the new law also gives store employees civil and criminal immunity if they stop shoppers who crackle when they walk.

Crinkle Briefs by mousethief
(Tune: Jungle Love)

I met you in Northcenter Mall Square
You said you'd arrested me before
But I didn't have any mall fare
I'd stolen from any mall store

You told me that that didn't matter
And then you burst out in a grin
"I'm going to arrest you," you stuttered,
"For your underwear made out of tin!"

Crinkle briefs, they're driving me mad, they're making me crazy
Crinkle briefs, they're driving me mad, they're making me crazy

You treat me like it was illegal
To wear these aluminum briefs
And then you tell me that we'll go
To the station; "Don't give me no grief"

I see a headline in the paper:
The governor signed a new law
No metal shorts allowed to drape her
No foil is allowed in her bra!

(repeat chorus)

Copyright © 2001 Alex Riggle. All Rights Reserved.